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Critical Analysis #1

Structural Instability

Forrest Cain
Member

since 2000-04-21

Posts 306
Chas.,W.V. USA

0 posted 2000-04-29 08:11 PM

              Structural Instability

          the insane asylums...edifice
              of concrete fabric
         eclipses deviancies...below the
         contour of contemporary orgasm
                  reconciling
          victims of social disasters
                      and
              mental castrations
                       to
           realities frigid obscurity...

forrest
1978

[This message has been edited by Forrest Cain (edited 04-30-2000).]

Elyse
Member

since 2000-04-16

Posts 414
Apex (think raleigh) NC

1 posted 2000-04-30 02:32 AM

erm, Forrest, darlin, i think you misspelled a whole lotta stuff in here. do you mean "defiances" instead of "deviances"?
reconciling is spelled like this <---
and im almost certain you meant "organism" instead of "orgasim"??
luv Elyse

[This message has been edited by Elyse (edited 04-30-2000).]

Forrest Cain
Member

since 2000-04-21

Posts 306
Chas.,W.V. USA

2 posted 2000-04-30 06:36 AM

Thanks Elyse only reconcile needs corrected
(thanks) the rest is right. I`m thinking
this poem may be a little dated and and
to obscure itself. It was one of my
very first efforts and I just through it
on here for fun. In essence a psych floor
(Incenter Hospitalization at least)
creates an enviroment of openess and
honesty unfortunatly different than the real
world. Always glad to see your input.

thanks forrest

Robin
Junior Member

since 1999-08-07

Posts 48
Cardiff, Wales, UK

3 posted 2000-04-30 07:31 AM

Wooo!
Powerful stuff. I really like this Forrest.
There are a couple of typos, I think, even after Elyse's comments.
Orgasm has no 'i'
(or should that be I have no orgasm?)

The opening line ... should it be -

the insane asylum's...edifice
or
the insane asylums...edifices

Either works I think.

And finally

reality's frigid obscurity...

perhaps?

All a bit picky, but the piece is so strong I think typos distract.

Cheers

Robin

eldridgejackson
Member

since 2000-04-30

Posts 91

4 posted 2000-04-30 07:41 AM

Forrest I enjoyed your poem but it needs more monkeys and clowns.

The vision of death and heartbreak runs through your poems reflecting great heartache and pain.

Take a tylenol!!

Turn it around and it will be wonderful.

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