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Passage through Pornography
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Passage through Pornography |
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citizenx Member
since 2001-07-31
Posts 189motorcade |
The sun shimmers off the car rooftops all neatly packed in the Saharan lot, Tripping through its lanes of vehicles all burning. Daylight so focused it is soluble. Everywhere the summer shoppers bustle in hives of activity, One corner however remains dormant light is impenetrable beyond its bead curtains. The firm filled leather trousers of the female shop owner sleeks in the darkness, whispering illicit bliss. Skin magazines all peak in their shelves. Stepping to the beat of a silent climax, I touch myself, fingers migrating from a sweat covered brow. It is so hot in here. Beneath the strip light, my parched tongue cries for an Aphrodite elixir from her voluptuous lips. It is so hot, under a strip light illuminated society. I scan the pages of tabloid soft core promises, read daily by all the family, and I dream I am crawling through the seedy underbelly of young debauched Jordan. I touch myself, rubbing my face from its half stung daze, to gaze upon her eyes in passing. The sweetest pleasures never last, as long as we desire. shadows flicker sweet end tame |
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| © Copyright 2001 citizenx - All Rights Reserved | |||
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helen smith Member
since 2001-03-12
Posts 240 |
I wouldn't,couldn't change a word of it .Aaaaaaaaww |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
I think the only real changs I would suggest are a few new line breaks.. my eyes and mind did not coincide with where they wanted to stop while reading..and a couple of thoughts seemed to run together... just my opinion of course... and we all read poetry differently. Interesting idea for this poem...and the title provocative... |
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citizenx Member
since 2001-07-31
Posts 189motorcade |
Helen, thanks. Cpat, I formatted the poem into sections, different parts of the scene. For me at least the line breaks make sense this way, but if you wish to put forward your ideas they would be greatly appreciated because my eyes can only see the poem formatted in this fashion, however I am aware that content can always be improved. Thanks for your comments. shadows flicker sweet end tame |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
The sun shimmers off the car rooftops all neatly packed in the Saharan lot, Tripping through its lanes of vehicles all burning. Daylight so focused it is soluble. Everywhere the summer shoppers bustle in hives of activity, One corner however remains dormant, light is impenetrable beyond its bead curtains this is the sort of thing I see when reading your poem... and if it is supposed to be the light that is dormant not the corner I would probably change the wording just a bit to clarify... hope it makes sense..as I said, we all read poetry in a different way. |
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citizenx Member
since 2001-07-31
Posts 189motorcade |
Cpat, it was both... the light and corner dormant.... sometimes I do that, double up an image to mean two different things or apply to separate lines. I guess it is a shorthand, cut and paste technique. Thank you for coming back to this. TO anyone else if you want to tear this poem apart, and find ways to make it better... please do. Be brutal but also constructive. Thank you in advance. shadows flicker sweet end tame |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Rip you to shreds, eh? That would mean using personal attacks, which go against forum policy.  I'd be happy to do so to your poem, however.  'The sun shimmers off the car rooftops all neatly packed in the Saharan lot,' I like the way you start this off, it's a good solid image. 'Tripping through its lanes of vehicles all burning.' What is tripping- you or the sunlight? Lack of a subject in these lines makes it seem like an extension of the previous image... in any case, since you didn't finish a sentence before, I found the capitalization jarring. 'Daylight so focused it is soluble.' I had a bit of trouble with this image at first... I don't think it's a problem with the line, which I actually think is good, and pretty original, but I kept imagining a little cube (like chicken flavoring) of daylight... 'Everywhere the summer shoppers bustle in hives of activity,' This image kind of clashes with the introduction... you painted the picture of a day so hot people just can't move, they drag themselves as little as possible... and now people are bustling? There's no transition, and in this case, I don't think there could be one. Make the shoppers more languid, I think... I would also adjust the line breaks for a better flow... I definitely think compounds like 'summer shoppers' should stay together in one line. 'One corner however remains dormant light is impenetrable beyond its bead curtains. ' I don't like how this idea begins on the end of the last... it deserves its own line to start with. I do like the double meaning of dormant corner/ dormant light, I would keep that line break, and maybe add another between impenetrable and beyond to add consistency to the line lengths. 'The firm filled leather trousers of the female shop owner sleeks in the darkness, whispering illicit bliss.' You've got a number disagreement here- trousers/sleeks. It would be sleek. lso... trousers sounds too conservative... maybe use a more provocative clothing word, even if you have to make your own up, or give a totally different word a new meaning. One more thing, I think darkness is too strong an image here... I had the impression of a dim store, but not dark. 'Skin magazines all peak in their shelves. Stepping to the beat of a silent climax,' This is great... very clever. 'I touch myself, fingers migrating from a sweat covered brow. It is so hot in here. Beneath the strip light, my parched tongue cries' These lines are all okay, I can't find anything wrong with them, but they all seem a little too ordinary. Not cliched, just a bit ordinary. 'for an Aphrodite elixir from her voluptuous lips.' I didn't care for these lines... but then again, I don't care for mythological references very much. I also think voluptuous lips is sort of boring and overused. 'It is so hot, under a strip light illuminated society.' You already said that. I would do away with these two lines entirely. 'I scan the pages of tabloid soft core promises, read daily by all the family,' This is okay. 'and I dream I am crawling through the seedy underbelly' Overused. 'of young debauched Jordan.' The Middle eastern nation, or like, Micheal Jordan? Maybe an adjective could suffice to explain. 'I touch myself, rubbing my face from its half stung daze, to gaze upon her eyes in passing.' This is nice, I like it- like a good, smooth landing- there's impact, but it's not jarring. 'The sweetest pleasures never last, as long as we desire. ' This is overkill- get rid of it. If your reader doesn't come to this conclusion on his own without you spelling it out for him, (I got that without this line, by the way) then your poem didn't do a good enough job with the point all along. Yours does a fine job illuminating this point, and actually stating it within the poems context ruins the effect, and also ruins the fun of interpretation. BTW- excellent title. I eat only sleep and air -Nicole Blackman [This message has been edited by hush (edited 08-17-2001).] |
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citizenx Member
since 2001-07-31
Posts 189motorcade |
Hush, aw yes my crit notice... I have no problems with anyone ripping into me, it could be a learning experience for both parties, I am joking here. "Tripping" I hate using drug terms when I don't do drugs but I have never used the word in that context before and it was so hot that everything had an ethereal feel. OK capitalisation goes. I was not sure how to say how intense the light was, all I could come with was bleached… cliché Soluble nice word, never used it before… and chicken flavoured cubes LOL it would tie in with the trippy scene The day itself upon which the poem was based, I was suffering from heat exhaustion but every one seems ok, Trust me to wear dark colours during a heat wave. I guess I either create a comparison between me and the shoppers or give them all heat stroke, but I liked the contrast between the bustle of the main streets and this adult shop, side door open, so dimly lit the shop owner wearing black leather while it was very hot outside. IT was kind of surreal. I will have to take a closer look at that section, agreed. " I don't like how this idea begins on the end of the last... it deserves its own line to start with. I do like the double meaning of dormant corner/ dormant light, I would keep that line break, and maybe add another between impenetrable and beyond to add consistency to the line lengths." Completely agree. " You've got a number disagreement here- trousers/sleeks. It would be sleek. lso... trousers sounds too conservative... maybe use a more provocative clothing word, even if you have to make your own up, or give a totally different word" Trousers is a bad word there. Sleek…. I used it because it reminded me of a cat, the way she moved you know the way cats move in a very gracefully way, they know they are great, almost "sexy." (I like cats but not that much, you know what I mean. I guess I use a body part "leather legs" something provocative. "I touch myself, fingers migrating from a sweat covered brow. It is so hot in here. Beneath the strip light, my parched tongue cries" Maybe if I spice them a bit, but I wanted to keep this subtle, it is as much about a hot day as it is hot emotions, it is kind of supposed to be conversational tone, but I guess I can improve them. "'for an Aphrodite elixir from her voluptuous lips." I like the way " Aphrodite elixir" sounds, Maybe a mythological reference sounds cheap or cheesy, but given the porn references and references to sex I think we can forgive cheap and cheesy, because porn may not be cheap but it is cheesy. "'It is so hot, under a strip light illuminated society" "It is so hot in here. Beneath the strip light, " I was going for the neon strip light image and also a comment on the place of porn in society "illuminated society" in a sarcastic tone. Too preachy I guess. "'I scan the pages of tabloid soft core promises, read daily by all the family,'" but they don't serve the poem, I guess they should go or be put better…. I was trying to make a comparison between porn and tabloid newspapers, they both trade on scandal, shock, using words like "slut." Tabloid headline "MR X caught in threesome romp" porn magazine "Watch Cindy, Starla and Nikki in hot threesome." The thing I love about tabloid newspapers is that they spend the first 20 pages exposing sleaze and sordid affairs then just before the sports page they have special offer porn videos for their readers. Serious double standard "and I dream I am crawling through the seedy underbelly" I know it is overused but not in reference to a person, Michael Jordan does not do it for me. Jordan is a British page three model, received the Pamela Anderson treatment… blonde big breasts. The sad thing is that for the past four weeks the newspaper (tabloid) we get in the house (I don't read the papers, just flick through and laugh at the headlines) has featured Jordan, either topless or almost topless with story lines about how her ex boyfriend turned her into a freak who became addicted to kinky sex and having larger breasts. They also interviewed someone who had a lesbian romp with her. GOD and this is a reputable Sunday newspaper. SO that is why I used Jordan, she is like an icon for teenage wet dreams and plastic cheap sexual promises. It was meant with deep sarcasm. "The sweetest pleasures never last, as long as we desire." I have been preaching tell don't show. Last line gets the axe. Well thanks very much Hush for this in-depth and very helpful crit. Titles are important, the selling point of a poem. The word "porn" always attracts attention. shadows flicker sweet end tame |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Well X, you have some pretty good suggestions already but I have read this one a few times and I have just a couple more. Hope they can be useful. Athe the end of the first stanza, dormant light seems wrong. Did you mean ambient light? It kind of jumbles the flow but the meaning seems more right to me. Also, is impenetrable doesn't fit grammatically with the subject. Cannot penetrate works better, I think. In the second stanza, I think you might use slinks instead of sleeks. To me, that is what a cat does and you don't have to invent a new word either. And I don't understand "Skin magazines all peak in their shelves." Should it be skin magazines all peek from their shelves? Thanks for explaining Jordan. That part now makes sense. Just an opinion. Pete |
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citizenx Member
since 2001-07-31
Posts 189motorcade |
Pete, dormant light just seemed like an interesting image to me, unusual…. What I meant was word to tie in both the description of the corner and the light. What is dormant light? Darkness, ambient… aw for me no using that word is not an option, it would not fit the atmosphere I was trying to create. "Cannot penetrate" again "impenetrable" is more unusual, maybe it does not fit too well but reading it aloud it has rhythm to my ears at least, "cannot penetrate" sounds less rhythmical to me at least. "Slink" I like it and I know that part needs work, though I need a word to sum up the movement of cats and leather trousers. Could leather trousers slink? I need to go back afresh on that. The second stanza I was using a drug reference (sort of a Hunter S Thompson desert acid trip, even though I have never chemically peaked) or sexual term. Personifying the magazines. So " Skin magazines all peak in their shelves." Means that the magazines are peaking, reaching a climax. I know that I might sound somewhat dismissive of your comments, honestly I am not I feel quite certain about two of the images you pointed out, to me that is the only way I can in vision them. The leather trousers lines however, I agree needs work. Thank you for taking the time to critique my poem. I do greatly appreciate this shadows flicker sweet end tame |
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Local Rebel Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-21
Posts 5767Southern Abstentia |
Ok... here's the slice: The sun shimmers off rooftops cars neatly packed in the Saharan lot Tripping through lanes of vehicles burning the Daylight so focused it is soluble Everywhere summer shoppers bustle in hives of activity One corner is dormant impervious to light beyond bead curtains The firm filled leather trousers of the female shop owner sleeks in darkness, whispering illicit bliss, skin magazines all peak in their shelves Stepping to the beat of silent climax I touch myself fingers migrating from a sweat covered brow it is so hot in here Beneath the strip light my parched tongue cries for an Aphrodite elixir from voluptuous lips It is so hot beneath the strip light illuminating society scanning the pages of tabloid soft core promises, read daily by all the family and I dream I am crawling through the epigastrium of young debauched Jordan I touch rubbing my face from its half stung daze, to gaze upon her eyes in passing The sweetest pleasures never last as long as we desire pardon me -- I left off the applause at the end... good subject citezenx.. good work -- take a slice off my slice.. lol [This message has been edited by Local Rebel (edited 08-20-2001).] |
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