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Constructive criticism pls re: The Family Castle
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Constructive criticism pls re: The Family Castle |
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Soul Survivor New Member
since 2001-08-15
Posts 7Canada |
The Family Castle Our castle stands atop the hills And offers strength of spirit Place your hand little one unto mine And I shall lead you to it. The family castle is now your home The stones grow ever stronger For the castle's built on love and hope Alone you are no longer. Behind these walls that rise up high Lies a garden lush and green It's offerings bountiful as the sea And beauty yet unseen. Drink from the waters that beckon you near They'll fill your heart with hope Feast on the knowledge offered here For that will help you cope. Our fires will fill your soul with warmth To cast off the chill outside Yet stay not here within these walls They were not built to hide. Swing wide the gates so you can see The world lie at your feet For without what lies beyond The castle's incomplete. Mount our stallion strong and true For he shall be your guide His legs have carried those of us Who've ventured far outside. Fear not what you do not yet know Lead on and find your star Fill your pack with experience That you will gain afar. The good times will outnumber bad Though sometimes you shall fall It's at that time that you should seek The strength of the castle wall. For no matter the path you choose to take No matter the strength of tides Just stop and look inside your heart For that's where the castle resides. Note: My mother seems to think that this is much too "formatted" and corny. I have only submitted this one poem here due to her lack of enthusiasm on my poetry. But I am wanting to write more and post, but I suppose I need a little reassurance that this is not too corny. I would appreciate any comments, either positive or things that I can do to change it. Thank you. Nancy |
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| © Copyright 2001 Nancy Rakovszky - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Decaflame Senior Member
since 2001-05-11
Posts 1635 |
Good morning Nancy. Welcome to Passions! I recall when my mother read one of my poems [and I shook when I allowed her to do so] and she thought I needed to see a counselor.... That aside, I shall not critique your poem at this time other than to say I think it sat well with me as you portend to be a novice. I know one thing I've learned since being here at Passions, it is good to read A Lot...not only of the poets here, but dig your library card out, my dear, and enjoy all that has come before you. From reading, you will find avenues of writing that suit your frame of mind and soul, and will draw from them in order to find how best to express yourself. As an aside, what do YOU think of your poem? Have you read it aloud to yourself? Have you had a friend read it aloud to you? What did you hear when that was done? How would you change it, now that someone else read it to you? Start with those ideas, and you may come to see why your Mom read it the way she did. I hope she will come to encourage you in your efforts, as I believe I see a poet in the making... [This message has been edited by Decaflame (edited 08-15-2001).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Nancy, I also want to welcome you to the family, Critical Analysis (CA) in particular. Check your email for a message. As for your poem, it is a good start and shows a lot of writer's promise. But this is critical analysis and the poem could use some more work. I think what your mother meant was what we tend to call "Hallmarkish" instead or corny. In other words, too much of it is what one might expect to find on a greeting card. It's just a little too "sweet", if you understand what I mean. Much of what you say has been said before, and in much the same way. That is what's called a cliche, a bad thing in poetry. As far as being "too formatted", I am a lover of structured poetry so I don't agree with that appraisal. Decaflame offers great advice, read lots of poetry, both here and printed. Also, keep writing and working on your own. I think you will find everyone here eager to help out all we can. I do have a couple of other small pieces of advice too. First, be careful of "forced rhyme." That is where you put in a line that really doesn't fit or at least doesn't contribute positively to the poem, just to make the rhyme come out right. This is a trap very easy to fall into. I don't see any really blatant examples in your poem but some of your rhymes are possibly a little out of place. Also, rhyming poetry usually works best when combined with a consistent, or nearly so, meter or rhythm. Again, yours is not too far off for the most part but it could be improved. I'm not suggesting that every line should adhere to any precise pattern. That could get very boring and sing-songy in a piece of this length. But some schme should be devised and most lines should be close to that. A little variation is not only acceptable but often desirable. Well, of course, this is all just one opinion. And I am certainly no expert, just another interested beginner. Let's see what other advice you might get and then I would be very interested in seeing you revision, if you choose to do one. Thanks, Pete |
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Soul Survivor New Member
since 2001-08-15
Posts 7Canada |
Thank you Decaflame for your encouragement. I have been snooping around a couple of forums and am amazed at the talent which fills these pages, yourself included. Methinks I have a lot to learn and will enjoy exploring the world of words, thoughts and emotions with some of the best. To future exchanges, Nancy We know what we are, but not what we may be. |
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citizenx Member
since 2001-07-31
Posts 189motorcade |
Nancy, I guess I be fairly brutal in my critiques, or at least very detailing in my approach. I second what decaflame said. I like your poem, the ideas you are exploring and there are alot of them. I will like to see you focus on one or two of them in the poem. Your poem is upbeat something I have trouble with, positive poetry. When I try to pen my happy thoughts I end up with cliches. I guess what I am trying to say is I would like to see more exploration of emotions, you are setting up various scenes but not letting us see them unfold. I would suggest picking one scene and explore it, say the garden verse... paint the garden for us, your feelings how you feel about the other person, your feeling of contentment and so one. I look forward to reading more from you. shadows flicker sweet end tame |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Well, everyone's offered really good advice so far- I just have one thing to add, which kind of ties in to the forced rhyme thing. This is only my personal opinion... but... I don't care for it when a line in a poem is phrased awkwardly for the sake of rhyme. I think poetry should be based on natural speech patterns, and 'Alone you are no longer' isn't a phrase I hear day-to-day... not that your poems should use average sayings.... but it seems to me that the line was only phrased that way to suit the rhyme. If you are interested in writing rhyming poetry with short lines like this, I would really recommend reading Emily Dickinson. Hope this helped a little... I eat only sleep and air -Nicole Blackman |
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Local Rebel Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-21
Posts 5767Southern Abstentia |
sometimes I go back and read my early poetry and wonder how I was ever that good -- sometimes I wonder how I was ever that bad. Read a lot -- write a lot... and remember -- bad poetry is poetry that takes itself too seriously -- regardless the format |
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