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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Clear Bandaids |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
He promises, She believes He breks the, she forgives He smiles, and she is lost in the curve of His lips and a feeling she can't name. She meets Her friends for coffee smiles radiantly and gushes how He knows All Her soft and tender places. He meets his boys for beers proudly relates the same but wears a much colder expression. He would never dream of slapping her not skin to skin anyway. He leaves deeper bruises breaks inner bones not shown on X-rays under more convincing camoflauge than CoverGirl and dark glasses. But He sees His work quite well. it fits her like a costly gown He likes it when she wears that dress Proud to be its designer. She searches the racks in vain not knowing what She wants a crisp new suit - appealing but expensive or boots to match Her blue Versace the boots are on sale. She smooths the jacket over Her curves fidgeting in the mirror The emerald of it ignites Her eyes which echo its shade flawlessly She nervously spins the pricetag, Sighs, she brings home the boots. she tells Him of her dilema He kisses her forehead and agrees Green is not her color. **I feel like something's not quite right here. but I dont know what it is. It makes sense to me, but im not sure if I'm impling too vaguely. what do y'all think? if poems were currency, we poets would still be poor. for any fool can string up lines that rhyme, but it takes a poet to trap meaning between them. |
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| © Copyright 2000 Elyse Wilcock - All Rights Reserved | |||
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revolution Junior Member
since 2000-04-17
Posts 20atlanta, GA, USA |
hmm... i think the point at which you're driving comes across, but the poem seems leggy and doesn't come to a conclusion. i think a few of the inner stanzas could be pruned for conciseness' sake... and decide where you're going with it to move it towards an ending (be it one that resolves or intentionally doesn't resolve.) |
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Miss Kitty New Member
since 2000-04-19
Posts 1 |
WOW!I found the first 5 stanzas of your poem to be so POWERFUL! I follow the intent of what you're expressing in the last three stanzas, but it doesn't mesh well with the rest of the poem. I think this is because you switch from concentrating her/him/emotional abuse to focusing more on the imagery of the dress at the end... Keep working on this...it's GREAT  PS..the second line...I'm not sure what it is : "he breks the" |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Elyse, I'm a little puzzled here. Of course, free verse is far from my forte so I often don't have much to say about it. I enjoyed reading this one. It flows nicely, as they say. It also has good content. I like you choice of words and images. It seems I liked the poem. My favorite stanza: "He would never dream of slapping her not skin to skin anyway. He leaves deeper bruises breaks inner bones not shown on X-rays under more convincing camoflauge than CoverGirl and dark glasses." I can't really say why other than "not skin to skin" and the message it leaves. No, I think there are several good phrases in that one. I think I have to agree with Revolution that it maybe rambles a bit and doesn't seem to come to a conclusion. Maybe that was your intent though. Finally, should the second line be "He breaks them, she forgives"? Thanks for the read. Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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tom Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 90s/w penna u.s.a. |
Elyse I like the message,and the idea on this one. But I have to agree with Not A Poet and revolution on the length. I think what she was shoping for is not as important as why she is there.Just my opinion. tom i spend half my life chasing her around,the other half waiting for her |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
thanx you guys! that would make it alot tighter. hmmm, shouldnt be too hard to smush those 2 stanzas together. the wheels are turnin already  if i dont quit making stoopid typos! grrrr. from now on i shall typr v e r y s l o w l y. |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
LOOK!!! look what i did!!! aahhhhhhhhhh! |
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