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hoppy
Member
since 2000-01-27
Posts 271


0 posted 2000-04-18 04:00 PM



Sea of Irony

my heart's hanging open can't you see
i'm bleeding on the floor
losing my mind in a sea of irony
the forgotten came back last night
came back and i opened the door
thought i'd have one last look
thought it was her at my door

i was wrong last night
opening my door i seen
nothing but shadows
chanting of her vanity

the darnkess grabed me
wrenching me to the ground
death had come to take me
killing myself is what i found

so i unlocked myself
let it be free
i lost my mind back there
in a sea of irony

---Written by:Hoppy


2-12-00  


 "Any fool can make a rule, and any fool will mind it."
Henry David Thoreau

Don't look... you might see.
Don't listen... you might hear.
Don't think... you might learn.
Don't walk... you might stumble.
Don't run... you might fall.
Don't make a decision... you might be wrong.
Don't live...you might die.

© Copyright 2000 Hoppy - All Rights Reserved
Yu Lan
Senior Member
since 2000-04-13
Posts 1462
New Zealand
1 posted 2000-04-19 12:56 PM


Ok.. this is a nice poem..
Woaw, punctuation, man.. ^^ I really think this poem would make a LOT more sense, if u added a few capital letters and full stops in there somewhere ^_^

umm.. this is not a very.. flowing poem..
perhaps if you adjusted the length of a few of the lines.. it would 'run' better..

opening my door i seen <-- is this meant to be 'seen' for a reason? or just.. bad grammar.. hehe.. perhaps "saw" would be more fitting here.. ^_^
nothing but shadows      (note.. plural..)
chanting of her vanity    (umm.. how does this connect to the previous line?? and.. this is talking about one thing.. not.. plural.. so.. doesn't quite fit.. ^_^)

the darnkess grabed me   (graBBed.. darKNess.. typos   )
wrenching me to the ground  (perhaps not wrenching.. umm.. try using a thesaurus..)
death had come to take me
killing myself is what i found   (FOUND?? u found death? Umm.. to say this, you probably need to mention.. a way out or something.. or something you were looking for.. if death had come to take you, didn't death find YOU, not you, find death?? ^_^)

One last thing, probably the only ironic thing about this poem, is that it really isn't about irony at all! ^_^

Well, I do like your last stanza though.. very nice.. well, a good beginning.. has potential, hoppy. ^_^

Don't mind me, none of this was meant to offend, just constructive criticism.. ^_^

Lynne
  



[This message has been edited by Yu Lan (edited 04-19-2000).]

Karina
New Member
since 2000-04-19
Posts 4

2 posted 2000-04-19 01:35 AM


I found this to be very sad. I really hope it isn't true, but it sure seems like the writer is too depressed about losing someone.
It has a lot of pain shown in the words.
                                         Karina

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