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Gonzalo Junior Member
since 2000-04-08
Posts 44MI |
My soul mate, you're so funny How you tease me Play hide-and-seek with me Silly Games. You're so clever How you temporarily disguise yourself as women I date Then jump out and run away Your breath on the back of my neck, then nothing. It's so cute, how you've hidden yourself so well that I can't tell anymore if that's you over there, or just a beautiful stranger pushing a child on a swing You hide in actresses In singers In women in clean cars at stoplights And that one time... in my best friend... really, that was too much It's all just adorable But you can stop any time now Come on out, we'll have a good laugh Okay, I'm ready All-y, all-y, in-come-free Please. This isn't fun anymore |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Jimtoo (We already have a Jim here, and I like to give nicknames), This was interesting...a fresh take on the search for a soul-mate. I'm going to do a little thing named in honor of two of our moderators...the slice and dice aka copy and paste. It's painless...been done to many of my works, just recently as a matter of fact. It's a method of breaking down the poem, saying what we think is good, and, perhaps what we think could be made better. This is just my opinion, of course, and surely does not mean I'm right. It is a wonderful way to learn. "My soul mate, you're so funny How you tease me Play hide-and-seek with me Silly Games. You're so clever" *If you honed these four lines, cut out a few words, I think they might be more effective. Perhaps something like... "You're such a tease, My dear soulmate, Playing hide-and-seek with me, With silly games, you're so clever," I think you can keep the same concept, but put it into a bit more adult terms. (Adults play games, too.)* "How you temporarily disguise yourself as women I date Then jump out and run away Your breath on the back of my neck, then nothing." *Here...good concepts. I love the last line. My only criticism is with your punctuation. If you use it, then you should use it consistently. Commas after date and away.* "It's so cute, how you've hidden yourself so well that I can't tell anymore if that's you over there, or just a beautiful stranger pushing a child on a swing" *Sorry, but I don't like the word "cute". We all have our little pet-peeves, and that's one of mine, but, hey, it doesn't mean you can't use it if you think it sounds good. I think these lines also need some tweaking. They evoke a nice image, but could work even better, maybe like this: "You've hidden yourself so well, That I can't tell if it's you, Or just a beautiful stranger Pushing a child on a swing." We have a saying around here that sometimes less is more.* "You hide in actresses In singers In women in clean cars at stoplights And that one time... in my best friend... really, that was too much" * I liked this section a lot (lol to clean cars) Tiny crit...punctuation again.* "It's all just adorable But you can stop any time now Come on out, we'll have a good laugh Okay, I'm ready All-y, all-y, in-come-free Please. This isn't fun anymore" *Jim, do you really feel that you'd say this frustration was "adorable"? I don't think I would. The line could be, "I know you want to play," The next few lines demonstrate the speaker's frustrations very well. I'm not sure I understand the fifth line of this section...is it meant as the game, or as something else? You wrapped it up nicely...good, solid ending.* See, that didn't hurt. This piece has a lot of potential. I suggest playing with it, rewriting some parts, and examining the feelings behind the motivation to write this. Often, if they are included, the work becomes more powerful. Great job, Jimtoo Kris < !signature--> the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 04-12-2000).] |
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Gonzalo Junior Member
since 2000-04-08
Posts 44MI |
Thanks for the input, Kris. I'm amazed at the time and thought you and others are willing to dedicate to us 'newbies' in this forum. I agree with most of your comments and will consider them while reworking this poem. A few explainations: I intended to use "cute" and "adorable" sarcastically, but I realize that may not have come through. I also intended the reader to initially think the writer is enjoying the "silly games" and for the frustration to slip out as the poem progresses. He's unaware of his passive/agressive tendencies. Up until the end, I was hoping the reader would see the author with clenched teeth, still trying to pretend he is enjoying 'the game.'The author thinks he's pulling it off tactfully - doesn't realize his frustration is so obvious. I didn't want the author to be overtly aware of his frustration until the very end (even though the reader was to 'catch on' earlier). I also would have liked to have kept the fact that the author hasn't found his soul mate a 'secret' longer, but all my attempts to do this drug the beginning of the poem out too far. The plan was to start out like a very sappy, sweet love poem that slowly crumbled into a desperate plea. The "all-y, all-y, in-come-free" reference comes from my childhood - may have been exclusive to my neck of the woods. I'll have to ask around on that one. Here, the author's frustration has just about overtaken him- he's become childish, sarcastic and a bit petty. I don't explain these things to defend this version of the poem. I'm just letting you know what I was trying to do, hoping some one might help me get there. Any more input would be greatly appreciated. Thanks, Jimtoo P.S. for Kris - yeah on the sinking of "Wonderland"! |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Strong voice and it reads very well with a nice build up. Actually, I really like what you're doing on this and other works -- very different from the usual stuff we get here (although I'm at pains right now to describe a usual poem right now  ) I thought the 'Alley, Alley' part was a bit strained, seems like you were trying too hard with that and besides I always spelled it "Olley, Olley, oxen free" -- don't ask my why.Brad |
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Ted Reynolds Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331 |
I thought this was a neat idea, done with flair. I caught the sarcasm of "cute" and "adorable" without trouble, and was delighted with "all-y, all-y, in-come-free." I do agree with most of the comments of warmhrt on pruning and punctuation though. But vivid and (even with clenched teeth) fun. |
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Wordshaman Member
since 2000-01-17
Posts 110Illinois, USA |
Did everyone catch the almost pathetic tone of this poem? The guy who wants to feel like he's on the inside of the joke when he's actually the butt of it? Great poem, Gonzalo. Nice work, sir. Adieu et au revoir, Wordshaman There is no Devil. Just God when He drinks. --Tom Waits |
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