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Empty Cradles
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Empty Cradles |
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Diana B Member
since 2000-03-10
Posts 97 |
memory of a fear consumes me holds me prisoner failures weeping daughter love must not be won too painful candles on my table no longer burning brightly fog rolls in count the midnights past becomes the future unfulfilled i see myself alone and older the embers of my heart no hearth brighten what joy lived a lifetime stolen. now i am the keeper of my soul and live in silence the mystery of my world never truly shared i give you transparent images the soft body of a woman, dark intelligence, silhouette of a human scarred and broken come and brood yourself in my mirror in your blindness i permit you to see yourself as you wish build up your chosen countenance no longer will i take the blame the intensity is shared a punctuation of both our reflected images this time the fear was left in stillness as dreams of both were dared but the past again became the future night birds still sing the wind rocking empty cradles [This message has been edited by Diana B (edited 04-09-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Diana B - All Rights Reserved | |||
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tom Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 90s/w penna u.s.a. |
Diana B A very passionate piece indeed.I hope this is not a personal experience.Only a few minor word changes I think would make this a little easier to read. failures(only)daughter silhouette of(a)human(broken and scarred) other than I think this is a good soul searching and I hope cleansing piece. The last two stanzas vivid and well writen. tom < !signature--> i spend half my life chasing her around,the other half waiting for her [This message has been edited by tom (edited 04-09-2000).] |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Diana, At first, I thought this was a poem that should be left alone. There are such things as 'ecstatic' poems that are best left alone (and I've had to learn this the hard way). Still, your use of 'fear', 'dare', 'dreams' seems to imply a different interpretation. It is this vagueness that I think needs to be worked on -- you need to be more specific in your language. As in many of your poems posted here, you often use familiar images to express what you feel (there's a Yeats poem with very similar imagery by the way -- or is that me being pedantic again?  ). I suggest that you try to move away from these and try to express the situation, the image of what actually happened as clearly as possible. What caused you to feel this way? What motivated you to write this poem? Then, go ahead and make a list of parallel images that invoke those feelings -- expand each one as best you can and see what happens. I don't guarantee anything will result but you never know.What are night birds? Many people around here see nothing wrong with abstract poems but I prefer more concrete images that invoke feeling rather than attempts to explain feelings without a foundation. See what I'm trying to get at here. Anyway, I did like the 'brooding' stanza but I like playing with masks, lies, and images in the creation of what can best be called tentative identity issues. I don't thing there's anything that can be truly pinned down as one's real self (except the conventions we use in society -- names, numbers, bodies and so forth). Brad |
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Diana B Member
since 2000-03-10
Posts 97 |
Thanks Tom and Brad for some very helpful critiquing. Tom your suggestion for word changes was most helpful and i have made ones i am comfortable with. Brad i do see your point. The work is somewhat abstract but not quite as abstract as the survivors piece. I think that because i take such intensely personal experiences as my themes now they speak from a different level. Perhaps, if you will, the soul rather than the heart or the intellect. This piece was about a relationship that failed because of it's intensity. It also reflected a history of painful pasts for both with a hope for better outcome this time. Blame was cast which i refuted defensively... the brooding and the transparent images references. And you picked up the night birds thing...amazing...it's a play on words...first we do have birds where i live that sing at night. A very haunting presence i assure you, singing in the night breezes. The other as you have guessed is the british expression bird which i was casting on myself to show that i spent my nights(like the night bird) in a haunted loneliness still affected by this loss and the greater fear that indeed all my past would repeat and forever become my future. This was quite painful to explore as i'm sure you can now understand and the images i chose were the most comfortable and expressive for me. I also i felt doing this in a more conventional style of "who done who wrong song" would not touch on the colour, depth and complexity of the emotions we went through. I will take that suggestion of more concrete images and issues of clarity to heart. Thank you so much for your input. I do see your point as i hope you see mine. Your comments on invoking feelings as opposed to expressing them and tentative identity issues... i would really like to explore these with you but perhaps another time would be better. And which Yeats were you referring to so i may look it up please. The pedantic thing, well later on that too i guess. [This message has been edited by Diana B (edited 04-10-2000).] |
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