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Critical Analysis #1
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Malcolm Coleman
Junior Member
since 2000-04-02
Posts 24
United Kingdom

0 posted 2000-04-06 06:19 PM


What?
You thought we would last!
Really?
Its lost in the past!
Excuse me?
You think I'm to blame!
I'm sorry,
But I think that's a shame...

Yes, I was the one who said it should end
But somehow I don't think you quite understand,
The magic between us was just an illusion
Exposed over time like some ugly protrusion
Of rock from a landscape that shone in the sun,
Unblemished, and perfect, a haven for some.
The rock cast a shadow which covered that land,
And all that was beautiful fled, and was gone.



[This message has been edited by Malcolm Coleman (edited 04-09-2000).]

© Copyright 2000 Malcolm Coleman - All Rights Reserved
just_another_fe
Member
since 2000-02-05
Posts 483
MICHIGAN
1 posted 2000-04-06 06:58 PM


not a critiqe just wanted to say i like this good job
warmhrt
Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563

2 posted 2000-04-07 12:06 PM


Malcolm,

Did my sonnet inspire you, or is this just giving a male view of the end of a relationship?

I liked this very much...excellente'. You described very well how some relationships start out wonderful, and interest wanes with time until there's nothing left. The intro (the first eight lines) was sharp and catchy, drew me in. The second stanza showed good metaphoric language, and everything had a good, smooth flow, an even meter. The only thing I might change is the word "rocky" to stony, since you have "rock" in the next line. Very nice job, Malcolm.

Kris< !signature-->

 the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing
A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare




[This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 04-07-2000).]

Irish Rose
Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263

3 posted 2000-04-08 02:37 PM


In reading this, and it hit very close to home, for I know what it is like to feel the magic gone. Only then does it continue to cast a spell in our words, our poetry. Only through pain can someone write something so emotional, as if you have lost a battle, but you continue on and write. I like the impact of knowing the reality and the words contain that reality.
good writing..honest and real
magic also....and that's the acid test
to poetry....realism and magic to live forever!

 Kathleen


Malcolm Coleman
Junior Member
since 2000-04-02
Posts 24
United Kingdom
4 posted 2000-04-09 05:34 PM


Thank you all for your kind words, I really appreciate them.

Kris, it wasn't your sonnet that caused me to post this poem, I actually wrote it the same day that I saw your sonnet, but I didn't see your sonnet until afterwards.

I agree that I shouldn't have rocky and rock so close, so I'm actually gonna change rocky to ugly.  I think that actually works better.

I had considered calling this "loving landscapes" but then I decided not to because I could write about love and use landscapes as an unusual metaphor, and use the title there.  I just need to find time to work on it!

thanx again

Malcolm



 ** It seems I've waited years for this day to end. - Ronan Harris

Thanks for reading, hope you're still awake.

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