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A Kindergarten Song and a Brother’s Love
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A Kindergarten Song and a Brother’s Love |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart 
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[This has been reposted from OF on the advice of JP. My thanks to one of the "masters" who thinks this is worthy of some critical input.] [Another suggestion, from Julie, is that you need to "hum" the words in quotes, if you know the song. She is right, and the italics I had placed around the quoted lines didn't come over. So, after all of that, see what you think of this, and let me know. Thanks!] A Kindergarten Song and a Brother’s Love "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine" all the little voices sing "You make me happy, when skies are gray" their tiny voices ring "You'll never know dear, how much I love you" and Michael listened close one day "Please don't take my sunshine away" and learned through them a way to pray. "The other night, dear, As I lay sleeping" Michael’s sister was born quite ill "I dreamt I held you in my arms" she lay quiet, alone and still "When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken" as she heard these words of love spoken "And hung my head and cried" her stirring became a sign she’d awoken. "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine" Her brother kept singing "You make me happy, when skies are gray" His sister to make well "You'll never know dear, how much I love you" He battled the furious fight "Please don't take my sunshine away" and brought her back overnight. "I'll always love you and make you happy" So there is a Being who loves "If you will only love me too" Looking over from above "But if you leave me to love another" and I’ll never leave the Lord or this song "You'll regret it all some day" for with my sunshine I still belong. ©KRJ 15 Aug 99 ------------------ Sunshine Words will always express our feelings true. ~~~ KRJ Look, then, into thine heart, and write ~~~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow [This message has been edited by Sunshine (edited 05-15-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 Karilea Rilling Jungel - All Rights Reserved | |||
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JP Senior Member
since 1999-05-25
Posts 1343Loomis, CA |
Fabulous! I cannot add neither suggestion nor detraction to this work. I asked Sunshine to post here so that some of the more learned poets would be able to help improve this wonderful piece of work. Rarely have I read a work that I had not a clue as to how it may improve. This is a talented and lovely young lady folks, give her the benefit of your honest input. ------------------ Yesterday is ash, tomorrow is smoke; only today does the fire burn. JP |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
JP, looks like you're the only critic out there for this one! |
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Julie Senior Member
since 1999-08-20
Posts 739Houston, TX |
Sunshine, as you know I'm no critic but I'll give it a shot. I love this song... it was my parents song for each other. The sublines were a bit confusing...maybe an introduction from the song to the verse. Overall I enjoyed it. I hope you can get better help than this. ------------------ Julie ------------------------- ..."to thine own self be true." >William Shakespeare |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Julie, you are right, a bit of introduction needed to be made. I guess this is one of those poems that comes across a lot better read aloud, than just read! Thank you so much for your input! |
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rachana.s Member
since 1999-09-16
Posts 55madras,tamil nadu,India |
great sunshine just great. for a moment I was not sure how to read it. But when I seperated the song I got it right and I liked it. the song (one of my favourites from school) added to the feeling. rachi |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
I never posted a reply to rachana, but thought I would lift this up to see what the new folks in the forum thought. If you have come in, thanks for reading...and critiquing. Sunshine Look, then, into thine heart, and write ~~~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow |
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haze Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528Bethlehem, PA USA |
Sunshine... this is a very well written work. The message is clear, the voice true. I can think of no way to improve it except for setting the poem apart (by indenting the lines) making it an easier read...Thus follows: "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine" all the little voices sing "You make me happy, when skies are gray" their tiny voices ring "You'll never know dear, how much I love you" and Michael listened close one day "Please don't take my sunshine away" and learned through them a way to pray. "The other night, dear, As I lay sleeping" Michael’s sister was born quite ill "I dreamt I held you in my arms" she lay quiet, alone and still "When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken" as she heard these words of love spoken "And hung my head and cried" her stirring became a sign she’d awoken. "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine" Her brother kept singing "You make me happy, when skies are gray" His sister to make well "You'll never know dear, how much I love you" He battled the furious fight "Please don't take my sunshine away" and brought her back overnight. "I'll always love you and make you happy" So there is a Being who loves "If you will only love me too" Looking over from above "But if you leave me to love another" and I’ll never leave the Lord or this song "You'll regret it all some day" for with my sunshine I still belong. This is truly beautiful. A lovely tribute to a brother's love. Til Again, ~haze |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Yes, haze, thank you - I had originally set them off in another form, but in the old "format" of the Forums, it didn't come across. I sincerely appreciate your coming in and sharing your thoughts on this piece. Sunshine Look, then, into thine heart, and write ~~~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Nice job, so nice, in fact, that I didn't realize I was singing You Are My Sunshine aloud to myself until I was done. Then I kind of had to see if any one had heard me and thought I'd lost it. Anyway, I like the poem, and (even without haze's suggested format changes, which I liked) I got a strong sense of the song and the voice as separate speakers. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Well, thank you Kirk, for your kind response. However, I didn't see any critique attached. You may give it a second try [LOL!] Thanks! Sunshine Look, then, into thine heart, and write ~~~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
A Second Try: I like capitals and periods to offset the lines as separate. In one sense, leaving every other line lower case could provide a separation. However, at first, I expected the lowercase to be a continuation of the line before it. In the last stanza, is "the Lord" the speaker's "sunshine", and if so you might consider capitalizing Sunshine to make that clear. Also, the line "He battled the furious fight" didn't seem just right, you might consider something besides "furious" or another ryhme, for instance, "sang with all his mite", "Sang to make things right", "plight", "light", "height", et cetera. I hope that my second response was more helpful. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Kirk, these are good suggestions, thank you. I am seriously considering publishing this one...if I get any takers...after some editing...what do you think? Sunshine Look, then, into thine heart, and write ~~~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Sunshine: I enjoyed this. I found it very moving. My only suggestion is for you to modify the format to make this read a little easier. Haze has a good suggestion, I think. But once I wrestled through the format I found a wonderful poem. Thanks for the read and thanks for resurrecting this. Jim |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Jim, I had originally had the "song" part in italics when I first composed this piece. The look of it, with italics, makes it quite apparent which part needs to be "sung" and which part is to be "read". Unfortunately, time and computer glitches [from way back when before we were so 'advanced' with Ron's updates] skewed the final product here in the Forums. But I am taking all of the above advice and reworking it. I thank everyone for their delightful and helpful commentaries. [This message has been edited by Sunshine (edited 01-19-2000).] |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
bringing this back up for a friend to critique... |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
hi sunshine-- mind if i put my two cents in? i really liked this piece, the song adds alot to the poem, and the poem alot to the song, making the whole better than the sum of its parts. very well done! italics for the song is definitely the way to go, lol. a few little things, though? a few of your lines sound just ever so slightly awkward to me: "her stirring became a sign she’d awoken" seems rushed and stumbles a bit, while "His sister to make well" i think would sound more natural as "to make his sister well." i also agree with kirk that "He battled the furious fight" doesn't quite sit well. finally, one of things that i thought was really great in the piece was how, in the first three stanzas, your lines and the song seemed in sync, especially in the second and third stanzas, when the song turns a little "darker" before returning to the lovely chorus, mirroring the illness and healing of your lines. the thing is, i don't think this mutual resonance holds up quite so well in the final stanza, with the song ending with a warning ("if you leave me to love another, you'll regret it all some day"), while your lines end in a more happy spirit ("I’ll never leave the Lord or this song, for with my sunshine I still belong"). i don't know what you can do about it (if you wanted to do something about it, that is)except come up with a new ending for the song; i don't think you'd want the entire piece to end on a warning like the song does now. well, there ya go, lol. thanks for a very enjoyable read, and a wonderful take on what is still one of my favorite songs. (did you know the guy who wrote the song way back when went on to become governor of louisiana? how's that for bizarre, lol.)  jenni [This message has been edited by jenni (edited 05-15-2000).] |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Jenni, thank you for your input, that's what CA is for...I will have to take your thoughts, mull them over, and see what I can do about it. Thanks again! |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
Sunshine (Karilea), Firstly, let me know how I should address you, two names sort of makes this difficult, doesn't it? Now for the rest- This one is quite fabulous. One of the best I have read for a long time. I read it first, read it a second time, third time read it aloud, and this is what I came up with... I am not a great critique, but I dissected your poem into two, the song and the brother's little epic. I probably overdid this one. I will keep this open for your interpretation as to why I changed a few things. Mostly to help the lines sound better, remove stress from certain words and add stress to other words. What sayeth thou?? But one thing for sure, I really enjoyed this one.... more??? Let me again remind you that I added only what I thought could have been my way of writing the epic the little voices sing their tiny voices ring Michael listened close one day learned through them a way to pray. Michael’s sister was born quite ill she lay quiet, feeling alone and being still she heard these words of love spoken A little stirring meant she had awoken. Her brother kept singing praying for his sister to get well He battled the furious fight and lo! He brought her back overnight. Tis true, there is a Being who does love, looking over our shoulders from way above He vowed 'Neither will I leave the Lord nor this song for with my sunshine I will forever belong'. ........... Many warm regards, Sudhir Life is like a painting, That in an art gallery is left hanging, Though many come just to look at it, A very few actually come to enjoy it. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Sudhir, I like it when someone takes something I've done and outdoes me! I like your changes very much. Thank you! And, you can use either...name... |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
 sniff sniff sorry, excuse my hormones  i really dug this one. i did something so similar with that song Fever - do you know it? i had my song in italics too, although, it was interspersed in the lines. my mom used to sing this song for my brother and me. you could publish this in so many different forums. i would definitely look into it luv Elyse Do I contradict myself? Very well then . . . . I contradict myself; I am large . . . . I contain multitudes. -Papa Walt |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
ahh! i didnt mean for those green smilies to be there. that looks retarded. just ignore me and my computer illiteracy |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
sunshine-- another two cents, ok? no disrespect to sudhir, but i think most of your original lines work better with the rythym of the song. (even standing alone, seperated from the song, i think your lines are better.) taking the "and" out of the last line in the first stanza is good; almost every other change he suggests, though, adds words and syllables to your original lines, making them longer and slightly cumbersome, and disrupting the flow, in my opinion. (and the word "lo!" is a nonsense, archaic formulation that really has no business being in there.) anyway, just thought i'd throw that out there for ya, sorry if i'm confusing things. ok, i'll shut up now. jenni |
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