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Ode to Mimi
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Ode to Mimi |
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captaincargo Member
since 1999-11-25
Posts 109Corning, N.Y. U.S.A. |
My heart I can not still it Your heart I cannot fill it If when your life is full If where my thoughts of you are few When we were one and whole Soft and warm and full Like wind we wafted high Together saw the eagles fly What fields, or waves, or mountains glimpsed What roads, what paths, have we trod since We look at love before and after I smell, I feel, I taste the laughter My pain is through, both lost and found My feet since planted firm on the ground You pined, you grieved, like infants sleep Soft, and light, and counting sheep And now you come at me and sigh You question, you wonder, and ask me why I tell you it's not up to me You talked, you walked, and now you're free Cap. ... Can you keep the bee from ranging, Or the ringdove's neck from changing? No! nor fettered love from dying In the knot there's no untying. "Song" Thomas Campbell < !signature--> Cap. Carg. [This message has been edited by captaincargo (edited 04-03-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 captaincargo - All Rights Reserved | |||
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Cap: I liked this and think that this is a good expression of real emotions. You made me feel the regret that I think you were trying to communicate with this and this is why, as a whole, your poem works for me. My only suggestion is that, in the future, you consider not making all of your rhyming end-words into the end-stops of your lines. Allow your sentences and phrases continue into the next line and maybe even consider adding hard stop punctuation like semi-colons and periods mid-line. This (called enjambment) has a tendency of breaking up the monotony of rhyming couplets. Enjoyed your post, Cap. Jim |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hi Cap, I'm going to continue on with what Jim started. I truly hope that you don't mind if I do this. I is only to help, and, of course, only my opinion. I've had this done to me countless times, and I learned much from this method (whether you call it slice and dice, or cut and paste, it's all in the spirit of good will to a fellow poet). "My heart I can not still it Your heart I cannot fill it If when your life is full If where my thoughts of you are few" The 3rd and 4th lines are a bit vague...I would consider changing them so the meaning is clearer. I think you mean that when her life becomes full, your thoughts of her will be fewer. "When we were one and whole Soft and warm and full Like wind we wafted high Together saw the eagles fly" I liked this stanza, nice feeling, nice images. The only thing I would do is take out "the" from the last line. It fits the rhythm a bit better, I think. "What fields, or waves, or mountains glimpsed What roads, what paths, have we trod since We look at love before and after I smell, I feel, I taste the laughter" I loved this stanza, but again would change the last line to, perhaps, "I hear, I see, I feel the laughter". Laughter is usually not associated with the senses of smell and taste. "My pain is through, both lost and found My feet since planted firm on the ground You pined, you grieved, like infants sleep Soft, and light, and counting sheep" I liked this a lot, too. Just a bit of a loss of rhythm in the second line, which can easily be fixed by eliminating one syllable. "And now you come at me and sigh You question, you wonder, and ask me why I tell you it's not up to me You talked, you walked, and now you're free" Good ending, Cap. Second line, I might get more rhythm, again by eliminating a couple of syllables. It could read, "You question, wonder, ask me why" See, that wasn't so bad.  Hope I helped and didn't hurt. This was a very good poem filled with feeling.  Kris < !signature--> the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 04-05-2000).] |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
hi captaincargo i agree with warmhrt:the last 2 lines(esp the 3rd)of ur 1st stanza are a bit vague and what she has to say an suggestion:will it be better if you cancelled out the "the" in your poem and included more description instead? eg,majestic/grand eagles hearty/alluring laughter concrete ground i just feel this will spice up your piece ")all in all, i like this...looking 4ward to c ur re-write [This message has been edited by kaile (edited 04-05-2000).] |
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captaincargo Member
since 1999-11-25
Posts 109Corning, N.Y. U.S.A. |
Warmhrt: Thanks for the help. I do have a tendency to insert unneeded words. I gotta work on that. As far as the "Laughter" thing goes: This was a reference to a remembrance of the restaurant that I, a Lass, and some friends used to go to. So I am associating the "Smells & Tastes". I maybe should try to incorporate the restaurant into the piece. Maybe I was "hoping" someone would make the leap.... Oh well Cap. ... A rooster that is bound to crow, A crow that's bound to roost, And whichsoever he espies He tells the most unblushing lies. ... "The Sycophantic Fox and the Gullible Raven" John Gay < !signature--> Cap. Carg. [This message has been edited by captaincargo (edited 04-05-2000).] |
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