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Darin
Junior Member

since 2000-04-02

Posts 17

0 posted 2000-04-02 05:39 AM

As I stroll down the path of the righteous.
Stirs of echoes keep shifting through my mind
I search in earnest to find myself
My purpose in life not yet know,
But soon will come to pass

My shadow on the surface,
Reflects only the pain I feel inside
Lost in a world of chaos
My soul pours out unto the night
Not for compassion but for courage

I find strength in the words I write
My heart I open to the masses,
To fill your day with laughter
Hiding behind a coat of duplicity
I stroll down the path of the righteous.

Diana B
Member

since 2000-03-10

Posts 97

1 posted 2000-04-02 03:13 PM

"My shadow on the surface,
Reflects only the pain I feel inside
Lost in a world of chaos
My soul pours out unto the night
Not for compassion but for courage"

i identify with this so much...the introspection you speak of takes courage...the answers often elude us while the pain seems to linger. perhaps your writing will illuminate you as well as your readers removing masks and vestiges of duplicity. i liked this piece a lot.

[This message has been edited by Diana B (edited 04-02-2000).]

Marq
Member

since 1999-10-18

Posts 222

2 posted 2000-04-02 06:21 PM

I too found this easy to relate to. Your message is expressed very well.

jbouder
Member Elite

since 1999-09-18

Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash

3 posted 2000-04-02 09:30 PM

Darin:

Hello and welcome to Critical Analyis. I think this is a good poem and I agree with those who have already commented that it is easy to relate to your description of the subject matter. What I like about this is the resoluteness of the speaker in his clinging to hope in spite of the difficulty in doing so, and his refusal to embrace despair.

I am assuming that the "path of the righteous" is a Christian allusion, perhaps the "path" being the trail that was blazed by people before you. Your poem seems to tie itself tightly to a Christian theme of hope in the midst of trial. I thought you pulled this off well and I especially like some of your wording. I didn't much care for "lost in a world of chaos" for two reasons. First, it rings loudly of cliche and, second, it is terribly non-specific. What is a world of chaos like? Some might prefer it to a world of order depending on what you mean by "chaos". Well, perhaps I am splitting hairs now but I had to find SOMETHING in an otherwise strong poem.

Nice work, Darin, and I look forward to seeing more of your work in this forum.

Jim

Darin
Junior Member

since 2000-04-02

Posts 17

4 posted 2000-04-03 05:21 AM

Thanks a lot for all your replys. Im new at all of this, so i will reply to your poems soon.

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

5 posted 2000-04-03 12:03 PM

Hi Darin,

Welcome to Passions and the CA. This is a strong poem. But this is critical analysis and I do have 2 small suggestions.

First, in the 4th line,

"My purpose in life not yet know,"

the grammar seems wrong or more likely just a typo. Did you intend "known" instead of "know?

Second, punctuation. You have omitted most of the punctuation which proper usage would suggest. Some of the punctuation you have used is wrong, for example the period at the end of the first line. I would suggest that you either use punctuation properly (or within the limits of "poetic license") or omit it entirely.

Finally, in the last stanza there are 2 lines,

"My heart I open to the masses,
To fill your day with laughter"

These lines seem closely related. In the first you refer to "[THE] masses" then speak to "fill [YOUR] day". It seems like the lines would be in better agreement if YOUR were THEIR instead. Of course, it's possible I have misinterpreted the meaning here. But if so, maybe something else, possibly different wording, should help separate them.

These are, of course, just my opinion and this is your poem, so take them for what they're worth.

All-in-all quite enjoyable. Hope to see more soon.

Pete

What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity --
sufficiently sublime in their simplicity --
for the mere enunciation of my theme?
Edgar Allan Poe

Darin
Junior Member

since 2000-04-02

Posts 17

6 posted 2000-04-03 04:09 PM

Thanks Pete
Your suggestions helped me out alot.

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