Can you whisper a moment to me?

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Critical Analysis #1

Can you whisper a moment to me?

Ryan
Member

since 1999-06-10

Posts 297
Kansas

0 posted 2000-04-01 02:24 PM

summer leaves
drifting home
in the misty night

Ryan
< !signature-->

I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till i drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion.
—Jack Kerouac

[This message has been edited by Ryan (edited 04-01-2000).]

db
Junior Member

since 2000-03-28

Posts 13

1 posted 2000-04-01 04:38 PM

Ryan,
For a poem this short I think the images need to be more intense. The last two lines give me a good picture, but I'm not sure how summer leaves works with them. And is that 'leaves' as in what's on a tree, or 'leaves' as in going away?
Regards
Dan

Marq
Member

since 1999-10-18

Posts 222

2 posted 2000-04-02 06:32 PM

I can't tell whether this is about summer leaving, or leafs from a tree drifting home. Or if you wrote it intentionally to be understood both ways. My preference is for the leaf version -- that has a nice feel to it!

redwriter1
Member

since 1999-07-22

Posts 480
Franklin, TN

3 posted 2000-04-02 10:52 PM

3 lines does not a poem make..
it's a "thought"...

expanding on thoughts.. make poetry

Kay-lynn
**A dream is a wish your heart makes :)

tom
Member

since 2000-01-26

Posts 90
s/w penna u.s.a.

4 posted 2000-04-03 06:02 PM

Ryan

Taking the title into account I think a question mark(?) at the end would clarify your thoughts here.
Also sometimes more is more.

tom

love is what lovers do when your loving me and i'm loving you.

me

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