»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
Our Day
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
Our Day |
|
|
captaincargo Member
since 1999-11-25
Posts 109Corning, N.Y. U.S.A. |
My own love said to me To you I'll be true. She gave me her smile, And held out her hand. And my father once told me, Told me what makes a man? And he said it was iron, And he said it was sand. My mother she once said: If true peace you want, It's right on that stream son, Where often you've tread. Peace is a willow, Waving lissome and free. It bends with the wind lad, And draws life from the flow. My Lover she did say I want you today. And come to me always, She said on that day. But peace did not come, And love was untrue. My lover is gone now, My willow's dead too. My mother now asks me, with her will I pray? I smile and still see you, And remember our day. Cap. [This message has been edited by captaincargo (edited 03-28-2000).] |
||
| © Copyright 2000 captaincargo - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Kirsty24 Junior Member
since 2000-03-24
Posts 40Australia |
Cap, Nice sense of emotions portrayed.. I like the way you use the descriptions to bring out the emotions more.... Over all very touching  I like the way that you are in touch with your emotions...something that is very rare these days  Keep up the good work |
||
|
jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Hey Cap: My guess is that you were going for lyrical here. I like how you portrayed the subject but I think you could expand on it a little bit. Also, remember that when you decide to rhyme it is very important to try to regulate your meter or else the rhyme ends up sounding forced. I, personally, try to avoid rearranging my words so that a line can rhyme with the goal in mind to make the rhyme incidental to the piece. "My own love said to me To you I'll be true. She gave me her smile, And held out her hand." The only thing that didn't work for me in these lines was "My own ...". It seems as though they are both saying pretty much the same thing ... that the love you are talking about is your love. You might consider replacing "own" with a word that describes something about your love. Mind is drawing a blank now but "My dearest love ..." or "My only love ..." the kind of extra information about your love that I am thinking about. "And my father once told me, Told me what makes a man? And he said it was iron, And he said it was sand." I stumbled over the double take on "told me". Maybe "And my father once told me / what makes a real man / He said it was iron / and said it was sand." Just a suggestion. I think this is an idea that can be expanded into a second stanza. What properties of iron and sand make a man what he is? Be creative with this. I like the raw materials of this stanza and think you ought to consider building more with it. "My mother she once said: If true peace you want, It's right on that stream son, Where often you've tread." "My mother she ..." is another stumbling block for me here, Cap. I think you could improve the meter in the second line. I think you are missing a word or two in that line. "Peace is a willow, Waving lissome and free. It bends with the wind lad, And draws life from the flow. " I like how you develop what you introduced in your previous stanza, continuing your mother's statement. I think you meant "lithesome" in lieu of "lissome" in the second line. "Lissome", I think, means nimble and "lithesome" describes flexibility. I would drop the "lad" at the end of the third line. I think this improves the flow of the last two lines together. "My Lover she did say I want you today. And come to me always, She said on that day." The first line could easily be made to sound more natural if you reworded it to read, "My lover, she said ...". "But peace did not come, And love was untrue. My lover is gone now, My willow's dead too." I like these lines. They are a little short on the descriptive end but I think you've succeeded in communicate the feelings this caused you. "My mother now asks me, with her will I pray? I smile and still see you, And remember our day." I'm a little confused by your last stanza. Is your mother noticing your difficulty and offering to pray with you? This is what it seems like you are saying but I'm not entirely sure. Perhaps this is another stanza that would benefit from further development. Sorry it took me some time to get to this, Cap. Real life has been a rat race lately and I'm afraid I've been a little dilatory in my duties here.  I liked the expressiveness of this poem. A few tweaks is all it should need. Later.Jim |
||
|
captaincargo Member
since 1999-11-25
Posts 109Corning, N.Y. U.S.A. |
Kirsty, thank you so much for your comments. I'm not really much of a poet, but I find it fun and a change of pace from my usual writing. Thanks again, I really appreciate your post. Jim, thank you for your help once again. As always I'm glad you are here in cyberspace with me. I agree there should have been another stanza in between 2 and 3. I'll work on that. Also, right again, "She" really doesn't flow well either. As to "lissome" Funk and Wagnalls description lists it as, 1: Flexible:Pliant "Websters Dictionary" also lists it with a similar description. So, either or could be used in this case, and I must confess have a fondess for this version. Maybe I'm just old fashioned. In stanza 5 I was thinking of adding the word "Yes," to the beginning of the second line. Maybe this will help it to read better? As always you've given me some good ideas and I'll give this one some more work. Thanks again. Cap. ... So long as I live these joys will remain, I have touched the most primitive wildness again. "The Toil of the Trail" Hamlin Garland < !signature--> Cap. Carg. [This message has been edited by captaincargo (edited 03-30-2000).] |
||
|
SuZi New Member
since 2000-03-25
Posts 8Louisville, KY |
The second stanza grabbed me and sucked me in....not so much with how you said it but with what you said with those few words...please, please devote a poem to that thought. After all isn't our goal; to touch a soul with our words? This soul is touched, SuZi |
||
|
Ted Reynolds Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331 |
I like some of your verses very much, and am not vey moved by others. I think it's a matter of expectation. It's usually thought that regularity in line and meter makes a more appealing poem. Your poem is sometimes regular and sometimes not. So the following is an experiment, Cap. I've "revised" it, (actually, you can honestly claim that I've butchered it,) just for regular lines and rhymes, not paying much attention to meaning. My dear love said to me To you I'll be true. She gave me her smile, And she held my hand too. And my father once asked me, What makes one a man? And he said it was iron, And he said it was sand. My mother she told me If true peace you seek, It's right where you're standing, Down there in the creek. Peace is a willow, lad, Lissome and free. It bends with the wind, And life flows through the tree. My Lover she promised She'd come on that day. And come to me always, As oft as she may. But peace did not come, And her love was untrue. My lover is gone now, My willow's dead too. My mother now asks me, With her will I pray? I weep and still see you, Remember our day. I'd like it that way. Others wouldn't. Just so we'll all have choices to think about, and know why we make them. |
||
|
captaincargo Member
since 1999-11-25
Posts 109Corning, N.Y. U.S.A. |
Ted, WOW! What a wonderful rewrite. I want you to edit all of my stuff!! If you don't mind I'd like to keep most of this and make you the Co-author. Since(due to the total lack of time in my life)most of my stuff is created from start to finish in ten or fifteen minutes, whenever the mood strikes me. And almost always without much time for editing. I need a forum like this to point out the things that don't work or sound right. Everyone here has been so kind. And for you to take the time to go that extra mile is unexpected, but so very much appreciated! Thanks again everyone for being such a good Lyric community. I love cyberspace!! Cap. Now where did I put that outline??!! Cap. Carg. |
||
|
Ted Reynolds Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331 |
Wow, Cap, now you've made *me* feel good, too. But I don't need to revise your work. I'm just pointing out a simple rule that often improves first drafts. Go through and make your meter and rhyme regular . . . unless you have some actual reason *not* do to it in a particular piece. And you can do that as well as I could, and keep it yours. I envy your second stanza especially: what makes a man? And he said it was iron, And he said it was sand. and working on my revision gave me: "And life flows through the tree," which is all mine. (But you can share it.) Keep writing, and don't be over modest. I've read a lot of good stuff from you here. [This message has been edited by Ted Reynolds (edited 04-03-2000).] |
||
|
Ted Reynolds Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331 |
Oh, and one other thing. If you have to create in fifteen minute chunks (as I usually do also) put the poem aside for maybe a week, and then give fifteen minutes to a revision. And maybe don't post it until you really are satisfied with it OR there's something you're specifically dissatisfied with you can ask advice about. I usually spend three times as long on revision (I call it polishing) as on my first inspiration. (Though I hope it doesn't show, you always want it to seem as if it flowed right out of the muses's inkwell. |
||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Well said Ted. Those revisions are what makes it work for me too. Maybe those with plenty of talent can just pop them off the tops of their heads but I have to spend lots of time revising and rewriting. Glad to hear someone else works it the same way. Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
