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Critical Analysis #1
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Chico
Member
since 2000-02-10
Posts 67


0 posted 2000-04-01 12:18 PM


I remember the first day we met,
  I think I looked at you and frowned.
but you returned it with your smile,
  That made me feel good all around.
And I can't help but remember;
  Your eyes as they twinkled and shone.
like a bright red ember,
  That only a smile could have sown.
And I remember your dimples,
  They were so cute.
That I don't think anyone in the world,
  would have had a dispute.

And it seems totally crazy.
  now that I think about it,
That before I'd seen your smile.
  I had lived without it!
What did I used to do,
  when I felt  lonely and haunted.
And your smile wasn't there,
  to make me feel loved and wanted...
I remember looking for a smile,
  on all those lonly walks.
and all I'd seen were rats.
  in all those corn stalks.

If only i'd had your smile back then,
  My life would have been so easy,
instead of the wreak it's been.
  For now every time I am down,
your smile is there,
  To take away my frown.
And when by doubt and grief,
  I am once again being haunted.
I look to see your smile,
  To make me feel loved and wanted..
And now on my lonley walks,
  I can see you smiling at me,
through all those corn stalks.
  And when my problems,
start to get in the way.
  your smile is there.
To wipe them all away
  So smile for me one more time,
for I am feeling down.
  And I will try to learn,
to replace a smile smile with my frown

{I actually wrote this a while ago, but I wanted to post it here, just to change my topic, for a while, but to be honest with you, This poem is acutally written about avei.. (for those who know who she is, and if you don't. read some of my other poems.)
                                    CHICO

  


© Copyright 2000 Chico - All Rights Reserved
Diana B
Member
since 2000-03-10
Posts 97

1 posted 2000-04-01 10:47 AM


seems like someone made an impression deep within your soul that carries you through both he good and bad times...the sincerity of feelings is well projected...it might capture readers attention a little better if you condensed it and made it sharper...less detailed...keep the feelings and lose the dimples...would give it a more mature aspect...and remember that is only my opinion.  you put a lot of work into this i can see.
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