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Chico
Member

since 2000-02-10

Posts 67

0 posted 2000-03-27 08:59 PM

My Story

Let me tell you a story;
  Of love and hate.
How I Loved a girl named Avei;
  But I told her way to late.
I was afraid she'd say no!
  And tell me to go away;
That she'd tell me to go.
  That I could'nt stay...
So I stayed in the dark;
  without a word,
Without a remark...

  And I watched her live her life.
as if nothing was wrong.
  While I lived in strife.
And fear all day long.
  People kept telling me;
To let her know.
  To let her see!
My love to show...
  But it's easier said than done;
cause what if she did'nt love me?
  Her heart I hadn't won?
Then I'd have to live;
  With the rejection.
That would be infinitive;
  Without correction.
So I'd rather live;
  Thinking mabey she loved me.
without the affirmative.
  I probably wouldn't see

                            CHICO

[This message has been edited by Chico (edited 03-27-2000).]

Kirsty24
Junior Member

since 2000-03-24

Posts 40
Australia

1 posted 2000-03-27 11:16 PM

Chico,

I hope that you told her eventually that you loved her

.

I am no great poet, but there are a few things that I would keep an eye out for. Like me you need to watch your typo's. Other than that I would just watch your ryhmes a little..

Other than that I thought that it was great...

Diana B
Member

since 2000-03-10

Posts 97

2 posted 2000-04-01 11:15 AM

i can see by the two works posted you have been smitten...my only suggestion is that in trying to rhyme you tend to stretch the words beyond their impact.
"Let me tell you a story;
  Of love and hate.
How I Loved a girl named Avei;
  But I told her way to late.
I was afraid she'd say no!
  And tell me to go away;
That she'd tell me to go.
  That I could'nt stay...
So I stayed in the dark;
  without a word,
Without a remark..."
ok just a suggestion to show you what im trying to say...remember im no great poet...just an idea for you im sharing...
think it matures the emotions and smoothes some of the jumpiness that takes away from the flow and meaning ...

Out of fear i never spoke to Avei
of the love i felt for her
afraid that she would answer no
i held the words silenced in my darkness
until i found it was too late.

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