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Two Wet
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Two Wet |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563
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A sideways smile of a moon, Flames igniting, Casting shadows on scintillating sand, Music weaving curvaceously through still warm night air, An old quilt spread upon the beach, empty, but for clothing, hastily discarded. Two sets of footprints, and the piles of sand kicked behind, trail down to the caress of the water, Secreting them in the intoxicating flow, Where, under the influence of the surroundings, Their inhibitions drown, And they emerge, Two wet. Kristine < !signature--> the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 04-03-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 warmhrt - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Marq Member
since 1999-10-18
Posts 222 |
Very nice! Makes me want to go skinny-dipping!  ) |
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db Junior Member
since 2000-03-28
Posts 13 |
Kristine, you immediately got my attention with that first line and hooked me for the rest of the poem. Music weaving curvaceously is a wonderful line! A suggestion, instead of but for clothing, haphazardly discarded, What about simply, but for scattered clothing Not sure about the word "secreting". This may sound silly but is that from the word "secret" or "secrete" You set the scene here very nicely. I can really see it and feel it. I like the play on words with Two vs too A fun piece. Regards Dan |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Hey like this!! This is a great image... Music weaving curvaceously through still warm night air, I like the idea of an intangible thing becoming visible...great stuff. I was wondering about the hyphen in 'foot-prints', I don't believe it requires one. One little thing content wise - these lines: and the piles of sand kicked behind each I feel that perhaps the 'each' is a tad disconcordant, just 'kicked behind' sounds a little smoother and provides a tighter image. The reader already knows how the image works and the 'each' isn't necessary. What do you think? This is a good poem, Kris. Well done!  K'Writing sharpens life; life enriches writing' Sylvia Plath |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Marq, If you lived where I do, I think you'd freeze to death...  Thanks for reading and commenting. db, Secreting is from the verb, secrete, meaning to conceal or hide. I used the word haphazardly to suggest a rushed or hurried feeling with the clothing...but I could change it. I'll think on it a bit. I'm so glad you found the poem interesting and enjoyable. I'm actually going through somewhat of a block, but this just came out of nowhere. Thanks for the suggestions, and for reading. Severn, I think you are perfectly right about "each" ... I will edit right after I finish this reply. I'm so glad you read, liked the poem, and offered your help. Thank you And thank you all, Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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tom Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 90s/w penna u.s.a. |
warmhrt Nice piece, very arousing. I see you edited from the original.I liked the "an old quilt spread eagle" line better painted a pitcure of what was yet to come. my opinion nice read tom |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Thanks Tom, Well, I thought that was maybe too graphic, and I was going for subtle. I also wanted to make sure it was suitable for CA, and not be told to take it elsewhere (the adult forum). Glad you enjoyed, Kristine the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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captaincargo Member
since 1999-11-25
Posts 109Corning, N.Y. U.S.A. |
As usual, I read your piece over a few times. You always have so many lovely lines. "A sideways smile of a moon", was wonderful. As also was, "and the piles of sand kicked behind", not many people notice things like that. One small word of crit though, "Till they've drunk their fill", seemed like they were trying to drink the ocean. (IMHO) Don't know what else would work though. As always I enjoyed your poetry, I sat and remembered some of my times at the "night" beach. Thanks for the reruns. Cap. < !signature--> Cap. Carg. [This message has been edited by captaincargo (edited 04-01-2000).] |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Aye, aye, Captain, I wondered about that line, too, but figured if you tie in "intoxicating water", and the fact that you can drink in sights, sounds, feelings etc., I figured it would work. Thanks for pointing it out, though. Perhaps I could come up with something better. Glad you enjoyed the poem, and that it brought back fond memories. Also, thank you for the very kind comments. Kristine the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
Kris~ Hmmm, another warm night with a moon out and scattered clothes on the beach. I'm not Columbo, but I get the picture. Now to the poem. It's cute but has too many little words that could be eliminated. Since I am in the process of editing galleys, I know how I would take a knife to this poem but would prefer if you'd do the honors. Get rid of the little words. Perhaps think of this like a long haiku. Am not questioning your talent, and sometimes it's hard to see the forrest through the trees. Dan gave you an excellent suggestion with "scattered clothes". (You saved 4 words but kept the image intact -that's what I meant by a haiku style). Tom's suggestion was good too as was Severan's. I liked "old quilt spread eagle". It's visual. Also, I think you should clarify "them" in the "secreting them" line or delete it or change it to "secret liquid caresses" or something else. Try to condense. You probably don't want to hear this and I realize it's always a pain to rewrite but I think you'll find it rewarding if you do. best regards, bboog [This message has been edited by bboog (edited 04-01-2000).] |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Thank you very much, Mr. bboog...I sincerely appreciate your critiquing, and your kind intention to help. I will consider all that you've stated if I rewrite. I do, however, feel that if all the little words are taken out, something will be lost in images and feeling. A couple of them could be eliminated with no problem, but certainly not all. I also think that most people reading...seeing "clothing...discarded", the blanket, footprints...all this would tell them who "they" and "them" are...just an anonymous couple. Thanks again, bboog Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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captaincargo Member
since 1999-11-25
Posts 109Corning, N.Y. U.S.A. |
Kris: Clothing, They, them, footprints, blanket. Nuff said. Cap. ... "And then the dimple on his chin;" "Cupid and Campaspe" John Lyly Cap. Carg. |
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Malcolm Coleman Junior Member
since 2000-04-02
Posts 24United Kingdom |
you have some good lines, especially the two most people noticed, the first line and the line about the music. Both great imagery. Reading the replies, I saw that you weren't happy with the line "Till they've drunk their fill" I tried to consider what else could be used, and I came up with this, see what you think: Secreting them In the intoxicating flow Drowning in desire Till they emerge Two wet. Oh yeh, nice play on the too=two thing aswell Malcolm Coleman ** It seems I've waited years for this day to end. - Ronan Harris Thanks for reading, hope you're still awake. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Malcolm, Thanks for reading, and for the great suggestion! I had thought of something along those lines, but was trying to keep it in fitting with this forum. I was afraid something like that might push it over into the "adult" realm. Thanks again, Kristine the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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Malcolm Coleman Junior Member
since 2000-04-02
Posts 24United Kingdom |
I understand your concern about the poem becoming "Adult". So how about: Instead of "Drowning in desire" have "Blurring out life" Basically my thought is that if one was in the water, with someone else then the rest of the world would not be noticed. Perhaps you could look along those lines for an idea...or just delete the line "Drowning in desire" and leave it at that!Only trying to help Malcolm ** It seems I've waited years for this day to end. - Ronan Harris Thanks for reading, hope you're still awake. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Kris, Sorry I missed the original. I just now got back to Passions and saw this as edited. I don't see any problemswhich push it close to adult even though it certainly brings to mind a pleasant skinny dip with a favorite companion. I didn't have any problem with the "drunk their fill" line when I read it but after reading the comments, I do see how it could be easily misinterpreted. Don't have any suggestions for changing though. As always, you present an image which can not only be imagined but vividly seen. Thanks for sharing. Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Pete, Nice to see you! Again, your kind words make me feel good about writing. I know that one line is shaky...but just can't think of something that fits, and that I like...Oh, well...the search for the perfect phrase goes on... Thanks again, Sweet Pete, Kris< !signature--> the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 04-03-2000).] |
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