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Last Sunday Morning
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Last Sunday Morning |
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db Junior Member
since 2000-03-28
Posts 13 |
Such a normal day to pack a lunch and plan a dinner. We talked about the car when we should have talked of dreams. The unexpected pain. The panic call. Hold you hug you kiss you I love you. Hold you hug you kiss you. I love you. Life makes her final pass then fades into a lonely spring morning. I rock you goodbye. And the breeze still blows the bedroom sheers as it did moments ago. But life no longer dances. It lays here without motion, like dirt. The call of the coast and blue ocean are buried here, right here where I stand heavy on my dreams. |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
DB~ This seemed like a poignant and personal piece. Very nicely done. Was wondering if maybe the word "should" might be replaced with "could"? You could also (if you wanted) delete "the bedroom sheers" as the last stanza seemed to infer that you were standing outside, not inside. However, that is your call. I am hoping this is an experience that you are writing about and didn't have to personally experience. If you did, my sympathy goes out to you. Again, very nicely done. best regards, bboog [This message has been edited by bboog (edited 03-29-2000).] |
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db Junior Member
since 2000-03-28
Posts 13 |
bboog, thanks for reading and commenting. I like the word 'should' here because of the outcome of this day. Looking back, one might more likely think of things they should have said and done. secondly, although it may not be real clear, I was hoping to indicate a change of location with the last stanza, standing over someone's grave. and no, it wasn't my own experience. the wife of my mentor died, and this was the result of our phone conversation. good to hear from you again Regards Dan |
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Kirsty24 Junior Member
since 2000-03-24
Posts 40Australia |
DB, That was the most hair raising poem that I have ever read.. Thanks for sharing it with Passion..  |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
db: This is a very well written. Excellent word choice, imagery, and sound throughout. You communicate the feelings of loss, sudden loneliness and regret extremely well and succeeded in tugging my heartstrings with this poem. Welcome to Passions and to Critical Analysis. Thank you for posting this. Jim |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
This is stunning. I really like the format and these lines: It lays here without motion, like dirt. The call of the coast and blue ocean are buried here, right here where I stand heavy on my dreams. They move me. Welcome to Passions... (I was just wondering about the 'bedroom sheers' though? That has me slightly confused...and I don't usually admit to being confused...hehe)  K |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Dan, Let me add my welcome to Passions. Sorry I'm a little slow here. Liked the visual look as well as the content. Good wording. Very well done. Hope to see more soon. Thanks. Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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Tony Di Bart Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 160Toronto, Canada |
db WOW!!!!Stunning. I have to agree with everyone here. THis poem is wonderful. The opening is beautiful and really takes me into the poem. The sadness and lonliness of loss is communicated with surgical percision. A great read and thanks for posting. |
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captaincargo Member
since 1999-11-25
Posts 109Corning, N.Y. U.S.A. |
I liked the "and the breeze still blows the bedroom sheers as it did moments ago" It reminds me of an "ill wind" blowing. Good poem, made me think for quite awhile about many things. Cap. Cap. Carg. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Welcome db! You're courageous to post such a personal, intimate poem as your first. It is excellent, and I have no constuctive criticism. It spoke with emotion and imagery ... very well-written. The steps,to me, gave the feeling of desperation, clinging to something that one could not stop from descending, or leaving. I took the bedroom sheers line to mean "how can they still be blowing the same way, when the world's different now - nothing's the same". Very nice work, db Kristine< !signature--> the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 03-31-2000).] |
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Ted Reynolds Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331 |
A stunning debut. I can't improve on this either. Two "tour-de-forces" in this poem that I don't think anyone has mentioned yet. First, "Hold you hug you kiss you. I love you" is immediately repeated word for word, which one should almost never do, and yet instead of irritating, it *enhances* the effect. Second, the poem never speaks of a death, yet we know there has been one. By coincidence, Not-a-Poet's piece on his dog, also just posted, does the same thing in a very different way. This might be worth a challenge to the rest of us. I think of writing: "When he voted for handguns, I burst into tears; When I heard the news just now, I laughed out loud," but that's unworthy. I'll try again later. [This message has been edited by Ted Reynolds (edited 03-31-2000).] |
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db Junior Member
since 2000-03-28
Posts 13 |
Thank you all for your kind comments. I appreciate it. I look forward to sharing my thoughts and hearing yours. Regards Dan db To Kristine (warmhrt), that's what I wanted to get across with the blowing sheers. Glad you picked up on it. Although the idea of ill wind by Cap is interesting. thanks again |
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whipsnade Junior Member
since 2000-02-28
Posts 40 |
Just very beautiful and moving,, wouldn't change a thing. whipsnade. |
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redwriter1 Member
since 1999-07-22
Posts 480Franklin, TN |
And the breeze still blows the bedroom sheers as it did moments ago. *** key line for me here.. "as it did moments ago". shows you the clear feeling of how quickly your life can go from moving.. to a dead stop.. yet everything around you .. keeps going.. Very well done.. Kay-lynn www.mp3.com/kaylynn Kay-lynn **A dream is a wish your heart makes :) |
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