What is a friend?..........

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Sandra Cox
Junior Member

since 2000-03-24

Posts 48
Essex, London,UK

0 posted 2000-03-30 02:25 PM

What is a friend?.........

What is a friend I hear you ask
Well someone who is up to the task
Its tricky you see a very hard job
Not just for any Tom Dick or Bob

Someone to trust above all other
And someone kind just like your mother
A person that accepts the way you are
Who will go the distance no matter how far

See's all your good points and the bad
Can argue with you but never stay mad
Someone you can call no matter the time
Who'll listen and tell you all will be fine

This person is one of the very best
So put them ahead of all the rest
Cherish and keep their friendship true
And they will always stay close to you

Sandra Cox x

Dedicated to all our friends who are there when we need them!

captaincargo
Member

since 1999-11-25

Posts 109
Corning, N.Y. U.S.A.

1 posted 2000-03-31 11:10 AM

Nice. Good meter and tempo. It flowed(for me at least) quite well. I kept trying to put an "s" on "other" to make it "others" though.

I love the meaning it portrayed. Many good lines here including the lines,
"Someone you can call no matter the time
Who'll listen and tell you all will be fine"

Thanks for posting this. Now I've just gotta call a friend and tell her how much I appreciate her. Thanks again.

Cap.

Cap. Carg.

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

2 posted 2000-03-31 12:23 PM

Hi Sandra,

I agree with Cap on the meter and tempo, it did flow nicely. I also agree on onters in place of other in the 5th line. It needs to be there and I think the rhyme would still be quite acceptable.

The message is nice as well as appropriate and I always enjoy well composed rhyming couplets. Now, this is critical analysis so let me try to give you my critical thoughts. These are, of course, personal observations having no particular significance or importance, other than to me. Just a longer way of saying in my humble opinion (IMHO).

First, you have attempted to treat a rather serious and important subject. A few of the lines you have used feel a little lightweight for this purpose. For example:

   "Its tricky you see a very hard job
   Not just for any Tom Dick or Bob"

Now, it's perfectly clear what your intent was and I think it an important statement to make. I just think you could spend a little time on those lines and make them much stronger. Tricky is probably unworthy of your subject matter. And "you see" leaves the impression that you just needed some filler there for the meter. Also it might be confusing for the reader as there are multiple ways to interpret this line without punctuation. It could be

   Its tricky, you see a very hard job,
   Its tricky you see, a very hard job
when I think you intended
   Its tricky, you see, a very hard job

Now I'm not suggesting you punctuate this line since you have not punctuated the rest of the poem. But without punctuation, you probably could be more careful of the wording to avoid confusion.

Then "Tom Dick or Bob" is a bit of a cliche but then twisted or reformed to fit the rhyme scheme. Again, I think a fresh way of wording that phrase would be better.

I guess what I'm having a hard time trying to say is a more sophisticated choice of some of your wording would be appropriate. Now remember all this is JMHO so take it for what it's worth. I hope that, as a reader, I may be of some help to you. If you feel like these suggestions can help you improve your poem then use whatever you want. If not then feel perfectly free to just ignore and continue on.

Thanks for writing and for letting me critique and thus keep the moderators off my back.

Pete

What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity --
sufficiently sublime in their simplicity --
for the mere enunciation of my theme?
Edgar Allan Poe

Diana B
Member

since 2000-03-10

Posts 97

3 posted 2000-03-31 01:59 PM

the sentiment rang true
punching up the language a bit would give it more power
read so nicely just flowed off the tongue

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