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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Closer and Closer |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
I have to hold on to the thought. Unbidden, unwelcome. She's all right without me. Doesn't want me to guide her from impetuous decisions cleavage-baring outfits much too easy-going manner and monthly stolid ways. Yet the way she laughs shakes off my gloomiest thoughts. The idea sometimes overwhelms me intellectually. How much I miss her. [This message has been edited by bboog (edited 03-25-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Robert Boog - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania |
bboog, I know this sounds like a weird comment, maybe not what you want to hear. But this poem is very, very dear. You hint at your feelings in the very first line, turn the poem around with her laughter, then come right out and say it with the last line. You've captured the feeling, and it was a pleasant little read. Liz |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
L~ Thank you for your kind words. I was trying to capture an awkward mood/feelings, and was hopeful that somebody would respond. I read in one of your posts to Jim about how writing free verse was more difficult for you than rhyme. My old poetry teacher suggested that people first start writing rhyme and meter and then move on to free verse. For a good example of free verse, check out Ted Reynolds poem, The Cruise. I think he did an excellent job of capturing an awkward moment. best regards, bboog |
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Tess Member
since 2000-03-22
Posts 288Australia |
Well I came in search of a poem of yours to look at..(thanks for commenting on "Child of the earth" I did reply to you there..l'm still getting the hang of all this!!) and I found one. An impressive attempt at free verse. And I liked it, whimsical but sad too. That sort of I'm not close, but really I am type feeling. I could relate to it, and I enjoyed it  Tess "What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies." -Aristotle |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
dear bboog,thank you for always commenting on my work--i am here to return the flavor ")i must say i enjoy this piece,yet the word "intellectually" sort of bothers me...why intellectual...as they say "love is blind" ,shouldn't love be more of an emotional response,something more "feeling" than practical????esp when you list down all her shortcomings,but you express your love for her at the end.... |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Bboog, Yes, ironic isn't it that inspite of any and all perceived or real shortcomings, we are bound to love them anyway. Seems most unfair to me. You have expressed that quite well. Other than that I won't really try to critique your free verse  Thanks. Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
To Tess, Kaile and Pete: Thank you for reading and commenting. It was gratifying to hear your responses. To Kaile, Thank you for pointing out your concern witht the word "intellectual". I suppose the best way to explain why I used it was because I wanted to convey a more three dimensional response. Not being wanted anymore hurts more than just one's feelings. Again, thanks to everyone for reading/responding. bboog |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
B- I'm sorry I let this one sit for a few days but real life has gotten to be quite hairy lately. B-, you are in real estate, you ever have to coordinate the furnishing of a new hotel? Ugh! Anyway, to the poem. I agree with Elizabeth that you, with quite a bit of proficiency, captured the moment with this one. I didn't have a problem with the word "intellectually". I think it is quite normal, in retrospect, to try to reconcile the importance of the feelings you describe with the negatives about the relationship. Strong work here, B-. I also noticed your comment to Elizabeth. I, personally, have found that writing structured verse has forced me to pay close attention to word sound (an ability I lacked before writing poetry). This attention and awareness of word sound is a tremendous tool in writing free-verse. Thanks for the read and the insight. Jim |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
Jim, Thanks for reading and commenting. No, I've never had to work on furnishing a hotel. I did sell a church once and the owners mowed it down and built a retirement hotel, but I only collected the commission and never stepped inside the new place. Currently though I am busy juggling ten projects at once so I know how you feel. As far as writing free verse goes, my idea has been to try and strike the "off-key" notes, certain moods and feelings that aren't easily conveyed with rhyme and meter. Ted's poem is a good example. You meet somebody you haven't seen in years and yet you know something because somebody else has told you and yet you don't want to be the first one to open your mouth about it. I don't know if that made any sense to you, but that kind of moment, I think, is what free verse is meant to capture. I think both you and Liz and Pete and Kris should write a few poems about off-beat moments in free verse. You all seem to know how to use meter and sound. Just duck when somebody throws a dart! (Hopping off soap box) Thanks again for reading and commenting, Jim. Take care. Best regards, bboog [This message has been edited by bboog (edited 03-24-2000).] |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hey boog, We've all experienced something similar, and you've done a good job communicating those feelings of rejection. I liked this a lot, everything except the word, "sluttishness". How about a replacement...the line could read, "Much too easy going ways", and it would convey the same message, but be a bit smoother. JMHO, but I don't think a poem has to be jarring in sound and rhythym to capture "awkward" moments. I noticed you lumped my name in with the "structuralists". I'm afraid you're mistaken...free verse is my choice of format, though since coming here to CA, and being mentored by a very learned and accomplished poet, I have broadened my abilities. I do feel structure can help in learning rhythm, and I think my free verse has improved since coming here. Feel free to look through my poetry...just use search. I think you will find that to be true. Again, good work, boog, Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
Kris~ Thanks for reading and responding. I'm guilty of reading only your two posts on this page which seemed a little structured, but I'll do a search. Oh and before I forget, I use bboog to post because there is a person lurking in the internet who really objects to anyone else using "boog" except for him. I think I have one of his lunatic e-mails in the deleted section of my mailbox. He hasn't bothered me since I've used bboog. In regards to "sluttishness" I'm working on it. I want a word or image to make the friction between the two. He sees her ways as being "sluttish" (even though she's not) while she probably thinks she's just an easygoing, fun-loving girl who likes to stay dressed in fashion. (Which is why she probably left him and they're never getting closer and closer). The title was supposed to be ironic. Anyway, thanks for reading it. best regards, bboog [This message has been edited by bboog (edited 03-25-2000).] |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
This one's okay. Would have liked a bit more background (I kind of thought it was a father/daughter thing at first -- actually, I'm still not sure of the relationship going on here) but that's just me I guess. However, I liked the voice that came out, think getting rid of sluttishness was a definite improvement, and loved the word 'intellectually' (hey, we all have different tastes). But please, please change that title. I keep misreading it as 'Curiouser and curiouser'. Brad |
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tom Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 90s/w penna u.s.a. |
bboog Sorry I'm late with this, going down the list I liked the last three lines the best,told the underlying story. I played around with it and put those lines first,put it in a way that worked for me. Because I was uncertain of whom you were talking about ( as Brad pointed out ). I hope it's not your daughter,that cleavage line.... good read tom all day-every day |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
To Tom & Brad, Thanks for reading and commenting. Haven't had much time lately,but better late than never, right? Again, thank you for reading. bboog |
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Marq Member
since 1999-10-18
Posts 222 |
I enjoyed this! I think it's well done except for the last line I think could be expressed in a more original way if you thought long enough and and hard enough about it. |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
Marq, Cool. Thanks for reading and responding. Will keep it in mind. Any suggestions, feel to post them. best regards, bboog |
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Alice New Member
since 2000-03-11
Posts 3 |
This read like a father/daughter relationship... which I can relate to.. have a teenager at the moment. You have captured those feelings well, our desire to see our children independant and doing well, with the overwhelming feeling of loss when they eventually leave. I really like this bboog......alice |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
Alice, Thanks for reading and commenting! best regards, bboog |
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