navwin » Archives » Critical Analysis #1 » Our Funny Dog (revised and reposted from the workshop)
Critical Analysis #1
Post A Reply Post New Topic Our Funny Dog (revised and reposted from the workshop) Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

0 posted 2000-03-30 02:21 PM


This was my first attempt at free verse, written for the workshop. The lovely and talented Warmhrt offered some advice and I have tried to fix it up along those lines. I take full responsibility for anything wrong in it and give her most of the credit for anything right.   Thanks so much, Kristine.


Our Funny Little Dog

He was a funny little dog,
I mean a funny sight,
A sort of dirty black, tangled mass
Of what looked more like lint
Than hair or fur,
But we knew him as
A loveable fuzzball.

Oh, he did his share
Of funny things too,
Pretending to not eat
Until I got on all four
As if to attack his dish --
We called that "play food" --
A silly little game but
He liked making me do that,
Power, I think.

Then there was my daughter's
Very large stuffed lion,
Four times his size and ferocious,
But he was never to shy or timid
To, well, sniff its backside,
I'm sure with romance
On his mind.

And he was smart,
Knew how to do about
Anything he wanted and
Knew how to work us,
His human pets, pretty well
But he never could remember to
Watch for those razor-like claws
On his cat lurking on the chair
He was running under
Until too late.
Slash.
Again.

He climbed into his bed early
Most nights so he could awake early
To be my alarm clock next morning --
I'd feel a thump as he hit my bed,
Or maybe a warm lick on my hand
He took that job seriously --
But that night, when I had to help
Him into his little red bed,
I somehow knew he wouldn't
Wake me tomorrow.

< !signature-->

 Pete

     What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity --
     sufficiently sublime in their simplicity --
     for the mere enunciation of my theme?
          Edgar Allan Poe




[This message has been edited by Not A Poet (edited 03-30-2000).]

© Copyright 2000 Pete Rawlings - All Rights Reserved
warmhrt
Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563

1 posted 2000-03-30 08:48 PM


Sweet Pete,  

You've done a good job of revising, and produced a 'sweet as you' tale of how much a household pet can really become one of the family. When we lose them, the grief can be similar to losing any other family member, though usually not as intense or longlasting.
The ending was touching...the entire story well-told.

Free verse can be a challenge to one who usually writes structured verse (and vice-versa), but I think you did a fine job here, Pete.

Kris

P.S. You're very welcome, and you give me much too much credit.

 the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing
A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare

Hyperion
New Member
since 1999-11-26
Posts 7
Corning, N.Y.
2 posted 2000-03-31 09:48 AM


This was very endearing and the ending pulled mightily on my heartstrings.

A very well done free verse.

Ted Reynolds
Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331

3 posted 2000-03-31 01:15 PM


Excellent choice of descriptive elements.  It touches the heart.
bboog
Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303
Valencia, California
4 posted 2000-03-31 03:43 PM


P~
  My only suggestion would be to title the poem, Scruffy or Pongo or whatever the name of the dog is. Just seemed a little redundant to read the title and then the first line. Otherwise, good job. I like the effort you put into making this better (from the first time I saw it posted).
best regards,
bboog

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
5 posted 2000-04-03 10:24 AM


Kris, how could I give you too much credit?   But thanks all for responding.  As you can probably guess, this was a factual story. We lost the little guy about 10 years ago so it does seem that the little critters leave their marks. We can also tell who are the hopeless sentimentalists can't we?  

Well, thanks again.


 Pete

What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity --
sufficiently sublime in their simplicity --
for the mere enunciation of my theme?
Edgar Allan Poe



jbouder
Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash
6 posted 2000-04-03 10:28 AM


Pete:

There is nothing sentimentalistic about losing your dog, Pete.  This one almost made me forget about the "importance" of being macho.  The unexpected ending hit me right in the gut.  You ought to consider writing more free-verse, Pete.  I'm not saying give up the structured stuff (you KNOW I would never suggest such a thing) but you told this one so well that I think it is worthwhile for you to give free-verse another go.  Nothing wrong with being well-rounded, right?    Nice work, Pete.

Jim

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
7 posted 2000-04-03 12:22 PM


I really don't know how I wrote this but a few lines and thoughts came to me on the drive to work one day. I had been struggling with the free verse assignment in Nan's workshop and it was near deadline time. Well, most of it then came pretty quickly as I remembered some of the little guy's pranks and mentaly wrote them down.

The first write clearly showed that it was hastily done but Kristine kindly pointed out that it was pretty wordy and could be improved by trimming.

I showed the original version to my wife. She read and I watched her smile as she also remembered those little things and short times. Then she got to the end and I saw tears in her eyes and she didn't say anything.

Well, sorry to go sentimental on you guys but that's pretty much the whole story. And, Jim, I'll probably try some more but right now I still have several structured things working.  

Thanks.
Pete

kaile
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Ascendant
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146
singapore
8 posted 2000-04-05 03:49 AM


Funny Little Dog

Despair at the fool~
Even mild cats bully him!
Yet we love him so...

okay,this is not very well done but i hope this is an appropriate tribute to ur dog  ")


[This message has been edited by kaile (edited 04-05-2000).]

Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Archives » Critical Analysis #1 » Our Funny Dog (revised and reposted from the workshop)

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary