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| How to Join | Member's Area | Private Library | Search | Sanctuary | Login | |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Main Forums | Discussion | Tech Talk | Mature Content | Archives |
A home without a wall, |
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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Love And Friendship |
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CGH New Member
since 2000-03-25
Posts 8 |
"A Letter Never Given" by CGH When I saw you for the first time You stood out to me in a group of people. You smiled and laughed, and so I laughed. You had the most beautiful brown eyes That captured my attention leaving me speechless. And as the days went by, I thought about that look in your eyes. Before I knew it we had become friends Sharing secrets, but not all secrets Some still remaining unseen Only to be revealed as our trust grew. Was it lust or love I felt? Did I even know the difference? The feelings were unclear All I knew was that as the days went by, I waited to see that look in your eyes. As my interest in you grew as more then a friend, The question came up Do you feel the same, are the feelings the same? This question still remains. We played games with each other every day. You would visit for a minute and then leave, Always keeping me wanting more. You gave me a touch, a caress that drove my emotions wild And then you were gone. And as the days went by, I missed that look in your eyes. The games continued while the friendship grew But were they to entice, to attract Or were they only present in my mind, A figment of my imagination This I do not know. Every night I stay awake and picture, The flow of your hair against your shoulders, The confidence in your smile, the very beauty of your soul. I think about what the first touch of our lips will be like, Or if it will happen at all. And as the days go by, I dream about that look in your eyes. How can I show you that I care When I'm worried about showing my true feelings? I become nervous when I see you, And long for the day when this weight will be lifted from my heart. As you sit inches away, starring at me with those beautiful eyes I can't help but wonder if the feelings are the same. But while we play these games, The question still remains. I write this letter and place it in my desk Waiting for the day when I can finally express the love I have for you Without fear of rejection or pain Until then, the question still remains. |
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| © Copyright 2000 CGH - All Rights Reserved | |||
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
to CGH, I don't know how old you are, but I do know that this is your first post here, so congratulations for writing this poem and having the courage to post it here. Having said that, there are a couple of places where it seemed a little wordy. Example: "Sharing secrets, but not all secrets Some still remaining unseen only to be revealed as our trust grew" You could edit it to: Sharing secrets, Some unseen revealed as our trust grew In other words, consider paring it down just a bit. This is only my opinion, you are the author, so decide what you want to do. best regards, bboog |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
Welcome to the family. Check your email for a special welcome. |
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CGH New Member
since 2000-03-25
Posts 8 |
Thank you bboog, I appreciate the criticism. |
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tom Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 90s/w penna u.s.a. |
CGH I have to agree with bboog,sometimes less is more Other than that, this is a very descriptive piece of work. I liked it tom |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hello CGH, and welcome to CA, I saw this a while ago, and intended to comment, but didn't get to it then, so here I am. This piece struck me, because, although it is a oft used theme, you have given it so much feeling, and with such sincerity. Your rhythm is good, word and phrase choices also good (I don't consider it too wordy), and the theme is well-developed. The only thing I might change is one of the last lines in the last two stanzas, as they are nearly identical. You've done a very good job, here, CGH. Hope to see more of your work soon. Kristine the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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CGH New Member
since 2000-03-25
Posts 8 |
THANK YOU WARMHRT I'M GLAD THAT YOU ENJOYED THE POEM, THEIR ARE A FEW LINES THAT MIGHT BE WORDY AND I'M THINKING OF SHORTNING THEM. |
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Chico Member
since 2000-02-10
Posts 67 |
CHG, I have to agree with what bbog said, But I wanted to let you know that I appreciated the thought of the poem, because I am going trhough the same thing, trying to decide if I wante tell her, or not to, and if you read some of my poems, I think you will see what I mean.. so thank you, I apreciate the thoughts... CHICO |
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CGH New Member
since 2000-03-25
Posts 8 |
IF ANYONE HAS IDEAS ON HOW TO SHORTEN IT AND KEEP IT FROM BEING TO WORDY I'D APPRECIATE IT, I'M WORKING ON IT AND HAVE SOME IDEAS BUT AS OF RIGHT NOW I'M STUCK |
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redwriter1 Member
since 1999-07-22
Posts 480Franklin, TN |
If I may say, this is one of the truest and most honest things I've read in this forum or any other. And as far as I'm concerned, some of the best love letters have become works of art without being "edited". I wouldn't change a thing. Not one thing! I felt every word, understood every line, and sighed at the end... (sigh) So, as far as being a good writer, you've done your job well! The truth doesn't always rhyme (smile) but then none of the truly good stuff does.! Signed Very impressed Kay-lynn Carew |
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CGH New Member
since 2000-03-25
Posts 8 |
THANK YOU |
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Malcolm Coleman Junior Member
since 2000-04-02
Posts 24United Kingdom |
I felt that I had to write something, because I can relate to this poem completely, and I had to let you know that I know exactly how you are feeling. I can see the advantage in leaving the poem as it is, and if you do try to neaten it, you must not lose any of the truth you have weaved throughout. If you discover this happening you should return to the original. However, I think that it also could benefit from shortening, as I think it is ALMOST prose, not quite though!  Good luck with your friend, I hope everything works out for you. Best Wishes Malcolm ** It seems I've waited years for this day to end. - Ronan Harris Thanks for reading, hope you're still awake. |
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