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Paradise by the shore
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Paradise by the shore |
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Tony Di Bart Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 160Toronto, Canada |
The water kisses the shoreline softly and repeatedly. The moon is captured by the ripples and is momentarily imprisoned by me eyes, before it jumps on to the next wave. The city stands tall behind me. I can hear the numbing hum of engines the white noise from the countless TV sets. I can smell the water, taste it even It smells like life, algae and bacteria. Most people would say it smells bad, smells like death. They would rather have their nostrils filled with exhaust, it smells like progress it reminds them of how “great we are” How evolved we are The killdeer’s cry awakens my mind makes me present to this place To this paradise by the shore. Where seagulls dive for fish in the twilight and all the while the water kisses the shore again and again and again..... |
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| © Copyright 2000 Anthony Di Bartolomeo - All Rights Reserved | |||
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
Tony, My dad lives near Malibu so I can relate to the sea images. You've got some nice things going here. Suggestions: a)in general, watch the adverbs. b) instead of The moon is captured by the ripples, perhaps, The ripples capture the moon, softly, repeatedly. c) this line needs to be fixed, (perhaps by adding a smell/sound because the previous two lines were visual) "and is momentarily imprisoned by me eyes,before it jumps on to the next wave." I liked the comparison of the sea to the city Keep playing around with it. best regards, bboog |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Tony, Very nice! I loved the way you compared progress and nature...the lapping water at your feet. I am always drawn to pieces like this because I adore the water's edge...the sights, the sounds, the utter tranquility it seems to bring about within me. You did a great job with the imagery, and with feeling. Very good work, Tony, Kristine the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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Tony Di Bart Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 160Toronto, Canada |
bbogg and Kris Thanks for your comment. I will be re-writing this and re-posting. See ya |
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