navwin » Archives » Critical Analysis #1 » Paradise by the shore
Critical Analysis #1
Post A Reply Post New Topic Paradise by the shore Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
Tony Di Bart
Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 160
Toronto, Canada

0 posted 2000-03-28 08:44 PM


The water kisses the shoreline
softly and repeatedly.
The moon is captured by the ripples
and is momentarily imprisoned by me eyes,
before it jumps on to the next wave.

The city stands tall behind me.
I can hear the numbing hum of engines
the white noise from the countless TV sets.
I can smell the water, taste it even
It smells like life,
algae and bacteria.
Most people would say it smells bad,
smells like death.
They would rather have their nostrils filled with exhaust, it smells like progress
it reminds them of how “great we are”
How evolved we are

The killdeer’s cry awakens my mind
makes me present to this place
To this paradise by the shore.
Where seagulls dive for fish in the twilight
and all the while the water kisses the shore
again and again and again.....

© Copyright 2000 Anthony Di Bartolomeo - All Rights Reserved
bboog
Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303
Valencia, California
1 posted 2000-03-28 09:40 PM


Tony,
  My dad lives near Malibu so I can relate to the sea images. You've got some nice things going here. Suggestions:
a)in general, watch the adverbs.
b) instead of The moon is captured by the ripples, perhaps, The ripples capture the moon, softly, repeatedly.
c) this line needs to be fixed, (perhaps by adding a smell/sound because the previous two lines were visual) "and is momentarily imprisoned by me eyes,before it jumps on to the next wave."
I liked the comparison of the sea to the city
Keep playing around with it.
best regards,
bboog




warmhrt
Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563

2 posted 2000-03-29 12:10 PM


Tony,

Very nice! I loved the way you compared progress and nature...the lapping water at your feet. I am always drawn to pieces like this because I adore the water's edge...the sights, the sounds, the utter tranquility it seems to bring about within me. You did a great job with the imagery, and with feeling.

Very good work, Tony,
Kristine

 the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing
A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare

Tony Di Bart
Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 160
Toronto, Canada
3 posted 2000-03-29 04:31 PM


bbogg and Kris

Thanks for your comment.  I will be re-writing this and re-posting.  

See ya

Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Archives » Critical Analysis #1 » Paradise by the shore

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary