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At Santa Barbara
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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At Santa Barbara |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
At Santa Barbara By bboog The day is washed with lightness. The squall is finally over. We take the kids and drive (In angry silence for a little while) To the zoo at Santa Barbara. A giraffe with a misshapen neck gawks at us. "His crooked neck doesn't hurt him" a sign reads. (Though how would the sign-painter know?) Moody monkeys and sullen tigers with their little ones Eye us with their beady eyes. Birds are squawking tiny ones swallowing questions. A few blocks away from the zoo, we drive to a sandy public beach and park. My wife and I hold hands and watch our two young boys race the tide. The storm waves have quieted down. The sun hangs lower in the sky. They say that the Indians always enjoyed it here After the storm waters Had quieted down. [This message has been edited by bboog (edited 03-20-2000).] |
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Ted Reynolds Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331 |
A very nice parallel drawn between meteorological and interpersonal weather. Most of my trouble was with the second stanza. "Moody monkeys and tigers with their Little ones- eyed us with beady eyes. Birds were singing; tiny ones swallowing Questions." The break after "their" seemed wrong; I'd rather have an adjective or adverb for the tigers. "Eyed us with . . . eyes"? You'll want to change that. And I'd break after "ones," not "questions." I like the way the day, the tide, the quarrel, and the words all quietly trail off in the end . . . "all passion spent." I wonder if you might come up with more of a wham at the beginning, then. It's just after the "storm," after all. "As the thunderclap rolled away . . . " well, that doesn't fit your squall, but you see what I mean. But, if you tinker with the middle, I also like it as it is. |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
Ted R~ Thanks for your critique. That middle stanza has been giving me trouble. I think I was trying to be too clever. I was trying to match the moody/suspicious faces of the animals with the people(my wife and I). (In the Chinese horoscope she's a tiger and I'm a monkey) I will tinker around with that a little more. Thanks for catching the break after "their". I saw a bird with a worm and the worm looked like a question mark. It seemed to fit as all the little children were asking the zoo keepers questions. Thanks for reading/commenting. best regards, bboog |
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