Crawl inside my heart - pipTalk Forums

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Stargazer
Junior Member

since 2000-01-21

Posts 16
Alvordton, OH USA

0 posted 2000-03-19 12:37 PM

Crawl inside
this heart of mine

it's empty
and void
it sings a haunting tune
of past loves
and remembered carresses
it is a fortress
wallowing in a puddle
of despair
a forgotten temple
to the goddess of love
the pillars tremble
and crack

crawl inside
this heart of mine

and be my foundation
holding me up
where a tremor
a tremble of vulnerability
could bring the ceiling
tumbling down

crawl inside
this heart of mine

and be my true love
heal all the scars
and the bruises
every memory
of hatred
possess my soul
and nourish me
help me
be born anew

Stargazer

"I wish they would only take me as I am."
-Vincent Van Gogh

Tony Di Bart
Member

since 2000-01-26

Posts 160
Toronto, Canada

1 posted 2000-03-19 10:57 AM

Hello

My First read through the poem there is way to much shaking going on(lol). You have used the word tremble at the end of the !st stanza and then again in the begining of the second stanza. Followed by the word tremor. I would loose one of them at least.

Also when I read the poem I feel like the line structure should be longer. I know that you have picked a short line structure but almost every line starts with and, it of. I think that you could make the lines a little longer and it may read better.

For eg.

it's empty and void
sings a haunting tune
of past loves and remembered carresses

But that only my opinion

see ya

bboog
Member

since 2000-02-29

Posts 303
Valencia, California

2 posted 2000-03-19 06:05 PM

Star~
   You'll probably hate me for writing this, but I think you should consider renaming it, Don't Crawl Into This Heart of Mine.
It better fits the logic of what you're saying. Example, if I asked you to crawl into an empty, dark, void place with a puddle in it, you'd probably tell me to get lost. Right? What's in it for you? You probably wouldn't want to go there.
  but if I asked you to crawl into a place that looked vacant but is really full of home-cooked goodies, babyoil massages, lots of comedy-club laughter and Peter Frampton music playing in the background maybe you'd consider joining me. And together maybe we could start a fire?
   I guess what I'm saying is you might want to consider rewriting it, with a "don't" and "do" kind of style. Does this make any sense?
   best wishes,
bboog

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