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captaincargo
Member

since 1999-11-25

Posts 109
Corning, N.Y. U.S.A.

0 posted 2000-03-18 07:15 PM

My heart I will show,
My heart you may know
As only a lover can see.
And what would you do?
And what could you say,
After diving, so deep and so true.

Watching tears unbid slide
From my fallow eyes,
They would sing the same lie.
And our love would still die
For the sake of our pride,
Yes, it's deed and not what we say.

The taste of this day
while your still in my thoughts,
And "yes" I will manage my love.
Though my heart is low-
My heart is love,
If only it would break and as it may.

To be set as a bone
To heal and go home.
Go home and start life and not sway.
To mourn for my dream
To pass down that stream,
As only a lost heart can know.

To heal and grow strong
And learn a new song,
To hide scars that it never can show.
And it asks itself why,
And looks at the sky.
A sky that will never grow old.

Cap.

"The fields breathe sweet, the daisies kiss our feet."
Thomas Nashe

Cap. Carg.

Craig
Member

since 1999-06-10

Posts 444

1 posted 2000-03-21 05:12 PM

Hello Cap.

I’ve been AWOL for a couple of days which has meant I’ve had a lot of catching up to do, the good news is I found this poem that the others seem to have missed.

I had a problem while reading this, solely my fault of course, but I thought I’d let you know about it in case you decide on a re-write and find it useful. While reading your poem, I think the first stanza started it, I got a rhythm in my head that your poem moved away from, that’s why I said it was my fault, I should follow the rhythm you wrote, right? The thing is, every time I read your poem I get the same rhythm going and can’t get rid of it, what’s worse is I LIKE the little beggar! Like I said I thought I’d let you know in case it was useful, the best way I can do it is to use your first stanza, hope you don’t mind.

My heart I will show,
My heart you may know
As only a lover can see.

And what would you do?
And what could you say,
After diving, so deep into me.

I know the line sucks but you might get the rhythm from it. ( If you do and find you can’t get rid of it don’t blame me)!

Thanks for the chance to read and reply.

Craig

Yes, I admit your general rule. That every poet is a fool:
But I myself may serve to show it. That every fool is not a poet.

captaincargo
Member

since 1999-11-25

Posts 109
Corning, N.Y. U.S.A.

2 posted 2000-03-22 08:25 PM

Craig, thanks for the advice,I see what you mean by rhythm.

I don't really like this piece at all. It needs a "major" rewrite, so I've brought it back into the shop and I'm firing up the torch.

Thanks again for the reply.

Cap.

"A cup for memory!"
Cold cup that one must drain alone:
While autumn winds are up and moan
Across the barren sea.

Christina Georgina Rossetti

Cap. Carg.

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

3 posted 2000-03-23 09:48 AM

Hi Cap,

I'm with Craig here. I like it too but I also have a problem with the rhythm. As written, it just presents a rhythm that one cannot help but fall into (I like that). There are some small breaks which are not objectionable, or maybe even desirable. But the last line of the third stanza really breaks.

   "The taste of this day
   while your still in my thoughts,
   And "yes" I will manage my love.
   Though my heart is low-
   My heart is love,
   If only it would break and as it may."

Be wary in taking the torch to this one as only minor repair is necessary but do fix that one line.

Thanks for the read.

Pete

What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity --
sufficiently sublime in their simplicity --
for the mere enunciation of my theme?
Edgar Allan Poe

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