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Storm
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Storm |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Storm More dark clouds boil as lightning paints the sky In shrouds and spirits, wind cuts to the bone, The waves so tall that only God knows why I stand my watch, and face this storm, alone. I may not win -- perhaps may not survive -- But passioned, forge ahead on unreefed sail To reach some port of shelter still alive With hope. With Faith at hand how can I fail? In fairer days long past I had a mate To help endure the perils of this test; Our dream: we would together challenge fate, Prevail against these trials of Nature's best; But now, alone, confused, I wonder why I scorn this storm, that dream in peace to die. < !signature--> Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (edited 03-22-2000).] |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Pete: I really liked this one. "More dark clouds boil ..." (double spondee?) is a thunderous opening. Well done. I can't say much of anything about the structure. Everything appears to be intact (rhyme, meter, syllable count). You may want to think about losing the commas in the "I stand my watch ..." line. This caused me to pause a little bit and I think the line would be stronger without them. "I may not win -- perhaps may not survive --" read a little odd to me, particularly "perhaps may not survive". I don't know ... could just be me. Also, while I admittedly don't know much about nautical terminology, thought "unreefed sail" looked a little odd. I really liked your application of the storm at sea metaphor (a metaphor for the trials involved in an intimite relationship ... I'm thinking marriage). Gotta go now. Enjoyed this. Jim |
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haze Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528Bethlehem, PA USA |
Pete- Jim caught you up on all of the sticky parts and I agree-the power of this storm is well formed. I feel the lashing and feel the thunder. Fabulous piece wrought of turmoil. Kudos |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Pete, This is very, very good...I enjoyed reading it immensely. However, I see the storm as just life in general, with it's constant ups and downs...turmoil rising, followed by peace. The speaker seems to have lost his/her life partner, and feels lost and alone. He/she is relying on faith to see him/her through, and has a wish for it to be over, and for peace to reign supreme. The words and phrases you've chosen, and the manner in which you've linked them works so well to paint the picture of a lone sailor facing the sea in a boat, while a storm rages. I loved the line, "In shrouds and spirits, wind cuts to the bone". I see that as saying, in a deathly storm, or perhaps grief, the coldness, the isolation goes very deep. The entire poem is so well-written, Pete. You've done a great job here. Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Jim, As always, thank you for your input. I hoped to get by with the double spondee and thought it would help power up the opening (but "thunderous" wow, and I guess that was a metaphor too). Interesting you should mention it, just before posting, I took out those commas you question. But I thought I wanted a small pause before alone so put that one back. Then it looked like the other would be required grammatically so I put it back too. As I study more, I think you are right that it would be better without them. I think maybe the context makes one pause slightly before alone anyway. As for unreefed sail, I know that's not an everyday phrase but is proper in sailing terminology (a language almost entirely unrelated to English or any other known language). A sail is reduced in size by reefing when the wind becomes too much for the boat to handle with full sails. But I don't see a practical way to substitute full sail for unreefed without reducing the meaning or blasting the meter  And I must add that you are very perceptive, my friend. Haze, Your knack for wording critiques is almost as good as your poems. Thanks much. I'm glad you liked it. Kristine, I think you understood this poem better than I did. "I see the storm as just life in general . . . turmoil rising, followed by peace . . . lost his/her life partner, and feels lost and alone . . . relying on faith . . . peace to reign supreme." Geez, why didn't I say that. Depending on how flexible you are in saying "lost life partner", this interpretation fits as well as any. BTW, I'm overcome with pleasure knowing that you enjoyed my poem.  Jim had an excellent interpretation, I thought, and yours is more inclusive or broader. I wonder, is this more symbolic than metaphoric? Thanks again all. Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania |
Pete Superb writing Perfect rhyme and perfect meter Flows smoothly from beginning to end. A strong beginning and a strong end, a well developed theme. I don't know if you can tell, but I liked this LOTS. A stark portrayal of strife and loneliness and the fear of loneliness, the apathy in confronting life alone. Well done Liz |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
P~ I really liked this poem, seemed like a sonnet. I admit, the last line threw me but I'm a little thick. Am I missing something?In the last line you used the word "that". Are you referring back to the couple's dream? Or only the speaker's? In which case wouldn't that make it "and"? Brilliantly executed.I especially liked the smooth flow and unforced rhymes of this piece. best regards, bboog [This message has been edited by bboog (edited 03-22-2000).] |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Pete, You are so right, it is definitely more symbolic than metaphoric.  And that double spondee thingee..that sounds like a dance move. Has Patrick Swayze been here and I missed him? Read it again, and love it even more, Pete, Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Liz, Bboog and Kris (again), Thanks all for your kind compliments. I am really pleased that you liked it. Honestly, I was a little hesitant to post this one, not knowing how it might be interpreted or accepted. Now I certainly feel more much better about it. I hope to try some more symbolic sort of stuff as ideas occur. Bboog, the use of "that dream" in the last line does, of course, refer to the shared dream of line 11. But after reading your comment, I can see how it might be misinterpreted, although that interpretation would appear to be grammatically wrong. I don't know exactly how to fix it now or even if it really needs to be fixed but will give it some thought. Maybe more suggestions will follow. Thanks for pointing it out. Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
P~ The more I thought about the last line, the more confused I got. After rereading it several times, it seemed like the two speakers had hoped to die together peacefully? Or that drowning was not a peaceful death? I didn't know if that was really what you'd wanted to say. I was thinking about this today at work and the first thing that came to mind was "But now, alone, confused, I wonder why I scorn this storm, vow my dream not to die." This might not fit the right meter or syllable count or even what you want to say, but it does get rid of the troublesome "that". best regards, bboog |
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