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rach in c# minor (Revision #3)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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rach in c# minor (Revision #3) |
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Diana B Member
since 2000-03-10
Posts 97 |
clinging to a life thats lost its meaning in a world where you exist only as a shadow dancing to the music of a distant lover never touching but still believing in the images listening to the words of shallow dreamers writing paper fantasies and illusions never realized dying to the echoes of reality now revisited where existence never fills the corners of the soul [This message has been edited by Diana B (edited 03-19-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Diana B - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Diana B Member
since 2000-03-10
Posts 97 |
a Lesson of another kind replacing Love |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hi Diane, "clinging to a life thats lost its meaning in a world where you exist only as a shadow" Small grammatic error, "thats" might be "that's". Consider using something other than the "shadow" descripition. It's too vague and way too cliched. Perhaps consider elaborating on the themes presented in each stanza. For example...How was life before it lost meaning? "dancing to the music of a distant lover never touching but still believing in the images" I liked the meaning of the stanza though I can't help but feel that this came off cliched as well. Questions that you might want to consider answering in order to eliviate cliche'ing words is....What made this lover distant? What is the music of a distant lover like? What are the images you still believe in? "listening to the words of shallow dreamers writing paper fantasies and illusions never realized" "Shallow dreamers" is overdone as well. I liked the "writing paper fantasies and illusions" part and thought you should have expanded on that more. "dying to the echoes of reality now revisited where existence never fills the corners of the soul" Consider chopping out "now revistited". I thought "echoes of reality" kinda of sounded off. Echo usually portrays the past rather than the present. I thought your intention with that word was "hollow" but even then it didn't seem to fit because if your present life is empty there is nothing to be echoed. "fills the corner of the soul" is very cliched. I didn't understand the title in corelation to the poem. Was it supposed to be about the composer Rachmaninoff..."writing paper fantasies and illusions never realized"...or were you just listening to Prelude in C Sharp Minor while writing this? Personally my suggestions for this poem is for you to expand on it and add more of your life and personality to it, giving it more originality. The emotions for this seem there but I didn't think the words did it justice, just an opinion, thanks for the read and take care, Trevor |
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Diana B Member
since 2000-03-10
Posts 97 |
trevor thank you so much for your honest critique of my little piece of work. your comments seemed sincere and constructive...truly appreciated. first of all i hardly ever use punctuation except in contractions where the word could be misread i'll/ill... just my one of my personality quirks. the work was written in the middle of the night while i was comparing the performances of prelude in c sharp minor by rachmaninov himself, in his later years, with that by vladimir horowitz... with the horowitz of course offering the finer performance by far. i was deeply touched by the strong contrasts. i tried to put myself in rachmaninovs place...feel how he must have felt those later years of his life...still hearing the images in his head but not being able to physically perform or compose them as he once had...saddened me deeply. you are correct the images i used are trite and cliched...but the best i could come up with at that time to express the visions i was seeing "clinging to a life thats lost its meaning in a world where you exist only as a shadow" he was a shadow of his former greatness but still trying to perform even though failing his own standards "dancing to the music of a distant lover never touching but still believing in the images" still hearing the images (the music) in his head but not being able to transfer them to performance or composition "listening to the words of shallow dreamers writing paper fantasies and illusions never realized" refers of to the shallowness of some of his later works and performances in comparison to earlier ones and how these still were encouraged by supporters who refused to acknowledge his musical "diminution" if you will. "dying to the echoes of reality now revisited where existence never fills the corners of the soul" just my personal opinion that this great man must have revisited his past greatness in his later years and longed unsuccessfully to touch that creative genius and mystique again... so all in all trevor, this was an emotional response on my part...a sort of stream of consciousness flow of simple words to capture the feelings of the moment. will i rewrite it...perhaps. again, thank you for taking time to critique this simple little piece. [This message has been edited by Diana B (edited 03-17-2000).] |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
well,actually the images conjured up in my head were different....here goes for the 1st stanza,the poet has lost someone(exists as a shadow) very important in her life the 2nd stanza reinforces my belief(music of distant lover...BTW,i think that was great!  )listening to the words of shallow dreamers the advice of well-meaning friends/relatives perhaps but since they don't know the whole story,they advice come across as shallow writing paper fantasies and illusions never realised the thousands of notes/e-mail the poet sent to her lover but never got a response from the last stanza to me was that the poet was remembering all the good times they had shared together and was wallowing in sorrow am i dense or what? ") |
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Diana B Member
since 2000-03-10
Posts 97 |
you saw something different...thats so wonderful...not dense just have a different perspective...dont you love when that happens?...both points of view can be truth...for i have also been through what you stated in your comments...so was my heart or my head guiding this piece...who knows? the only thing that i put in to help you see the view i had in mind was the title...Trevor picked up on that with his question "Was it supposed to be about the composer Rachmaninoff..."writing paper fantasies and illusions never realized"...or were you just listening to Prelude in C Sharp Minor while writing this?" the answer is again of course both. so this piece works both ways depending on which ruled the head or the heart. thanks for showing me that. |
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Diana B Member
since 2000-03-10
Posts 97 |
Third revision rach of '43 The hands that overspanned an octave rebel in stiffness like the mind that saw a line now falters in transcription. the ear that heard melodies floating on the counterpoint leans to catch a single note played on keys shuddering under calloused roughness. symphonies that once soared now become illusions, paper fantasies, unrealized, dreamed the distance like crowds that roared his name Moscow to New York . the courage that carried him past cruelist hardships now trips on stumbling fingers, aching encores of remembrance. the memory of chords of rarist beauty becomes the pain that drifts sanitys edge in concertos of aging lonliness. hearing again in the music the roar of Sergey, Sergey, i raise my glass and reply, i too will remember. |
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INclan Senior Member
since 1999-07-20
Posts 1024Indiana, USA |
Diana, I don't think I can add to the technical reviews already posted. I would simply like to encourage you in your writing. I might have yet another perspective on the Prelude in C# minor. Having performed the work with my own hands, I found it very easy to follow you through the piece. I understood what you were feeling/expressing in verse through the texture of the music. Nicely done from that standpoint. Thank you for the read. INclan |
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