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Inspirations New Member
since 2000-03-13
Posts 5 |
The rose we see in life will be like that of a thorn in eternity In life... even the wisest man in all the land knows not of the great unknown Look beyond the sight of your eyes and see with the sight of your spirit Life is like the darkness as mortality is the dawn |
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| © Copyright 2000 Inspirations - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Joanna T. Lopez Junior Member
since 2000-02-02
Posts 33El Paso, Texas |
Hello Inspirations, First of all I would like to welcome you to CA. I think you will enjoy the diverse group who hang out here. I am fairly new myself so I will leave the first time analysis to our esteemed moderators. They are not as vicious as some make them out to be, so try not to worry and wipe the trickle of sweat off that you feel about to emerge. One again welcome! I think that you will find this elite group of writers very thoughtful and interesting. I like your piece and I did have the time to read both your entries. Reads to me like you may be reverting back to your younger years. Those questionable years about life in general that we all had at one time or another. Hope to see some more of your work, thanks for the read! Sincerely, Joanna T. [This message has been edited by Joanna T. Lopez (edited 03-13-2000).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hello Inspirations, I would also like to welcome you to Passions and the CA. I'm not much good with free verse so I won't have much to say. I found it interesting and likeable but there are a couple of things which caused me problems. Your first stanza is probably technically correct but it seems a little confusing mixing the present and future tenses here, or maybe it's just the use of like. IMHO it reads easier like this, "The rose we see in life will be a thorn instead in eternity" I really liked the third stanza. "Look beyond the sight of your eyes and see with the sight of your spirit but I'm afraid you will get some negative comments about it being cliched. Finally in the last stanza your phrases are not parallel. For example it might read as: Life is to the darkness as mortality to the dawn or something parallel like that. Thanks for the read and I hope to see more soon. BTW, I think I hear a moderator coming. Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Hello Inspirations I guess in a nutshell this poem is saying that what comes after "mortal" life is more desirable. Lines such as: "The rose we see in life will be like that of a thorn in eternity" convey the impression that what is desirable and beautiful now will pale beside the glories of the hereafter. Yes? Similarly, you say effectively that our perceived wisdom now is in fact nothing much. You also tell us to look beyond materiality and perceive with a spiritual vision. The last line confused me slightly. The use of the word "mortality" seemed out of place. I presume that you mean that "death" is the dawn. Normally the word mortality would be read as a noun, i.e. the quality or state of being mortal, i.e. being a human being. I know it is also used in the phrase "mortality rate" as in a number of dead people but even this doesn't seem to "fit". While I like the grand idea you are trying to put forward here I just feel that the poem reads rather like a series of dry admonitions ...... No 1 Things beautiful now will be dull hereafter No 2 Wise men don't know anything much No 3 Don't trust your eyes No 4 There's greater life after death I guess I feel that this message has been put forward so frequently already in poetry and writing that in order to make it fresh and new and interesting you really do need to find an innovative and thought provoking way to say it ... I am certainly not trying to be negative here and these are only suggestions  oh and btw I am not a moderator (lol) so feel free to ignore lil' ole me and wait for the 3 big guns to arrive ...  Also welcome to Passions Philip |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Inspirations: Welcome to Passions and welcome to CA. Philip has actually done a fine job in critiquing this poem and I have little more to add. The poem itself is written well enough but if you want the reader to remember what you have written two, three or more days after he/she has read it then I think Philip is right ... you need to concentrate more on packaging your thoughts in more innovative ways. Just my opinion. Again, welcome to CA. Jim [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 03-14-2000).] |
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Inspirations New Member
since 2000-03-13
Posts 5 |
Thank you all for your analysis and for making me feel welcome. These few stanzas were actually to be read as separate verses rather than one reading. Although they were generally upon the same topic; that being after life thoughts, I am looking forward to reading the many creations in this forum and submitting my thoughts to share with you all. Again, thank you for your hospitality! Inspirations. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hello, and welcome to CA, I am certainly not a moderator (don't think like one ), so don't worry about me, either.I liked the wording of the poems, although I agree with Pete about the last two lines. If, indeed, they were meant as separate pieces, then they would read more proverb-like. Still thought-provoking, either way. Nice to have you here... Kristine Let compassion breathe in and out of you filling you with poems. ~ Jane Cooper |
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