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A Bird
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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A Bird |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
A Bird by Kirk T Walker Flying to the right Seemed a bird of purest white, But as with the feathers tip, He changed the course of his trip, And upon this doubling back, Revealed feathers all in black. |
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| © Copyright 2000 Kirk T Walker - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Kirk, I really liked this one. A good visual as well as mental image which could be applied to multiple circumstances. I do have one problem with it: I want to read it with strong rhythm and two lines make me stumble a bit. "He changed the course of his trip," just has a missing or extra syllable. You might consider something like: He changed direction of his trip, and similarly, "Revealed feathers all in black." reads more smoothly wit another syllable, something like: Revealed his feathers all in black. Also, it looks like you feathers in the third should be possesive instead of plural or alternatively feathers might be singular and tip plural. Either way seems sensible and grammatically more proper than what is there now. The result then would be: Flying to the right Seemed a bird of purest white, But as with the feathers' tip, He changed direction of his trip, And upon this doubling back, Revealed his feathers all in black. Of course this is just MHO and you may see it entirely differently. Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Kirk: This is the second poem that I read today that was short yet made me stop and say, "Hmmmm" (my wife always teases when I do that, by the way) and the first poem was written by Blake ("The Clod and the Pebble"). I continued to think of the possible application for a good time after reading this. I think Pete's suggestions/corrections are good ones, btw. You did a good job on this. Jim |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Kirk, I thought this was great, but agree with Pete's revisions. The imagery was very nice indeed! Kris A Marrowless Assembly, Is culpabler than shame ~ Emily Dickinson |
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Tony Di Bart Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 160Toronto, Canada |
Kirk I think that this is a very good poem. I am in agreement with everyone as far the imagery is concerned. Also, as they have stated it reads well. I really like the message in the poem as well . Thanks for posting |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Pete: Thank you very much, I did revise after reading your comments and it now reads as you suggested except "feather's" instead of "feathers'" (which I am still debating on changing). Jim: You may have inadvertantly made my day by comparing my poem (in even the slightest way) to one by Blake. He is one of my favorite poets. Thank you all for your comments. |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Jim mentioned "The Clod and the Pebble" and I thought I would post it just because: The Clod and the Pebble by William Blake Love seeketh not itself to please, Nor for itself hath any care, But for another gives its ease, And builds a heaven in hell's despair." So sung a little clod of clay, Trodden with the cattle's feet; But a pebble of the brook Warbled out these meters meet: "Love seeketh only Self to please, To bind another to its delight, Joys in another's loss of ease, And builds a hell in heaven's despite." |
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