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Mom
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Mom |
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Mystykyl Junior Member
since 2000-02-28
Posts 32 |
You are always there You are the one that cares Although our fathers left us You didn't scream and cuss You have the shoulder Even as we get older We might not be the richest But remember whose hearts are the biggest Together we make a family And you're always there for Brandon and me We might have hard times We might have bad times We may fight and we may argue But always remember, we love you Together we can make it through it all And together we can proudly stand tall We never go hungry and starve And we may wish upon the stars But as long as we stand together We will always be a family forever |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello and welcome to Critical Analysis. Our goal here is to promote growth and understanding of poetry and each other's writing through discussion. The comments made on poetry here are not reflective of the poet but of their poem. Any negative thing said is not a personal attack but rather a critique on the poem presented. A good way to learn and grow as a poet is to investigate the writing of others as well and we try to encourage not only posting and responding to critiques directed at your poem but also spending time reading and critiquing other people's poetry. Well with that all said I'll get on with my opinions of your poem. Now I know this is an emotional piece expressing your love and gratitude for your mother, and I can appreciate this poem for that reason (I too love my mom and wish I could write a poem to express that), however, I found it too light and simple in both wording and ryhming for it to really grab me as a reader. Consider flairing it up a bit with a few more flattering words. "You are always there You are the one that cares" You, cheeks rosed in smiles, were always there as if your purpose born was to give us care" "Although our fathers left us You didn't scream and cuss You have the shoulder Even as we get older" Although our fathers fled you still had enough shoulder to comfort our weak brow and head even as we got older. Now my version isn't good (I struggle with ryhme) but I just wanted to give an example of adding more to the poem. It's nice you want to write something for your mother, and I'm sure she'll appreciate it and love it but as an honest critique the poem lacks the "pop" to give the reader a real sense of who your mother is and why you care for her. But thanks for sharing it and I hope to read some more of your work in the future, take care, Trevor |
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