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Sonnet of Romantic Love
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Sonnet of Romantic Love |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563
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In dreams, the ghosts of love do come to life, And lead me into whimsicality, The morning light slits through them, as a knife So sharp, it cuts down to reality. It leaves me pondering of life and love, Just what it is that differentiates, Romantic love from common feelings of, The love one holds for the long wedded mate. Some surely must exaggerate the bliss, In talk of "at first sight", of being so In love that pyrotechnics light each kiss, And thoughts of the beloved overflow. If there is truly a love so sublime, I hope it finds me within my lifetime. Kristine All that we see or seem - Is but a dream within a dream ~ Edgar Allan Poe [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 02-29-2000).] |
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RufffRyder Member
since 2000-02-25
Posts 143<------Over There------> |
Kristine, First I would like to say that I enjoyed this read very much.Well except for the fact that it`s a little sad. There seem`s to be alot of that going around. It kinda flow`s with what I was trying to say in mine. Now WHY don`t you post in the open forum #6 where more people can see your work? I think you have a great talent for writing and it should be seen by all. It doesn`t seem to me like alot of people post here in CA. But then again I wouldn`t know cause I`ve not spent much time here. Im sure a young lady as kind as you will have no problem finding "Mr.wright". Good luck Nice read Thank you Kristine  |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Grasshoppa: The teacher is well pleased with the progress of his student. Technically I only have a few comments regarding your meter: "so SHARP / it CUTS / DOWN to / re-AL / i-TY" I read "down to" as trochaic (although I can see how one could read it as iambic). The substitution of a trochaic foot is pretty standard in formal poetry but usually at the beginnings of lines or after pauses in mid-line. Of course, if you read "down to" as iambic then there is no problem here. "the LOVE / one HOLDS / for the / LONG WED- / -ded MATE" Your third and fourth feet are actually common substitutions in iambic verse. I think, together, they are called a double-iambus. Brad, correct me here if I am wrong. "if THERE / is TRU- / -ly a LOVE / so sub-LIME i HOPE / it FINDS / me with-/ -IN my / LIFE-time" You've made me curious with your couplet, Kris. Did you intend to write it this way or were you wrestling with the meter and decide to give up? I see two anapests in line thirteen and a pyrric and two trochaic feet in Line 14. I can handle the anapests (the sound of that line is not, IMHO, affected negatively by the substitution) but why the variations in Line 14? The content, of course, is very good. I don't think I've read much of your poetry that didn't exhibit more depth of feeling than the average poem. "In dreams, the ghosts of love do come to life, And lead me into whimsicality," I like the idea of the first line but you use up four of your ten syllables with common words ("the", "of", "do", "to"). I would suggest something like: "In dreams love's ghost arise; they come to life / and lead me into whimsicality ..." "The morning light slits through them, as a knife So sharp, it cuts down to reality." I was a little confused by your comma placement here. Is a comma necessary after "them"? "It leaves me pondering of life and love, Just what it is that differentiates, Romantic love from common feelings of, The love one holds for the long wedded mate." I don't think the comma is necessary after "differentiates" or "of". Line 8 sets up the thematic turn nicely. "Some surely must exaggerate the bliss, In talk of 'at first sight', of being so In love that pyrotechnics light each kiss, And thoughts of the beloved overflow. If there is truly a love so sublime, I hope it finds me within my lifetime." RufffRider is right that this is a somewhat sad poem. I think the sonnet format compliments the subject well (clothing "fairy-tale love" in a classic format). You really have gotten quite good at writing these things. Your flow from line to line has improved a great deal. I'd still like to see a little bit of enjambment from time to time but that's just me. There haven't been many of these posted lately but you all know my love of sonnets. Thanks for writing and posting this. Jim P.S. I don't mind if you post in Open Forum, Kris, just don't leave CA (RufffRider, we don't want to give up one of our best poets). Later. |
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RufffRyder Member
since 2000-02-25
Posts 143<------Over There------> |
No,No,No. I didn`t mean it to come across like that. I meant that she should post in OP#6 as well. It is cool to do that isn`t it? If not,oooppss. I post there to see the replies and here so that I can learn. So dangit Jim, help me kiddin Take care you two |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Rufff: I don't have a problem with you posting in both places. Seems we have a spirited young man here, wouldn't you say Kris?  I'll try to look at your other poem a little later, Rufff. Jim |
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RufffRyder Member
since 2000-02-25
Posts 143<------Over There------> |
Right On!! Thank`s Jim And Kristine,feel free to give me a pointer or two or three.....any time,please I welcome all the help I can get |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Kris, As usual, your words and the emotions they impart are outstanding. Whether writing free verse or sonnets you always seem to produce great stuff. And I thought you said you couldn't write sonnets. I do, however, have a couple of problems with your meter. Jim quite expertly pointed out the potential problems and excused most of them. Personally, I like a little variation in a sonnet, so most of your liberties are fine with me. I do stumble on the 8th line, "The love one holds for the long wedded mate." No matter how hard I try, I can't help but read it as iambic: The LOVE | one HOLDS | for THE | long WED | -ded MATE. which just doesn't work. I don't want to stress "the" but my rhythm falls apart if I don't. Maybe that's just me. I agree with Jim on the couplet. I think you can improve that by some rewording or rearranging. For example: And if there truly is such love sublime, I hope it finds me while I still have time. I know your ability with words will allow you to improve on my humble suggestion while still making the rhythm work. BTW, Jim made another interesting point about using up too many syllables on common words in the first line. I have not heard that said that way before but I do find that it is easy to just fill in a line with little words or excess adjectives to make the meter come out when rethinking the wording, somewhat like he suggested, nearly always makes a stronger line. Thanks. I really loved it as always. < !signature--> Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (edited 02-29-2000).] |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Thank you all for your suggestions and comments. (Thanks, Jim, you really do give excellent critiques.) I wrote this very quickly, and should learn to let them sit a day or two, reread, edit, and then post. I must admit that Ruff Rider's piece was the inspiration for this , as it got me thinking about "life and love". For the first time in ages, I actually felt lonely (and I never do!). Sentimentality...whatya gonna do? Guess it hits us all once in a while.Thanks again guys; I'll work on this, and, hopefully post a bigger, better version. Kris All that we see or seem - Is but a dream within a dream ~ Edgar Allan Poe |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Uhh, well, multiple posts are generally frowned upon and I don't want Kristene to leave here either. Glad Jim went after the technical stuff but I want to talk about this useless thing called sublime love. Love happens but once it does it's hard work to keep it going and I'm just not a big fan of poems alluding to some idea that can only be seen from the outside, you only hear about it in fairy tails -- even as a kid, I always wondered what happened after the 'happily ever after' part. I'm not trying to be a cynic but I think the realities of everyday life, and enjoying them with a partner, are far more fulfilling than anything you can call 'sublime'. The ogre, Brad PS That said, I do use all those words with my wife. She would probably get very angry if she read this. |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Well, I don't know much about the technical side of poety, I'm afraid (I just go by what sounds good to me). However, I will offer what insight I have: -I liked the poem overall, and especially the imagery of the light cutting through the dreams to reality. Very nice! -Whimsicality is a nice word and makes for a nice ryhme(is that yours or is it a real word? Either way, I like it.) -want to point out the "emphatic 'do'" in the first line. You usually only use this for emphasis, as in as a defense or in response to a question. I'm not sure if you need it or not, but I wanted to let you know it was there. -"common" as referring to the love of longtime marriages seems sort of negative, I understand it to mean familiar but as well it carries the connotation of something coarse and by contrasting it to "romantic" love it seems to imply that it is unromantic and unexciting, which is not always the case. -the last line seems sort of passive, the speaker isn't trying to find the love "I hope it finds me" -"...within my lifetime" seems sort of unecessary, it made me think of someone falling in love with a corpse These are all just suggestions and my own personal opinions and observations(as always). |
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Leslie New Member
since 2000-01-07
Posts 8 |
Hi Kristine, There's not much left to say that hasn't already been said. Just wanted you to know I enjoyed this. The sonnet is a difficult form and I think you did a good job. Esp. liked the imagery of the dream ghosts of love being sliced by the light of reality. Who can't identify with that! You've really got me thinking. Familiarity can be a real ether. It's so hard to keep that edge of mystery in a long-term relationship, takes constant effort and growth. Maybe there's a poem in that thought! Best, Leslie Kadoom. Kadoom. Ka- dooom. Kadoom. Now I have beaten a song back into you, rise & walk away like a panther. 'Ode to the Drum' by Usef Komunyakaa |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Brad, Haven't seen ya around much. Nice to see ya back. Thanks for saying you wanted me to stay here. I'm surprised, to say the least, Ogre and all. Now about this love thing...ya know how there's chick flicks, and then there's the movies guys like? Well, love poems are kinda the same thing. And that's all this was, just a poem...not a statement.And I am sure your wife would be very upset with your view!!! Kirk, Thank you for reading and for your comments, and, yes, whimsicality is a word. I will take all of your thoughtful comments into consideration if, and when, I ever rewrite this. Thanks again. Leslie, Thank you also for reading and commenting. Not too long ago, I had not a clue as to writing a sonnet, till someone here so graciously taught me. I think I've only written one good one though (slow learner). There are excellent poets on this forum that you can learn much from ... avail yourself of their abilities and their advice. P.S. People grow, yes, and sometimes they also grow in different directions, or one grows and the other doesn't. Thank you all for your assist and your opinions...always sincerely appreciated. Kristine A Marrowless Assembly, Is culpabler than shame ~ Emily Dickinson |
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