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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Listen |
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KathieO Junior Member
since 2000-02-28
Posts 14Canada |
LISTEN – Kathie O'Hare Today I shall listen, as you talk Even if no words seep from your lips, I shall feel the emptiness and silence of your tongue As it painfully searches for the right words at the right time. I shall feel your breath as you release several heavy sighs, Your throat tight with anticipation, your head swirling with confusion Every muscle in your neck feels like you are being choked Your mind begins screaming, turn it off, stop….stop….stop. I shall see the frantic dance within your mind Fast, slow, forward, back, start, stop, come, go, yes, no You try desperately to alleviate the internal pressure now building By providing, a familiar comfortable response…. “I don’t know”. I shall watch you as you squeeze your eyes shut Intent on making things clear, or better yet making them stop I hear all the scattered questions, the anxieties, the hopes, Yet, it is the shrilling scream of fear that pierces my heart. I know you have the courage to grant your heart to speak For I have felt the power, sensitivity and comfort of your tongue Yet you continue the heart and mind battle with right and wrong Guarding your perception of security, through overt silence. Inside the war continues, yet outside you wear a smile Protecting the damage and pains of yesterday – yet projecting them into today Transition is a phase my friend, a courageous step towards volition We were not given eyes in the back of our heads for a reason. Thus, the test of patience, shall be my challenge for today To not just listen, but to hear beyond the silence I shall seek a better understanding, of my endurance and limits And be hear to listen……..just listen. |
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patchoulipumpkin Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 196Bermuda |
welcome to passions. I really enjoyed this piece, and i'm sure will receive poetry vs. prose arguments to satisfy any government debate. The theme is very close to home, struggling to be who you are even though, in doing so, you risk not being the center of attention all the time. I don't know if this was your background in writing this, but its what i interpreted. Oops maybe i revealed my foibles...ahh well.. There isn't really much i can say except that i enjoyed the descriptive line of how the character's mind works "forward, back, stop, start, yes, no". Ahh, it speaks to me so much, its amazing. The only thing that seemed a bit contradictory was your ending, "To not just listen but to hear beyond the silence/I shall seek a better understanding of my endurance and my limits/And be hear to listen..just listen" firstly, is "hear" meant to be "here", or is that a play on words, if so it might change my critique. The main thing is that you say to not just listen, to hear beyond the silence, and then you end it by saying, I will listen. Something like "And learn to hear as well as I listen", or "And hear how you listen" or "And sensitize to silence" might get around the listening. I don't know if its any good, or if i'm on target in saying that "listen" is problematic, but those are my three cents ,and look forward to your thoughts. I really enjoyed this poem, thanks for showing up to the party. Marc quote: |
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KathieO Junior Member
since 2000-02-28
Posts 14Canada |
Thanks so much for the feedback patch! Your interpration is interesting. The "hear" on the last line is a typo...thanks for pointing that out. It always amazes me the many voices that words can have...and how we each find different meaning in them. Thanks again......I think I'll enjoy this site very much....and look forward to much inspiration and learning. Kathie |
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Ted Reynolds Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331 |
First, I certainly call this poetry, and excellently crafted poetry too. I think, myself, the poem is the first four stanzas. Then it begins to try to explain, to lay out meanings and messages, and does become a little prosaic. I think the breath and sinew are in the first verses. Perhaps you're also trying for some neat ending, while I would say the end of stanza four, although, or because it leaves the experience unclosed, is the best ending. I liked this very much, but I tend to get turned on by the cerebral. You may get differing viewpoints. |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello and welcome to Critical Analysis. "Today I shall listen, as you talk Even if no words seep from your lips, I shall feel the emptiness and silence of your tongue As it painfully searches for the right words at the right time." I really like the opening stanza, grabbed my attention with the first line. I wonder if there is a more suitable word than "emptiness" for a silenced tongue.. perhaps omit "and" to combine "silence" with another description that perhaps also ties in with "painfully", ie. "I shall feel the stapled silence of your tongue/As it painfully searches....". Last line is really good as well. "I shall feel your breath as you release several heavy sighs, Your throat tight with anticipation, your head swirling with confusion Every muscle in your neck feels like you are being choked Your mind begins screaming, turn it off, stop….stop….stop." I had trouble with the tenses here.. Consider rewording to clarify tenses, ie. "I shall feel your breath as you release several heavy sighs, Your throat tight with anticipation, your head swirling with confusion Every muscle in your neck being choked Your mind screaming, turn it off, stop….stop….stop" Also consider deleting the "..." after " each "stop", because personally I didn't find "..." helped portray stop.stop.stop. "I shall see the frantic dance within your mind Fast, slow, forward, back, start, stop, come, go, yes, no You try desperately to alleviate the internal pressure now building By providing, a familiar comfortable response…. “I don’t know”." Again I found the tense confusing because of the word "now", consider chopping it out. "Frantic dance", seemed a little out of place for me, also kind of sat a little on the cliched side. Loved the rythm and flow and feeling of the second line. Also thought the last line was excellent except for the "..." (I have a personal war against the "..."s used in poetry...just a pet peeve  )"I shall watch you as you squeeze your eyes shut Intent on making things clear, or better yet making them stop I hear all the scattered questions, the anxieties, the hopes, Yet, it is the shrilling scream of fear that pierces my heart." I thought this stanza could have been shortened up a bit by chopping out some. Also I found the tenses muddled again in the second last and last line. Please don't be offended by what I'm about to do, a rewrite of this stanza, it is in NO way supposed to do anything other than help illustrate my examples and maybe inspire change if you, the author, feels it needs change. "I shall watch as you squeeze your eyes shut Intent on clearing things or better yet making them stop. Hearing the scattered questions, the anxieties, the hopes, Yet, it is the shrilling scream of fear piercing my heart." Just a suggestion for you to do with as you feel best. "I know you have the courage to grant your heart to speak For I have felt the power, sensitivity and comfort of your tongue Yet you continue the heart and mind battle with right and wrong Guarding your perception of security, through overt silence." After reading the first line I thought to myself..."Ugggg, it's gonna turn hokey" but I thought it really fit and rolled in nicely with the second line. The third line I found a little clunky, not with the meaning but the wording seemed a little forced and lacked the power of the first two lines. The last line was pretty good as well. "Inside the war continues, yet outside you wear a smile Protecting the damage and pains of yesterday – yet projecting them into today Transition is a phase my friend, a courageous step towards volition We were not given eyes in the back of our heads for a reason." I didn't really enjoy the "war" metaphor in this piece. Consider chopping out "yet" on the second line. I didn't think the last line fit with the rest of the poem. "Thus, the test of patience, shall be my challenge for today To not just listen, but to hear beyond the silence I shall seek a better understanding, of my endurance and limits And be hear to listen……..just listen." I found the punctuation in the last stanza really distracting and unsettled the flow of it (intentional?). Also my vandetta against those evil "..."s continues . I thought the ending was good and wrapped up the theme of the poem nicely. All in all I enjoyed the poem and I thank you for sharing it and I hope you will let us all read some more of your work in the future. I hope you enjoy your time at Critical Analysis. Take care,Trevor |
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KathieO Junior Member
since 2000-02-28
Posts 14Canada |
Trevor......(Oops LOL) Thanks so much for your feedback, and taking the time to read beyond the words. This is my first submission and I have learned much already. I tend to write the way I speak, and unfortunatley (in your case) I tend to use the ......'s as a form breathing, or rest. Your comments on the "tense", this was done purposely. I was trying to portray an individual that was going through inner conflict on a major decision they had to make. People tend to reflect on their past expereinces to guide them through present situations (jumping back and forth). Thus, the "Eyes in the back of your head" line, meaning ONLY looking to the past for answers. I thank you for your valued feedback. As this is my first submission, and I have no back ground in writing what so ever. By the way, I see you are a fellow Canadian Thanks, once again. Kathie |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Kathie: I didn't realize at first that you were Canadian or I would have informed you before that we have already met our Canadian quota and are no longer accepting any new Canadian members to this forum (Trevor is all we can handle, you understand).  Just kidding of course (about everything accept that Trevor is all we can handle), so welcome to CA. I trust the experience hasn't struck fear in your heart (yet ... I see you haven't met the Ogre who makes this place his lair). Patch probably had me in mind when he suggested that this may start the poetry/prose debate going but you won't get that from me today. I don't think you actually paid close attention to the accents of your syllables but I think you did write this "by ear", going for a good sound. This gives your poem a lyrical quality, especially at the beginning, and is part of the reason why I would not call this prose. To be honest with you, I thought this was very well worded and really enjoyed this poem but I found myself distracted again and again by your misuse of commas. Typically you should use commas (1) in a series of three or more terms with one conjuction, (2) to enclose parenthetical expressions, and (3) before a conjuction introducing and independent clause (is anyone sleeping yet?). "Today I shall listen, as you talk Even if no words seep from your lips," This is one example. After "listen" the comma is not necessary. Not related to commas, by the way, you may want to consider "speak" instead of "talk". I think "speak" conveys more of an idea that the speaker is trying to communicate thoughts with words than "talk" does. "I shall feel your breath as you release several heavy sighs, Your throat tight with anticipation, your head swirling with confusion Every muscle in your neck feels like you are being choked Your mind begins screaming, turn it off, stop….stop….stop." Your commas are fine here, I think (although you may want to consider adding one after "confusion" and "choked". Since you are describing a series of experiences, you may want to go for the consistency of "throat tightening", "head swirling", "muscle [in your neck] feeling", and "mind ... screaming". Just my opinion. I agree with Trevour that the "..." (elipses) are distracting. If you want a pause I would suggest going with dashes or periods. "By providing, a familiar comfortable response…. 'I don’t know'." The comma after "providing" is not necessary and again the elipses. By this time I'm beginning to wonder what in the world this poor soul is agonizing over. You've really captured my attention by now. "I shall watch you as you squeeze your eyes shut Intent on making things clear, or better yet making them stop I hear all the scattered questions, the anxieties, the hopes, Yet, it is the shrilling scream of fear that pierces my heart." I would take out the comma after "Yet". Maybe "shrill" instead of "shrilling". Maybe you were thinking of "chilling"? But "shrill" as an adjective for "scream", I think, is the right choice. Maybe you would consider doing something creative with "fear that pierces the heart". It is a little bit cliche'd to me. You've built strong images thus far and I'd like to see this line be just as strong. "I know you have the courage to grant your heart to speak For I have felt the power, sensitivity and comfort of your tongue" I really liked these lines even though you use the phrase "heart to speak" (it usually gives me the willies but it works for me here). I like the different possibilities that arise from "felt the power, sensitivity, ... comfort of your tongue." A little bit of a tease, don't ya think? "Yet you continue the heart and mind battle with right and wrong Guarding your perception of security, through overt silence." I like these lines two but for some reason I wanted to parallel "heart and mind" with "right and wrong" (heart/right and mind/wrong) but I don't think this is what you were going for. Maybe "... continue the heart-mind [or 'heart/mind'] battle with right and wrong ..." Just a suggestion. "Inside the war continues, yet outside you wear a smile Protecting the damage and pains of yesterday – yet projecting them into today Transition is a phase my friend, a courageous step towards volition We were not given eyes in the back of our heads for a reason." You use "yet" twice here and I think you could get rid of the second one. These lines are very well worded except (to me) "my friend" seemed a little bit cold, especially considering the narrator's patience with his/her anxious friend. "Thus, the test of patience, shall be my challenge for today" The comma after patience should go. Otherwise the line is fine. "To not just listen, but to hear beyond the silence" I would go for the more correct "To not only listen but also hear beyond the silence". Your wording is solid but the grammar has a few rough edges. "I shall seek a better understanding, of my endurance and limits And be hear to listen……..just listen." Again, the comma after "understanding" is not necessary. Overall this was very well worded and interesting but you left me hanging. Why tease me so? I want to know what the poor guy (?) is fretting over. I can guess but what's the fun in that? Actually, the guessing game is a fine one to play. You give the reader plenty of hints that this is about a relationship *Jim hopes this is about a relationship*. This was a nice premier of your work and I look forward to reading what else you produce.Jim (sometimes called the whiffling Jabberwocky -- but only by pedantic Englishman ... stick around and you'll figure it out) [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 03-01-2000).] |
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KathieO Junior Member
since 2000-02-28
Posts 14Canada |
Thanks Jim nice to met you ( I think)! The guessing game thing makes me smile, because I find it interesting to see what or who people percieve this to be about. I'm anal about the commas because I have the words worst grammer (you noticed). And for the spelling fanatics, I'll probably be like a bad case of hemorrhoids to you LOL. Funny your mentioned my need for the words to sound good to the ear, I am also a musician although this was not written with music in mind. Interesting maybe a subconscious thing. Yes teasing with words often entices and maintians the reader. I almost took that line out LOL. BTW Jim YES this is about a relationship, the dangerous and sacrifices of a triad Thanks Kathie [This message has been edited by KathieO (edited 03-01-2000).] |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
The best $6.95 you'll ever spend is on an 85 page book on grammar, punctuation, and common mistakes called "The Elements of Style" by William Strunk, Jr. and E. B. White (yes, the "Charlotte's Web" E.B. White). You can get it right off the bookshelf of most book stores and you will not regret buying it. Thanks for letting me off the hook with the relationship thing *whew* but now you have me wondering what you mean by "triad". Another tease? You're a mean one. Later. Jim P.S. Nice to meet you too (I think). |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello again, Jim, what have I told you before. Me and the Prime Minister are good drinking buds so don't tick me off too much or we'll declare war....I've already fueled up Canada's Cesna fighter plane and mobilized our country's amoured Dodge Caravan so behave or we'll have to stomp you and burn down your capital again...okay so it was the Brits who did that but they came from the North and that's close enough!...p.s. if that ain't enough then we'll make Shania come home. Kathie, don't listen to Jim....they say they can handle me but the truth be known...they ain't even close to leashing this puppy |
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Wendy Flora Member
since 2000-01-11
Posts 182Virginia |
I enjoyed this a lot. I, too, understand the difference between hearing and listening, looking and seeing, touching and feeling. You've chosen one sense that people take for granted and depicted it so perfectly in words... I thought the poem long, but somehow appropriate. (Who am *I* to talk about long poems?...) I enjoyed it a lot. Very very good job, and please stick around a while. I look forward to more of your work. -wen "I am everything you want I am everything you need. I am everything inside of you That you wish you could be I say all the right things At exactly the right time But I mean nothing to you And I don't know why." -"Everything You Want" Vertical Horizon |
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