Poem: Dances with Stars - pipTalk Forums

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sweetsmile
New Member

since 2000-02-26

Posts 5

0 posted 2000-02-26 04:31 AM

Hi ! I used to write passionately and got regularly published when I was a student. But I found myself not writing for many years. I wrote poems since I was 13. Now I'm 28. I found myself writing poems agian. COuld anybody give me any opinions? good or bad is well appreciated. Thanks!

Dances with Stars

Once upon the sky
Ablaze with stars it gazed upon
My loveliness my smile
And once upon the stars I slept
and dreamed and played and danced
The moment of time stepped in
Rality took its royal chair
I fell and down upon the dust
of dirt and mire and muck
I wept I swam I lived.
Like green the grass when dew does shine
and lift up my soul does I
I see the beauty of the lilies
I learn to breath earth's saving air
And live upon it, I see the flowers and
the bumblebees, the footsteps on the muddy ground
I live and raise my eyes up and look around
I see the trees, its upper arms embracing the silver
I am
gazing on stars once more...
not to go its distance and dwell there
not to climb the highest peak and reach out to its glitter
but to sit admiringly in a distance,
remembering the dances I once danced with its shine...
but stars are not meant to hold one such as me
I am my destiny fulfilled, as
I set my foot and roots safely on the earth
that loved me and graced me
with the beauty and the fragrance of the flowers in my midst.

Kirk T Walker
Member

since 2000-01-13

Posts 357
Liberty, MO

1 posted 2000-02-26 12:44 PM

I thought the syntax was very unique, it sounded beautful read aloud.
My suggestions: breathe is spelled wrong

The rythym seems a little off in the line ending with "around", the line is too long or something.

I might work on the poem after the line "I am", from their after the rythym changes.

I advise you to read the poem aloud when revising.

Note: To all people who read this poem in CA, try reading this aloud, I think you'll find the irregularity of the syntax fresh and quite aestetically pleasing to the ears.

sweetsmile
New Member

since 2000-02-26

Posts 5

2 posted 2000-02-27 05:05 AM

Kirk, thanks for your suggestions! I'll work on it as you suggested and I'll let you see what I've done again. This is a great forum! --- sweetsmile

patchoulipumpkin
Member

since 2000-01-01

Posts 196
Bermuda

3 posted 2000-02-28 06:01 PM

I agree with Kirk this poem sounds great aloud. I really enjoyed it because the poem was a process and not an end line. I like poetry that is working itself out on the page, instead of already possessing itself. I don't understand what Rality means, i assume you meant Reality but i'm not sure. Also breathe is mispelled as breath. otherwise a wonderful burst of energy and vigor. thanks.

Ted Reynolds
Member

since 1999-12-15

Posts 331

4 posted 2000-02-29 04:15 PM

I adore the lilt of

"Once upon the sky
                Ablaze with stars it gazed upon
                My loveliness my smile
                And once upon the stars I slept
                and dreamed and played and danced"

So I won't make a big deal that it doesn't quite keep to that wonderful height all the way through.

Another wonderful line (if I can suggest a change in one word) is "Like green the grass when dew does shine
                and lift up my soul do(es) I."

A poem like this can to a large extent ignore traditional grammar.  Welcome to this forum.

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