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Aisle for the Dead
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Aisle for the Dead |
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Joanna T. Lopez Junior Member
since 2000-02-02
Posts 33El Paso, Texas |
Remembering vaguely, watching.. Starring..as he stood over me. Do you have any requests Before your journey begins? Intrigued, stunned, disbelief At the sight of him! Twenty one years, Never absorbing the thought of him Revealing his mortal self. At my request, quarter notes Were played on his saxophone. Hearing this, seeing him, the pieces, The puzzle, nothing seemed to fit. Family standing around my mortal Life, tears decending from their ducts. I spoke at them...what? I don't under.....? Were my words silent to them? Turning towards him, in amazement, Satisfied and content with Quarter notes that were Being played for me. I understand now, I am ready. He took my hand, Saxophone strapped over his shoulder, As we proceeded up the aisle for the dead. [This message has been edited by Joanna T. Lopez (edited 02-25-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Joanna T. Lopez - All Rights Reserved | |||
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patchoulipumpkin Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 196Bermuda |
This is a really interesting poem. i had to read a couple of times to really understand it, that you were talking about Death incarnate at your side. My suggestion is that you might want to make "him" more clear, so the reader understands exactly what you are talking about. Also, in the second stanza you say, "intrigued, stunned, disbelief" The disbelief doesn't really work because its not a descriptive word. Maybe if you said, disbelieving in its place it might work. Also its a minor adjustment, but I think the poem would work if you broke it up a little bit. As it is now, it can stand as prose, and can be written that way, but changing the words a little might give it a poetic edge that is lost in the prose version. Here's an idea Remembering vaguely Watching.. Starring... As he stood over me Do you have any requests? He asked me ME! Intrigued Stunned Overwhelmed I could see him! Twenty one years Never absorbing Never realizing He had a mortal self He played quarter notes On a saxophone At my request Hearing this Seeing him The pieces The puzzle It made sense somewhere But not here Not now My family stands Around my mortal life Tears falling from their ducts I speak at them... What? I don't under... Can they not hear me? Turning towards him Amazed With the quarter notes Being played for me It makes sense now I'm ready He takes my hand Saxophone strapped over his shoulder And we walk up The aisle for the dead Sorry I took the liberty to add and change it a bit, but i think it gives it a different feel. Anyway, enjoyed the poem. |
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