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Dad
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Dad |
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Hardrock Senior Member
since 2000-02-14
Posts 948New Hampshire, USA 
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DAD Go ahead and hit me Dad, Cause I won’t feel the pain. I don’t feel your hits no more, Than flowers feel the rain. Beat me up real good this time, And you’ll feel better, Dad. I probably deserve it, Cause I know that I’ve been bad. I probably didn’t speak loud enough, Or maybe walked too slow. I’m not sure just what I did, But it’s not for me to know. I may have done some evil thing, Or some other thing I shouldn’t. I should have washed your car today, But I’m so small I couldn’t. So go ahead and hit me hard, Then hit me ten times more. Slam my head against the wall, Then knock me to the floor. Break my arm like you did last year, Leave me cut and bleeding. Whip me up real bad this time, You know what I’m needing. I don’t know how to be real good, To be the perfect son. I know you didn’t want me, I’m just "another one". I know I messed your life up, By my just being born. But I think somehow you love me, Tho inside you’re torn. I understand the way you feel, I really do, it’s true. You’ve told me how your life might be, "If it hadn’t been for you". So it’s OK if I’m abused, It’s how YOU feel that matters. I don’t mind the hand me downs, And wearing rags and tatters. You need your space, I understand, So in my box I’ll go. It’s safe and warm inside of here, My face I won’t show. I’ll be real quiet, while you drink, The booze that brings you sleep. Then I’ll clean up the house again, But you won’t hear a peep. On tippytoe, I’ll move around, And iron your pants for you. I’ll press your shirts, and fold your socks, And clean the bathroom too. The big iron that you bought is nice, Tho my hands are small. But I’m growing every day you see, I’m nearly four feet tall. Sometimes I wish I had a dog, To spend some time with me. But I know we can’t afford it, Since you bought that big TV. But I don’t turn it on, not once, When I am here alone. I know it’s yours, that it’s not mine, There’s nothing that I own. Thank you for the food you gave, I really like the beans. And thank you for the Keds you found, They match my ragged jeans. I’m thankful that I have you Dad, I hope that you won’t sell me. And I know you love me, in your own way, Tho you never tell me. So go ahead and hit me Dad, The docs will fix and pill me. And if it brings the peace you seek, Just go ahead and kill me. |
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| © Copyright 2000 Marv Hardin - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Good sense of voice. I like the idea, but sometimes this type of poem can be tricky. You don't want to use sentimentality. Here are my suggestions: "I don't feel your fists no more" fists instead of hits, or even blows or whatever, I just don't think hits sounds right the line "I'm so small i couldn't" makes my senitimentality alarms go off--in a poem like this don't use small. Ryhme can make things seem funny when they aren't meant to be--look at stanza 5. With the simple language and voice of this poem, be careful not to make it sound too light. 6th stanza last rhyme feels forced "needing" "wearing rags and tatters" gives me images of Charles Dickens' or something poor and European I'd drop the stanza about the box or revise it If you were to small to wash the car, how could you iron and do the other housework? There is also something inherintly funny about beans--I change that Don't get me wrong about the short ryhming lines, they can bring humor, but also can bring a strong sense of irony through their contrast. I like the idea. I'd like to see it again, if you revise it. |
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Hardrock Senior Member
since 2000-02-14
Posts 948New Hampshire, USA |
Kirk....thanks for your review. Regarding the use of "fists" vs "hits", ironically, I originally wrote it using the word fists, the elected to change it because fists were not always used...it was whatever was handy at the time. As for being too small to wash a car, but still do household chores,...well, you would be surprised at what a child can do standing on a straight-back wooden chair. But I understand what you are saying....we are not telling a story here, we are structuring poetry. I really do appreciate your feedback and will be submitting more in the future for critical analysis. Thanks again. |
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Joanna T. Lopez Junior Member
since 2000-02-02
Posts 33El Paso, Texas |
Hello Rock! After reading your piece I closed it up and scrolled back to the other submits and of course I'm back at yours. I cannnot comment on the rhyming, the stanzas or the whole layout for that matter. A lump found my throat and my eyes watered , but I was strong and held back the tears. Many have been in and are and will be in this unfortunate situation. All I can say, it has been 40 some years and only quick, spliced images of what happened as a toddler come to my mind. My brother rememebered what was done to me, w/his protective nature and nurturing arms I suppose he felt it best that I not remember. Some things in this piece that you wrote I'm almost positive hit home. When reading "Dad" I literally felt the blood draining from my brain to my gut and I did'nt think the bowl of cereal I had just supped would stay down much longer. Your piece is a good theraputic tool and if by your permission I would like to use it for a few of my lectures, I'm certain that this would help many of those who lived and live this life today. In my class we share alot on paper if you know what I mean! I wrote a piece titled "I Saw A Little Boy" In one section the stanza tells of how he protected me and kept me safe, well I didn't go into detail on this particular stanza because of the abuse, it is still a heartfelt subject and we deal w/it and hopefully we survive it and OVERCOME all of it. Amen! I'm sure you did'nt expect this type of response but what else can I say, this is what your piece evoked in me. Hast Luego and have a good day! Sincerly, Joanna T. [This message has been edited by Joanna T. Lopez (edited 02-28-2000).] |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
HR: I liked this. Kirk has makes some valid points about the tendency for rhyming poetry to sound funny (especially when you average 8 syllable per line). I would rethink "beans" as well. Also, when you are rhyming it is important that you watch your rhythm. I'm not saying that it all has to be metronomically da-DUM da-DUM da-DUM but if there isn't some sort of regular rhythm the rhyme doesn't work as well. For the most part you do and excellent job of keeping a good rhythm going. I only noted the following difficult lines: "You know what I’m needing" would sound better as "You know what I am needing". "My face I won’t show" I think would sound better as "My face I will not show". Aside from those two things the meter and rhyme worked well for me. Welcome to Passions and to CA. Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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Hardrock Senior Member
since 2000-02-14
Posts 948New Hampshire, USA |
Thanks to Joanna and jbouder....You certainly have my permission to use the piece if you think it helpful. It was published on another website some time ago and the response was almost overwhelming....I never expected it to touch people so deeply. As for the critique....thanks a bunch. All valid points. I will try to watch myself in future writings. The problem I have is that when I get to going, it is hard to slow the momentum. I rarely go back and review what I have written....which is bad if the goal is to produce a well finished product. But I'll get better with your help. I've never had my stuff critiqued before...I really do appreciate it. (Hmmmm, now how do I get back that stuff I already have floating around out there....?) Thanks again...hardrock. |
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Littlewings Member
since 1999-09-19
Posts 62 |
This is a tragic poem.I know how you feel.I think that it probably took alot for you to write this so I wont nitpick about the little things.Good work.I hope you can get beyond this awful situation. |
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captaincargo Member
since 1999-11-25
Posts 109Corning, N.Y. U.S.A. |
First Welcome to the forum! I found your piece extremely poignant. To me the first analysis of a poem should be how it makes the reader feel. And while technical points are also very important, if it evokes emotion in the reader that is what means most. I'm here to tell you that I was emotional. I could feel pain. Not just in the usual sense, but in varying ways. You had me feeling physical pain, emotional pain, the pain of hatred and also sarcastic pain. Any other emotions? Yeah sure, sorrow, anger, bitter irony, amazement, longing, even oddly as it may seem laughter. Sad laughter, but laughter nonetheless. I wanted to say all of that first to let you know that I thought this was good. Now to the "critical" part. First the rhythm is good for the most part. "You know what I am needing" might be better. Also "I know it's yours, that it's not mine," might sound better without the word "that". Finally I think that you may have also revealed your age, in that Keds aren't a brand of sneakers often heard these days. I could be wrong about that though. Good job, and well done!! I look forward to your next creation.  Cap. Each hath his own drug for Sorrow (Or else the pain would slay!) For one, it is "To-morrow"; For one, 'tis "Yesterday." "And hast thou lost, my Brother?" "Yea, but in dreams I find." "And I" (so saith another) "Leave buried dead behind!" For each, when gyves are fretting, A different balm must be. Some find it in forgetting, And some in memory. Margaret Root Garvin; (To Each His Own) Cap. Carg. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Some people may of course disagree with this. I agree with Kirk's concerns of sentimentality as well as the Dickens comment. The problem of course is that you have alread alluded that this is a true story and that makes it very difficult to say anything critical on the poem as a poem. Nobody, or at least very few of us, want to criticize the emotions of others in a forum such as this. Nevertheless, your poem, I think, can firmly be planted in the tradition of Langston Hughes or Dudley Randall -- African Americans who often used traditional forms to highlight the modern problems of racism (no, this isn't a poem about racism but I hope you see where I'm going). Actually, a good 'model' for a poem like this might by 'The Ballad of Birmingham' by Randall -- one of the most emotional pieces of poetry I've ever read. And that's where I think you might be able to make this an even more powerful piece -- you need a stronger narrative shape. As it is now, your using the voice of a child, a child who understands and accepts his predicament and this leads the reader (read me) at least in two different directions. On the one hand, it is a form of dramatic irony -- I know the child is wrong for accepting this, I know the father is wrong for the abuse but neither feels that they are wrong. They both feel they are the victims here. This is unsettling for what if you used the father's voice here? Could you turn this poem into a view where abuse is justified? Where the chores are a form of discipline? Where the abuse is less a hit than a spank, less a fist than a hand? I'm not questioning what happened which is something I have no right to question but the fallibility of the speaker is very much in question here. For those of you who have done work in child pshychology, is this a reaction that a child would have? Is this a poem that a child would have written? I don't know. If you change this into a third person poem (see the poem I mentioned above), it might solve some of these problems. On the other hand, the ending strikes me as a bit too 'forgiving' for my taste. Have you ever read 'Lolita'? For some reason the forgiveness at the end of that book, somehow works (it shouldn't but Nabakov's strength as an artist makes it work). Here, it comes off insincere or rather as if the speaker is trying to tell himself that he forgives his father rather than trying to convince the reader. Again, if you place this in an narrative format, third person, with some sort of climax at the end, I think you'll create a stronger emotional impact than the last two stanzas. If you want to do that and given what some people have already mentioned this may already may be too powerful as an idea. Just some ideas (and of course I could be wrong) ,Brad |
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