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My Father's Steps
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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My Father's Steps |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563
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Your strides were so long then, I struggled to keep up, And so yet I do. I now realize but a small part Of the effort put forth, The sacrifices made, To accomplish all that you have. Holding us in devoted hands, Yet giving wholly of yourself to others, You carefully placed those stepping stones For those who wished to follow. So many were touched by your strength, By your wisdom, your integrity, The mind of endless patience producing invaluable answers, To near impossible questions, Countless lives were improved by having known you. Now, finally, you can do just what you'd like, Have more time for those you love, Sit in a boat on peaceful waters, Casting the line, dropping it perfectly, I know you've found contentment, And I am so very happy for you. I am trying to follow some of those Carefully placed stepping stones, Though your strides are still so long, I doubt that few could walk beside you. I love you, Dad, Kristine < !signature--> All that we see or seem - Is but a dream within a dream ~ Edgar Allan Poe [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 02-27-2000).] |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hey Kristine, Now pleaaassssee don't take offense by what I'm going to say but honestly this sounds more like a letter for Father's Day than it does a poem. The first stanza is pretty good, and has an interesting metaphor and the last stanza you go back to that as well, but the rest of it reads really plain. Now I know you probably put a lot of emotions behind it and I'm sure you'll dad will love it but as far as holding the attention of this reader it didn't because I don't know you're father and you don't describe him other than in a couple of compliments. For example... "I now realize but a small part Of the effort it took, And sacrifices made, To accomplish all that you have."...that really tells me very little about your father and what he did...also... "So many were touched by your strength, And by your wisdom, Their lives improved by having known you.", again you haven't really told us any indepth things about your father to get the reader to relate to your love of him. Anyways, I'm sure you father will love the poem, it is a really sweet thing to write for him. Thanks for the read and take care, Trevor |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Okay, Trev...not like a poem, too sappy...got it. See if you like this one better. No sweet songs tonight, Discordant thoughts Wail upon this stage. Howling, harsh, Jarring chants of Petty detachment, Thievery and decievery, And the award goes to... The measured, orchestrated Performance by a minstrel, For "Icebox Masquerading as Flame", A tune want of harmony and humanity, One which has transposed The sweet soprano song That had dwelt within me, To a hollow, sepulchral dirge, Of weeping, of lamenting. In sackcloth and ashes, My sickened heart searches for lyric, Finding only double-tongued dissonance, And grating, metallic sounds. (The Grammies are on tonight) All that we see or seem - Is but a dream within a dream ~ Edgar Allan Poe |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
kris-- i basically agree with trevor's comments on "my father's steps;" i thought the opening and closing were good, but stanzas 2-5 missed an opportunity to let the reader in on this man, and see what you see. on an entirely different level, though, i really liked the piece, and wish i had written something like that for my father. your second poem here is absolutely incredible. very, very well done! "sepulchral dirge" and the sackcloth and ashes were perhaps a bit too much, but everything else is just fantastic. why are you hiding this gem in a reply? a tune "want of harmony and humanity, One which has transposed / The sweet soprano song / That had dwelt within me" is simply beautiful, excellent use of "transposed" btw. thanks for sharing both of these with us! jenni |
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dbarbera New Member
since 2000-02-22
Posts 8Dallas, TX USA |
My Fathers Steps--left me wondering--I was expecting a poem and I think I read a letter--a very nice letter--but not a poem. However, there are plenty who would disagree and label it as a prose poem. I liked the things that were said but I missed a rhythm and other poetic devices. I probably shouldn't have reviewed it, but since I did, I owed you an honest response. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
jenni and db, Thank you for reading and for your comments. This was more of a letter, I suppose. My dad's birthday is soon, and I wanted to be able to send him an e-card from the forum. I tell him about it all the time. So, it would have been strange for me to describe him more, when it was actually a personal thing. He'll know just what I mean, and that's what's important to me. Thanks again, Kris All that we see or seem - Is but a dream within a dream ~ Edgar Allan Poe |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Kris: Maybe it is because I am a father (x2) that I don't have the same problems with this that Trevor and Jenni do. I found myself hoping that one of my boys would think the same things about me someday. I sure is going to be a long road, isn't it? I actually found it difficult to detach myself from the emotional movement that this poem evoked in me. I think you were painting a picture of your admiration for your father, as opposed to a picture of your father. While, as both Trevor and Jenni point out, this is not a very good picture of your father, your admiration for him is illustrated with beautiful sincerity. JMHO. I think another strength of this poem is its broad applicability. I was not as interested in knowing about you father as I was interested in knowing how you felt about him and, as I read this, I wondered how many fathers hoped that their child[ren] thought the same of them. Nice work here Kris. Jim P.S. I know the Grammies were on last night ... so I took my boys to Kidsports and chased them through those cool plastic tubes.  I just couldn't handle seeing that Ricky Martin guy on T.V. again.  |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Jimteach, Thanks...it was a picture of my admiraton for my dad, who, at 62, was still wearing a beeper just in case one of his clients needed him. He would also get calls from the sheriff at any time of night, who had picked up a client, and didn't know what do do with them. Often, he'd have to get dressed, and go with the sheriff to sign papers. He's retired now, this wonderful man. Thank you for seeing what I meant to be in the piece, prosaic or not. I didn't see Ricky Martin, but I did see Santana....still love that "Smooth"... Kris All that we see or seem - Is but a dream within a dream ~ Edgar Allan Poe |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
But did either of you see Jennifer Lopez? Or more particularly, her dress?  But I suppose that fits better with your other post "Just Wondering" More seriously though, as a father, like Jim, I think I had feelings similar to his. Thanks. [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (edited 02-24-2000).] |
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Littlewings Member
since 1999-09-19
Posts 62 |
so what if it sounds like a letter! sometimes it just comes out that way! All these poems about dads are making me cry!(in a good way)Very sincere warmhrt. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Pete, Thank you, but I must say that, though Jennifer Lopez is a beautiful woman, she needs to find a new garage to keep those cars in. Littlewings, Thank you for being so sweet and sincere. All that we see or seem - Is but a dream within a dream ~ Edgar Allan Poe |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Kris I'm afraid I'm not going to comment on your original poem at all. I can see how much it means to you and, like other poems of an intensely personal nature that have been posted here, i just find it hard to look at them objectively. Just to say though your Dad sounds wonderful .. I wish i had one like that ...lol. As to your second poem I'd just like to say that I entirely agree with jenni, it's quite simply one of your best.. Philip [This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 02-27-2000).] |
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tom Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 90s/w penna u.s.a. |
I don't care if it's a letter to, or a poem for your dad, it was nice. I bet everyone that read it stopped for a sec. and thought about there own dad. Isn't that what poetry's about,to stop and make you think. |
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