»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
Dancin' Frenzy
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
Dancin' Frenzy |
|
|
mystery Member
since 2000-02-21
Posts 79 |
Tuning out the crowd Lost in a mind of my own I visualize a better place One where the world wouldn't disown me Where people don't point When I walk down the street And where men wouldn't holler out names That didn't belong to me Where mothers wouldn't grab their young When I presented a smile Where I wasn't judged for what I do But my reasons for doing such Then reality sets in As the obstreperous music awakes me And sweaty palms annoy me The sight of perverts touching themselves And begging for more, while paying less On my ass and chest they want to caress The bodyguard approaches to calm down the wild He's fully understanding and knows my profile If I could make this much money Flipping burgers, then I would But for Tablestops I get highly educated So the outcome is good  |
||
| © Copyright 2000 mystery - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
mystery-- ok, first thing, lose the annoying little dancer above. it's not cute. i thought the piece overall was kind of shallow. the speaker here is upset because people supposedly point at her when she walks down the street, men call her dirty names, mothers grab their young when she comes near (oh, puh-lease), and people judge her harshly for being a stripper. they don't consider her reason for being a stripper. and the reason is...? apparently, the old standby, "money i need to go to school." but millions of girls go to college every year without becoming strippers. the speaker wants to make an extra buck, decides to become a dancer, and then, good heavens! men grab at her and call her names, people lose respect for her! we're supposed to feel sorry for her? i'm sure it's annoying to be groped by perverts, and treated like an sex object (in fact, i know it is, lol), but DUH, what does anyone think being a stripper is all about anyway? your poem presents little here to make the speaker sympathetic, to make us understand why she made the choices she did. and it's not even like she was lured by the promise of quick cash, and now realizes it was a mistake, but can't get out (although, geez, i've heard that story before). no, the speaker here seems perfectly willing to go on being a stripper for as long as it takes(even if one reads the last 2 1/2 lines of the piece as irony, which it isn't at all clear that's what you intend here). after all, she's makin' the big bucks and gettin' that degree, no? (but damn, if only those men would stop groping her.) and when she gets her degree, won't that be her ticket out of the awful world of stripping, anyway? what's the real problem here? and if she really is supposed to be a student (and i must say, that really isn't clear) what of the conflict between her two lives? daytime student, nighttime stipper? there is so much more you could have said here. you present here a false dichotomy: it's NEVER simply a choice between "flipping burgers" (even metaphorically) and being a stripper. that is, unless all the person cares about is money. and the thing is, most dancers really don't make all that much money anyway. for every girl you hear about making $1,000 a night, there's probably 10 struggling to make $50. anyway. mothers grabbing their young when the speaker presents a smile is totally unrealistic, in my opinion. the word "obstreperous", with its connotations of stubborness or defiance (in addition to noisiness), seems out of place to describe the music here (unless, in my opinion, you're trying to make the speaker a grrrl determined to make her own way in the world, but you don't take that tack, or at least i don't see it). the lines -- The sight of perverts touching themselves And begging for more, while paying less On my ass and chest they want to caress -- were awkward and confusing. the lines about the bodyguard -- that "he's fully understanding and knows my profile" -- seemed flat, in my opinion, and kind of cut against the speaker's whole plea for... understanding. the line about it all being for the best because she is getting "highly educated" is confusing, in my opinion. and finally, the "well, it's all for the best" conclusion makes me say, what's the point of the whole poem then? you simply need to get deeper into your character here, give the reader something more, if you want this piece to work. there is alot that can be said about a stripper's plight in our society. alot can be said about a girl's decision to become a stripper, and about her feelings about herself once she is caught up in that game; about a society that, no, often does not present a whole lot of opportnities for young women; and about a culture that uses and values women as objects to pander shamelessly to people's, especially men's, baser sexual instincts in movies, television, music, advertising, and a myriad of other ways. this poem, though, in my opinion, doesn't do that. ok, i'll shut up now. jenni [This message has been edited by jenni (edited 02-23-2000).] |
||
|
patchoulipumpkin Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 196Bermuda |
The little dancer girl reminds me of Princess Leia's film message in the original star wars, where she bends down, and then stands up again. Anyway, to the poem. I found it a bit boring to be honest, because it starts off as a rant against dancing, and then ends saying dancing is good. So there really isn't any new ground gained here. Maybe if you presented yourself, not so much as a victim, but as someone empowered by it, it might be more interesting. In other words, the poem is exactly the status quo point of view of being a dancer, so it doesn't really interest. Also i don't understand what the word obstreperous means, it seems to come out of left field, and to me, takes me away from the focus of the poem. Maybe if you used a synonym that wasn't so big a word, it would help the poems' flow. The poem sort of reads like a 'in the defense of my job". A justification for what you do, even though you intimate that you really have no choice. So maybe if you wrote about your "choice" to be a dancer, it may be more interesting, rather than writing about being a dancer, and how its bad but oh-well it makes me good money theme. There are a ton of perspectives here, what do you see when you are onstage, how do you feel when you are up there? What do the men see, what are they feeling, and the bouncers, and the owner. If you could get into the background of any of these things, it would make it more interesting, just providing some depth. Take care, keep writing. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
