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Critical Analysis #1
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Poem in 5 parts(4 posted This is a little long)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Poem in 5 parts(4 posted This is a little long) |
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Tony Di Bart Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 160Toronto, Canada |
HIS IS MY FIRST DRAFT PLEASE CRITICIZE ALL YOU LIKE FIRST 4 PARTS POSTED The night, the darkness, the morning, the light and the day after ( A poem in five parts) i-The night Summer closed that night as we entered the bar announcing our arrival smooth lingering sweeps first our eyes, then our bodies it was long and thin set deep in the cities black heart trench warfare in this trendy tunnel artist and x-ers, mingling in protest of their parents lives into the back just like in grade school, last desk in the last row in need of obscurity. i walked up to the bar not knowing that things were about to change. The bartender, tall practicing the part of an unemployed actor or writer, maybe a poet like me in black dark rimmed glasses. i was in need of attention, a beer even. she knew it, looked up smiled, said you want to order then moved over so i could slide between her and the guy next door. it was like madness spreading through my brain, we exchanged words like kisses waiting anxiously for the next one to arrive; like kisses it did not matter who was kissing and who was being kissed it only mattered that our lips met. i forgot about my friend he was busy anyway boring himself with his insecurities. ii-The darkness on the edge of endless breaths i heard her warmth, sounded like a lion with her hair tangled in my thoughts Eyes cold silver and steel gray like a nova exploded inside me. and all the while my fingers moved in slow circles on her face in the darkness giggles were like pyre for our sorrows and quick shallow breaths , beacons guiding our pleasures home All night we chased our loneliness until exhaustion forced it to it’s knees iii-Morning The sun poured into the room like a ripe grape squeezed from it’s rind i turned to face the face of this golden haired lioness Her eyes still fluttered like two butterflies caught in the wind of a wayward dream A sparrow, brown stripped flew like my love past the window Fleeting for a stranger place then where my mind now rested. Beneath the warmth of a new day i pulled a quill from my quiver and fired it after that sparrow she rested and spoke volumes like the girl on the tram “making no such remark” Her body curved, silhouetted below a dark blanked against the white wall. (the nine sisters all conspired on this one) She awoke with a sinless smile eyes gasping for breath as they emerged from under a translucent reservoir of slumber i reached for her. not knowing things were about to change. iii-Light The street opened before me like the red sea, and i had been delivered! i carried on like a stag strutting and stammering on shaky legs projecting, telepathically the inconceivable serendipity that lay behind me already i crossed an ocean of darkness in one night, and in the light i turned to see the waves crash down upon the pharaohs troops guised in armor only pessimistic minds could create not wanting to recall the wandering that was inevitable i stammered a little longer by the shore, head high and turned to her balcony for one last breath. |
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| © Copyright 2000 Anthony Di Bartolomeo - All Rights Reserved | |||
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
tony-- i don't have time to really get into this now, but just let me say i think parts of it are just incredible. "like kisses it did not matter / who was kissing and who was being kissed / it only mattered that our lips met" is one set of lines i can point to now that really stood out, excellent i thought. you have alot of very vivid, descriptive imagery here, and i like the biblical allusions in the fourth section. yeah, some parts are kinda clunky, but overall i think it's a stunning piece, and would love to read part 5. thanks for a good read; i'll try and get back to it with more comments if you'd like. jenni |
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patchoulipumpkin Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 196Bermuda |
I thought this was brilliant, excellent. Wow. i really enjoyed it. You have so many good lines in here, let me find some.... okay here's one"trench warfare in this trendy tunnel" "he was busy anyway, boring himself with his insecurities" and my favorite "all night we chased our loneliness, until exhaustion forced us it to its knees" _brilliant, i mean i'm in awe, really. I truly love this, i think its great, i think you should publish this, that's my feeling anyway. Awesome stuff. Sincerely.. |
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Tony Di Bart Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 160Toronto, Canada |
Thanks Jenni Yes I would like for you to comment further on the poem. patchoulipumpkin thanks aswell for your comments. Death makes angels of us all and gives us wings where we had shoulders smooth as raven claws Jim Morrison |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
tony-- ok, i thought i'd just go through it and tell ya what i liked and what, in my opinion, might be improved. the night: decent opening stanza, i thought. "smooth lingering sweeps" is actually pretty good on a longer piece like this, subtly tells the reader to settle in, lol. "first our eyes, then our bodies," well, seemed a little clunky, just my opinion. second stanza i thought was excellent, it really establishes a great backdrop to the whole piece. the last 2 lines there were great. i'm not so wild about the city's "black heart;" i think you can do better there. third stanza, i was a little confused by the speaker's need for both obscurity and attention, without anything really to show conflicting desires, or any change as yet in the situation. the bartender description was very good. "the guy next door" was kinda weak, i thought, and unnecessary; consider saying simply that she moved aside to let the speaker slide in. fourth stanza, so frustrating, lol. like i said before, the "kissing" image here for the conversation was simply incredible. but it's bracketed by clumsy lines, the "madness spreading through my brain" and the bit about the friend. the latter suffers especially from coming right after the evocative conversation image. i'd lose the friend lines entirely (who cares about him, anyway? lol), and find a better, less cliched lead-in to the conversation lines. the darkness: very, very good, especially the first stanza. in the second stanza, consider "were like A pyre for our sorrows" or "built a pyre for our sorrows". the "quick shallow breaths, beacons / guiding our pleasures home" was wonderful, as was generally the whole use of light in this section entitled 'darkness,' very well done indeed. morning: fantastic. really, i can't say enough about how good this whole part was. the ripe grape, the butterflies, the sparrow, the dark blanket (think ya got a typo there), the nine muses, the sinless smile and eyes gasping for breath... fantastic all. far and away the strongest part of the piece. after all that wonderful imagery, it might be good to bring the reader back to earth for a second, but i think your last line was a little too obvious and clunky. i see the repetition with the same line in the first part, of course, but i thought this was a little disappointing at the end of this section. i'd lose it entirely, or introduce the foreshadowing of the impending change more subtly, less abruptly. light: very strong section here. like i said before, i really liked the extended exodus allusion here, deliverance and victory, but with the foreshadowing of wandering to come; not quite in the promised land yet. very well done. i wasn't too wild about the whole stag thing, it seemed a bit like a frat boy swaggering about how he got lucky last night, lol, and not quite in keeping with the seemingly deeper transformative effect the night had on the speaker. the last stanza, even with the stammering stag bit, was great. you might want to make the fourth part resonate a little more by working into the first part, "night," the sense of the speaker suffering from a restlesness for some promised land, instead of the "trench warfare" thing ya got now. just a suggestion. you might also want to consider doing more with light/dark throughout each part, or work in some thread, anyway, to link all the parts together. again, just a suggestion. anyway, there ya go. be careful with the last part, the first four are tough acts to follow, lol. you've really done quite an excellent job here, such a succession of vivid, compelling images, one right after the other. very well done! thanks for a incredibly interesting read! can't wait to read the last part. jenni [This message has been edited by jenni (edited 02-21-2000).] |
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Tony Di Bart Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 160Toronto, Canada |
Jenni Thanks for your wonderful comments. I will look at the poem in light of what you have said. I have thought about the clunky parts that you have mentioned and well, I sorta thought they were clunky myself. Why did I leave them in?/i really do not know. Yes, the fith part of this poem is taking a long time to write because I have to follow the first four. The first four parts were written two weeks ago in one sitting. Since then I have written nothing else and have tried to start the last part many times. Each time it appears to weak. Thank you once again for your insightful comments. |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Hello Tony I hope to get back to this later .. but just to say, like Jenni, I thought the kissing metaphor we exchanged words like kisses waiting anxiously for the next one to arrive; like kisses it did not matter who was kissing and who was being kissed it only mattered that our lips met. was quite beautiful and superbly well done. Philip |
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Tony Di Bart Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 160Toronto, Canada |
Philip mon amie thanks for your kind words. your comments are always appreciated tony di bart Death makes angels of us all and gives us wings where we had shoulders smooth as raven claws Jim Morrison |
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