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Hair Matters(revised)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Hair Matters(revised) |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore 
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Once, lustrous dark hair flowed to her shoulders Now, a broad-brimmed hat hides her deep dark secret Once, the envy of many Now, the target of ridicule Pointed fingers, hushed whispers Smirking grins, barely stifled giggles Yet, she always acted brave as she passed them, Shuddering even as she braced herself, Piercing her nails into the soft skin of her palms, Trying hard to mask her emotions that swirled round inside her, like clothes in a vigorously spinning machine Attempting not to let the burning lump in her throat choke her Vivid images flashed before her Terrible doses of chemicals she took Long needles that were inserted into her spine Clumps of her pride and joy falling out If only they knew the pain and anguish she had gone through while steeling herself to do battle. i do hope my revised version makes this poem more interesting. |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Kaile .. Hello I read your first version of this and also read what my esteemed friends had to say about it. This revision is IMHO very much improved indeed. I think you have done tremendously well .. i find it really hard to go back to a poem and revise it and i have a lot of respect for what you have done here. One line stands out especially for me: "Clumps of her pride and joy falling out..." At a cursory reading of course the reader associates the words "clumps" with hair (a fairly common association)ie her "pride and joy" ... However the whole poem is potentially about the loss of self esteem of the speaker and it is therefore easy to read "pride and joy" literally (rather than as descriptive of her hair). If you do this then immediately the word "clumps" is invested with an entirely new and novel slant. Now we see her losing "clumps" of her self esteeem even as her hair falls in "clumps" .. This is good stuff Kaile very well done  Philip |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
THANK YOU,Philip for your kind comments...they realllly boosted my morale.. will anyone else care to give this a read also?") |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
kaile, I think this is a much stronger poem. You've got some strong phrases going and there's no let down at the end (if people don't understand what's going on by the third or forth line, don't bother telling them). Once, lustrous dark hair flowed to her shoulders Now, a broad-brimmed hat hides her deep dark secret Once, the envy of many Now, the target of ridicule --strong beginning. I like the speeded up contrast parallelism going here. Well done. We'll talk about 'deep dark' later. Pointed fingers, hushed whispers Smirking grins, barely stifled giggles --okay Yet, she always acted brave as she passed them, --with the current ending, I don't think you need this line -- maybe add more description. Shuddering even as she braced herself, Piercing her nails into the soft skin of her palms, --good Trying hard to mask her emotions that swirled round inside her, like clothes in a vigorously spinning machine --think about dropping this part and using the image for another poem (it's interesting but would work better somewhere else perhaps). Attempting not to let the burning lump in her throat choke her Vivid images flashed before her Terrible doses of chemicals she took Long needles that were inserted into her spine Clumps of her pride and joy falling out If only they knew the pain and anguish she had gone through while steeling herself to do battle. --strong ending. I enjoyed this poem. Really, I did. Please take or leave my suggestions -- just perhaps my own idiosynchrasies. I just think the poem would be more powerful without the reference to emotions -- show them instead through her actions. Just an opinion, Brad |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Hey Kaile: I bet you were wondering if I'd ever come back and let you know what I thought of your "new and improved" version. Well, I thought this was a remarkable improvement. It seems as though you've chipped away at some of the rough edges and added some excellent wording to this piece. My only suggestions are focused on the following lines: "Terrible doses of chemicals she took Long needles that were inserted into her spine" The "Terrible doses" line is a bit jarring. I like the content, but I think it could be reworded. I think "she took" is a given that doesn't necessarily require mentioning. I also think "were inserted into" could be replaced simply by inserting "pierced". "Needles ... pierced" is much stronger than "Needles ... were inserted into". Just my humble opinion. Relatively painless, wouldn't you say? Not the needles, if course, I mean the critique. Well done here, Kaile. I enjoyed your revision.Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Kaile, Well, I was going to give some comments on this but then I read the others first. I think I agree entirely with what has already been said. I hate to just echo but I have to agree with Brad and Jim on three lines. Maybe that's why they are the moderators  I thought "vigorously spinning machine" gave a wrong feel, compared with the rest. I also thought the "terrible doses . . ." line was, as Jim said, a little jarring, for lack of a better word. And using the active voice (also along the lines he suggested) in the next line would make it stronger. I also liked Philip's take on the line "Clumps of her pride and joy falling out..." but he's always good about that sort of thing. One first impression I got on first reading and haven't seen here was "what kind of insensitive SOB might point a finger, grin or giggle?" But then I guess there always is one. And even if not, that still might be her perception. Thanks for giving me something to think about. Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
thank u all 4 taking the time to read this...i'm really grateful.. Brad's comments about focussing on her actions instead of relating her emtions,jbouder's better wording('pierced' instead of 'inserted' Why didn't i think of that??) and not a poet's opinions that tallies with both brad and jbouder do make me re-think this a lot...i will put aside "her" for a while and re-write this whole thing some other day.. Terima kasih(that's TQ in malay),guys...") |
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