»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
Depression
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
Depression |
|
|
patchoulipumpkin Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 196Bermuda |
Smiles push away His cheek Like an oar On water Slowly Curling his skin Towards the sky As Time conspires To drop it To his feet |
||
| © Copyright 2000 patchoulipumpkin - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
patch-- beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. LOVED the first stanza, especially, although, after reading the whole piece, i wonder whether another image than the oar and the water might be better there, one that more effectively conveys the idea of curling something to the sky. on the other hand, you may want to consider adding another image to the second stanza, something that brings out the inertia of depression, in contrast to the oar in the water not only curling a smile but also propelling him forward. just a suggestion. anyway, even as it is now, i really like the piece. shootin' for another 60 comments?  thanks for a great read, jenni |
||
|
patchoulipumpkin Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 196Bermuda |
Thanks Jenni, for the comments, i like the oar actually, though i will play with it and see what i can do. The oar, kind of makes it seem lazy, and slow, which is sort of what i was trying. Thanks Yeh, what the hell was with that? I couldn't believe the madness of "coffee". I just gave up, because it turned into this super debate, and trevor really was on a roll. I actually just reread some of it, and he could package his comments into a manifesto of some kind. A man on a mission...LOL. I just ducked out after about 14comments, because things had taken on a new life, so i just watched it sprout. anyway, appreciate your comments. |
||
|
Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Patch I agree with jenni .. beautiful, though actually I loved the oar on water imagery so long as it's an oar lazily dipping into Lake Coniston on a hot glassily still summer afternoon and not the frantic sweep of the Oxford eight losing to Cambridge at Henley .....lol Thanks Philip |
||
|
Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Hi again Patch I read this again and this time jenni's comments as well in more detail. When I first read the poem I thought that what you were doing was being "clever" with the title. I saw the whole poem as being about the physical actual act of smiling, literally about a smile. The first stanza puts forward a very attractive bit of imagery and the second comes over to me as being kind of cheerfully defiant in the face of the ravages of age and time doing their worst on the old facial muscles ...lol .. The "cleverness" of the title is in the fact that the poem is about the very opposite of "depression" while at the same time a dimple or depression is exactly what happens to the cheek when a person smiles. Perhaps you had more than this in mind but a this level the poem worked well for me. I did however like jenni's idea of using the word depression still further and combatting the very idea of the its inertia by using the "propelling forward" oar imagery. Philip |
||
|
warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Patch, I loved this, as, in a few short words you so cleverly create the image of a smile forming in slow motion, fighting off the foe that wishes to take it down. Wonderful imagery...I think the oar and water simile was a very good choice, and also quite original. Personally, I think it's perfect just the way it is... Yes, that was quite a record number of responses to "Coffee"...I thought it was a riot!!! there's a hell of a good universe next door;lets go ~ e. e. cummings |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
