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Daddy's Baby
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Daddy's Baby |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Thought I'd try one a little different, maybe for Valentine's Day. Well, I know I'm late for that but honestly I have been sort of working on this for some time. Just couldn't get the parts to fit. Probably still needs some help but I'm stumped at this point so please jump in. Daddy's Baby My little girl, how do you stand so tall And straight when barely four feet eight you are In ballet shoes and flowing gown for all To see, applaud, admire the pretty star? But don't you think that skirt's a little short And must you wear the makeup quite so bold, For growing up can be a hurtful sport, And by your years, you're really not that old. It seems just yesterday I said these things, And kissed your cheek and tucked you in each night, And wished you sweetest dreams on fairy's wings -- You were my pride and joy . . . my heart's delight -- And for the memories you gave I pray Your daddy's baby you will always stay. Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hi Pete, I don't feel I can adequately comment on any of the sonnet's technicalities...I'll leave that to others. I do, though, like the feel of the piece...tender, and loving, even with the implied troublesome teen-age years. It read smoothly, except for the fourth line. Perhaps too many pauses (commas). Even though, I think the poem is very good...made me lonesome for my dad. Nice work, Pete, Kristine there's a hell of a good universe next door;lets go ~ e. e. cummings |
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Ted Reynolds Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331 |
I like this, it's nicely felt and crafted -- the only weakness I felt was that the ending seems to lack something, maybe some present/past reference to what she is now, something to make a final spark or impact. (How vague I am.) For instance, I myself remember how I felt when, on a winding mountain road, I abruptly, in an accordion collapse of years, realized my baby daughter was driving the car. Spooky! |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Kristine, Thanks for your comments. But, I seem to remember a sonnet you posted a while back and my recollection is that it was structurally perfect.  So don't try to fool me. And if this one makes the girls lonesome for their dads or us guys lonesome for their little girls, then I have succeeded.Ted, You are not vague at all. I have the same feeling that it needs a little something more at the end. I don't think there is room in the format to go into what she is now without rambling but I do agree it needs more punch. And yes, I remember almost that same day as you but it was a hilly lake road instead of mountains. God, you just brought that back to me now. Thanks. And, it looks like I will be following you around the forum this afternoon while I have a few minutes. Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Pete, It looks good from this end. My favorite part was the skirt and make up part. The ending was a bit weak but if this is a Valentine's Day poem, you're forgiven. Actually, I feel a sincerity to this poem that moves passed the usual Valentine stuff -- well done. Brad |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Pete: Do you think Brad is going soft on us? Actually, I am in full agreement with him here. The sincerity is touching and your attention to the "rules" of sonnet writing is impeccable. Nice work here. The last six lines, by the way, were wonderfully written. Thanks for the read. Jim |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
this poem is so sweet!!! "For growing up can be a hurtful sport" this line stuck in my head...i don't know why.. maybe your next poem can be advice, telling her about the trials and pitfalls in this world and how best to avoid them.. Eg,beware of boys who demand sex from you believe papa, they aren't good for you i realise i may be talking rubbish but that really was my heartfelt response")  |
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carolyn smale Junior Member
since 2000-02-02
Posts 20australia |
this really is awful sentimental drivel, made even worse by rhymes and sonnet form. if you'd stuck to describing the young girl, maybe, but the cliched stuff about short skirts and makeup! thanks, carolyn. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Me again. Looks like someone needs a nap! While I agree that the sentimentality was laid on a little heavy in this one, I think this is what lent to sincerity of the piece and I would hardly characterize it as "drivel" ("to talk non-sensically or non-sensical talk" a la Merriam-Webster).Nice job on this one Pete. Jim |
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Hardrock Senior Member
since 2000-02-14
Posts 948New Hampshire, USA |
Pete...I liked the poem...but I'm partial to rhyme and meter....I found myself caught up in it, too much so to be critical of any supposed misgivings it may have had. Hope to see more.....Marv Hardin |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Well, thanks to all of you who responded. And no, Jim, I can't imagine Brad going soft on us. I think he, like most of the rest of you, recognized right off that I never intended this to be the stuff of which literary legends are made. Instead, it was just a sweet little poem for my lovely daughter. So, I'm glad we all seem to have had just a little fun with it. Well, thanks again all. Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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Littlewings Member
since 1999-09-19
Posts 62 |
Aww.This poem makes me want to call my daddy and tell him I love him and never dress up again.I LOVE it! Its so real , you perfectly combine words and feelings.Represented beautifully. |
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