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Critical Analysis #1
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I Saw A Little Boy
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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I Saw A Little Boy |
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Joanna T. Lopez Junior Member
since 2000-02-02
Posts 33El Paso, Texas |
One day I saw a little boy, keeping busy as he played. Standing erect, so proud of himself, surveying the outcome, his victory for the day. Quietly approaching behind him, more littler than he, standing on tippy toes anxious to see. Skipper's half gone in a muddy hole, not far away is Barbie downed by a green aide. I did not like GI Joe, he always won. One day I saw a little boy, who grew up to be a big boy. He was fun to be with, laughing, listening to 45's and 33's. He was kind of mean when we were at play, his favorite "bound and gagged" see if you can get away! Falling hard, head hitting the floor, shhh! don't cry he would say, or else mom won't let us play! One day I saw a little boy, who grew up to be a big boy, who grew up to be a man. There were times I would cry or be real sad, holding me close with comforting promises, It is going to be o.k. your safe now, he would say. Stroking my hair as he cradled me close, the comforting promises I believed the most. I will always be here for you, don't you know I'm the man with the plan. Teary eyed, safe and secure, looking up at puppy dog eyes looking back at me, he loves me so much this I can see. My Guardian Angel, my Knight in shinning armor, a real Kind Man! One day I saw a little boy, who grew up to be a big boy, who grew up to be a man who did not grow up to be a Grandpa because he was sleeping peacefully in a faraway land. He forgot one thing though, when he was here, he failed to tell me that God had his own plan! One day I saw a little boy, who grew up to be a big boy, who grew up to be a man, who did not grow up to be a Grandpa...I miss him so much... with my heart I can. Eternally [This message has been edited by Joanna T. Lopez (edited 02-26-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Joanna T. Lopez - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
It's no good Joanna (oh Hi btw I'm Philip) this is one of those poems where I'm afraid I just can't do the Haze "slice and dice" or the Trevor "cut and paste" or the Brad "ogre" bit. I know this is Critical Analysis but there are times when I just feel that the poem is too personal and too emotive to coldly take apart with the metaphoric scalpel. I just want to say I liked the unusual format and the internal rhymes and half rhymes, but above all the poem "touched" me. I surely don't need to spell out WHY it touched me ........ Thanks for this Philip [This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 02-09-2000).] |
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merely_a_jester Member
since 2000-01-14
Posts 67Arkansas... that's all you get |
hello i've been gone for a bit and missed your premire onto the forum, so let me say "hi" i agree that this is something i would never in my wildest dreams try to take apart, though not just because of the obvious personal feelings that went into this, but because i'm not all that great a critiquing... but that still doesn't mean i don't like this piece... quite the opposite  but, anyway, once again, welcome, and thanks for the read Aspiring to be Gods, if Angels fell, Aspiring to be Angels, Men rebel; Alexander Pope |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Very thoughtful words!!! |
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Joanna T. Lopez Junior Member
since 2000-02-02
Posts 33El Paso, Texas |
Thank You Trevor, for the thoughful words! I would use a smiley face at this point and a shy smiley face at this point, but I have'nt figured out how to use them yet, so use your imagination k! Sincerely yours, Joanna T. p.s. anytime you need or want to use my submittions to set an example or make your point, no need to apoligize or anything else for that matter, a moderator's gotta do what a moderator's gotta do and this also goes for Brad and jbouder. (big smiley face and one w/a wink inserted at this time) Imagination guys! Chow! [This message has been edited by Joanna T. Lopez (edited 02-10-2000).] |
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Drucilla Junior Member
since 2000-02-07
Posts 14 |
I am (for once) at a loss for words. It is an absolutely beautiful piece. I sencerely hope that you continue posting. I look forward to reading more. Drucilla |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hi Joanna, Don't remember if I ever welcomed you. If I didn't, I wholeheartedly do so now. Once again, I'm going to cop out and refer you back to Philip's comments, which were very true (about the analysis of a poem of this subject and emotion). I, too, liked the internal rhymes, though I am not a big fan of this format. But...that is just my personal opinion. It was a good, but sadness provoking read. Nice work, Joanna. Kristine If I can ease one life the aching, Or cool one pain,... I shall not live in vain - Emily Dickinson |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello, Hello and welcome to CA. I also would like to say that I apoligize for using space on your thread to help illustrate a point I was trying to make. Now as emotionally filled as this piece may be and as much as I have a lot of sympathy and respect towards you as a person and your life experiences, I still think one should analyse it. If emotions are so powerful that they need to be shared with the world then I think it is important for someone to be able to accurately convey it to the world. One way to do this is to get feedback from the readers and use their opinion to help you better understand how other people think, thereby giving you a better understanding of what might properly convey your thoughts and emotions to the outside world. Now my critiques are just opinions, not on the author but rather on the words the author has used to describe something. Also in no way do I think my opinion on whether I think it is a good or a bad poem actually makes it a good or bad poem. My opinions are only suggestions for possible improvements based upon my interpretation of your words. And now since that's all been said, I'll get down to my "cut and paste" rountine. "One day I saw a little boy, keeping busy and fast at play. Standing erect, so proud of himself, surveying the outcome, his victory for the day." I like the opening stanza, I found it got my attention and held it. In this section of the stanza, consider chopping "keeping busy and" and adding something like, "who was", it will throw off the rhythm a bit more so I don't know if that's something your keen on. I'd also like to say that I too like the interesting rhyming scheme and format. "Quietly approaching behind him, more littler than he, standing on tippy toes anxious to see. Skipper's half gone in a muddy hole, not far away is Barbie downed by a green aide. I did not like GI Joe, he always won." I liked "littler", captured the wording that a child would use to describe a size. Also I liked the play on words with "green aide". Also there was something about "I did not like" that made it seem kinda clunky but I think it fits the way some children talk. "One day I saw a little boy, who grew up to be a big boy. He was fun to be with, laughing, listening to 45's and 33's. He was kind of mean when we were fast at play, his favorite "bound and gagged" see if you can get away! Falling hard, head hitting the floor, shhh! don't cry he would say, or else mom won't let us play!" I got lost on this stanza during my first read....it was "bound and gagged" that threw my for a loop. But then I understood (or at least I think I understand) what you were saying. I liked all of this stanza except for the "fast at play", consider rewording it because you already used that line in the first stanza and I didn't think the repetition of that line fit the style of your poem. "One day I saw a little boy, who grew up to be a big boy, who grew up to be a man. There were times I would cry or be real sad, holding me close with comforting promises, It is going to be o.k. your safe now, he would say. Stroking my hair as he cradled me close, the comforting promises I believed the most." I thought "There were times I would cry or be real sad", could have used more elaboration due to the fact you are no longer describing children's interactions but now adults. It might fit the poem more if you gave more detail to the situation of the characters as adults. I loved the flow of, "Stroking my hair as he cradled me close, the comforting promises I believed the most.". "I will always be here for you, don't you know I'm the man with the plan. Teary eyed, safe and secure, looking up at puppy dog eyes looking back at me, he loves me so much this I can see. My Guardian Angel, my Knight in shinning armor, a real Kind Man!" I also thought this stanza as a whole could have used some better descriptions. "Puppy dog eyes", "Knight in shinning armor" are both cliched and "real Kind Man" I don't think gives a real portrayal of the love you had for this person. "One day I saw a little boy, who grew up to be a big boy, who grew up to be a man who did not grow up to be a Grandpa because he was sleeping peacefully in a faraway land. He forgot one thing though, when he was here, he forgot to tell me that God had his own plan!" Consider adding a comman after "who grew up to be a man". "faraway land" seemed to vague in my opinion of a description of the afterlife. And I found "He forgot one thing though, when he was here, he forgot to tell me that God had his own plan!", read kind of awkward because of the doubled up use of "he forgot", consider perhaps rewording one of those parts. "One day I saw a little boy, who grew up to be a big boy, who grew up to be a man who did not grow up to be a Grandpa...I miss him so much... with my heart I can." One of my personal quests is to eliminate almost all use of "...."s in poetry For some reason (just a pet peeve I suspect) I just don't feel that it works as well as a comma or period or line break. The only place I found the rhymes in your poem didn't work was the last one. They ryhme but it just feels to "light". Perhaps consider adding a line or two in so that maybe you wouldn't feel forced to rhyme the ending with "man". Just a thought."Eternally" I'm usually not a big fan of "eternally", "forever" and "infinity" type of words but I do think that it does fit in this poem and helps bring home the theme of remembering the good stuff to remembering the pain of loss. Anyways, a good poem that in my humble opinion could probably be made better, sorry for your loss and thank you for sharing this poem with us, take care, Trevor |
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gypsyqlt Member
since 2000-02-08
Posts 147Bradford,Vt USA |
Dear Joanna, I am truly sorry for your loss. I know, first hand of this particular pain. Keep writing, it helps with the healing. Jocelyn |
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J.L. Humphres Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201Alabama |
Joanna, I too have been away for a while and would like to bid you welcome to CA. I liked this poem, truly a piece which stirs the emotions. However I think that the emotions could be stirred a bit harder by changing a few words here and there, maybe intensifying some of the adjectives. Just my opinion though, and that offered respectfully. I am truly saddened by your loss. J.L.H. Jason I...I have seen the best minds of my generation... --Allen Ginsberg |
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Joanna T. Lopez Junior Member
since 2000-02-02
Posts 33El Paso, Texas |
First of all I want to thank ALL OF YOU for your response to this piece. Also for your sincere sentiments. Trevor, I am glad that you chose to respond in the way that you did and if someone had'nt done it soon, I was then going to do a bit on this piece myself, such as, yes Trevor I too agree w/you on the third stanza which indicated that they were now adults and that I should perhaps have given more detail in the adult relationship between siblings. I agree w/this also and in general it would have been done, the reason it was not done, she is still dealing w/this area of her life. (the abuse that happened so longgggg ago) When he was able to get her away from the abuse and hide her under the bed he would cradle her close and comforting promises is what she belived the most. She would be sad and sometimes cry though she only remembered a little of why. And it did'nt matter at the time because she was always safe when in his arms. Puppy Dog Eyes, no good Trev, there was absolutely no other way to describe his eyes, for he had the Saddddest Puppy Dogs eyes that not even a puppy has! The kindest man I have ever known indeed! I did make the change in the 2nd stanza "fast at play" to "we were at play", do you think it reads better? I could'nt think of another replacement. Also I think it was the 5th stanza instead of using "forgot" 2wice in the same sentence I changed the 2nd one to " he failed to tell me", does this sound better? It took 18 years to find the words to describe a 24 year sibling relationship on one piece of paper and to make its impact so profound and by all the wonderful and kind comments, I like to think that there was impact! I too think that there should be several changes in this piece, 2nd,3rd, and 5th stanza, but as you all can see, this is a very heartfelt and deep emotional piece. I just like it alot and I really wanted to share it with all of you who love and have loved and have been loved. Actually I wrote this for my mother, and she liked it. Once again thank you (each and everyone of you) for your words. Sincerely, Joanna T. [This message has been edited by Joanna T. Lopez (edited 02-26-2000).] |
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