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To Soccer, With Love
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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To Soccer, With Love |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore 
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Soccer fanatics on the field Go,Lions,go! All geared to impress Go,Lions,go! The bright sun shone A cool breeze blew The perfect day to play ball and be a Ronaldo wannabe All set, ready to go The whistle finally blew Scampering madly for the ball Hoping to score an early goal Now, soccer widows often say What a silly game ,soccer is, Nothing more to it,really than 22 men chasing a rubber ball They may wallow in despair But they won't understand, that's i'm sure The rush of ardenaline that pulses through whenever you play ball The thrill of dribbling Sprinting all the way towards the goal Or tackling a strong-bulit player Snatching the ball away from him (Burly and muscular, he may be But nimble-footed, he is not!! Ha!) Or shooting long passes to your buddies who wink back after they score Turned my thoughts to the game at hand Found, to my dismay, a striker approaching near "Damn it" i cursed sliently Failed to clear the ball again Dashed towards my rival Eager to make amends A timely slide The ball was mine Looked condescendingly at the unworthy Chuckled merrily, while tearing towards the box Defenders surged towards me Looked around wildly for support Glimpsed a few straightened hands here and there "Pass it to me" they seemed to beckon My mind focussed, I punted the ball He brought it down gracefully, firing off a rocket-like shot. I stood trance-like My breath held Would he score?i wondered Oh, please, do let him score! The loud roar filled the air Faces flushed with excitement Affectionate pats, grinning faces Plied, one on top of the other, on our hero who scored Rushed back towards my post Go, Lions, go! Waited for action and more goals Go, Lions, go! A smile came upon my face What a perfect thing to do on a bright sunny day! [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 02-19-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 heng kaile - All Rights Reserved | |||
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
i just made a typing error--i wanted to type "Ronaldo" instead of "Ronalda" |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Kaile: I made the edit for you. Be back later to critique. Jim |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Kaile: I played soccer through junior high school, high school and part of college and I remember many times where I thought, heard and felt the same things you describe in your poem. It feels great to kick a perfect pass to a team-mate who goes on to score a goal. My junior high school team, by the way, was the Lincoln Lions. "Soccer fanatics on the field Go,Lions,go! All geared to impress Go,Lions,go!" You may want to consider beginning your poem with "Go, Lions, go!" then go on to explain who is cheering. I think this would make for a smoother opening. Scampering madly for the ball Hoping to score an early goal You may want to rethink the use of "Scampering". I instantly think of a mouse when I see the word scamper. Maybe "Sprinting" up the field. I think the soccer players would like to be described as "sprinters" rather than "scamperers", dontcha think?  Now, soccer widows often say What a silly game ,soccer is, Nothing more to it,really than 22 men chasing a rubber ball" I really liked these lines. They actually made me laugh (I hope they were intended to be funny). Soccer widows? lol. I think the good soccer balls are made of leather, btw. "They may wallow in despair But they won't understand, that's i'm sure The rush of ardenaline that pulses through whenever you play ball" A few nips and tucks will strengthen this stanza. Maybe replace the "But ..." line with "But they'll never understand, of this I'm sure, ...". Maybe consider replacing "The rush of adrenaline that pulses through whenever you play ball" with "The rush of adrenaline that surges through our veins whenever we play ball." "The thrill of dribbling Sprinting all the way towards the goal Or tackling a strong-bulit player Snatching the ball away from him (Burly and muscular, he may be But nimble-footed, he is not!! Ha!) Or shooting long passes to your buddies who wink back after they score" I think you may want to consider trimming these lines a bit. I think it would read very interesting if it was described in the first person. Rather than telling us WHAT makes you feel great when playing soccer, consider telling us HOW you feel. I actually liked, "But nimble-footed he is not! Ha!" because I think it captures the competetive spirit of the game. The line "a striker approaching near" may be confusing to some who have never played the game. Maybe clueing the reader in that a striker is one of the "last lines of defense separating you from the goal would be helpful. "'Damn it' i cursed sliently Failed to clear the ball again Dashed towards my rival Eager to make amends" These lines are a little confusing. I think of "clear[ing] the ball" as something the defending full back or mid-fielder does to "clear" the ball from its proximaty to the goal. Small typo on "silently", by the way. Did the striker-back get the ball from you? Did he start dribbling the ball rather than pass it to a line-man or the mid-fielder? "A timely slide The ball was mine Looked condescendingly at the unworthy" I loved slide tackles. But I think you should describe it a little better. You have a picture in your mind of what the defending player looks like as you trap the ball and he does a "crash and burn" on the field and WE want to see it. I also think you may want to consider telling the story in the present tense rather than the past tense. I think it would give more of a sense of "being there" with the player. "Chuckled merrily, while tearing towards the box" "Merrily" just doesn't seem to fit well here. It makes me think of Santa Claus. Maybe "Chuckled mockingly" would describe what you are trying to say better. "Defenders surged towards me Looked around wildly for support Glimpsed a few straightened hands here and there "Pass it to me" they seemed to beckon" Again, I think telling this in the present tense would strengthen the imagery here. Maybe: "Defenders surge toward me and I desperately look around for support, Then I see the hands of my team-mates Hands that seem to say: "Pass it to me." "My mind focussed, I punted the ball He brought it down gracefully, firing off a rocket-like shot." There are some good descriptive words here. "Punted" doesn't best describe your action though. I think "chipped a pass" is the better wording here. "Punting" just gives me an image of you picking the ball up and kicking it that way. "I stood trance-like" Maybe "I stood entranced." "My breath held Would he score?i wondered Oh, please, do let him score!" I think you may want to reword this a little bit. You are telling these events like I would read them in a book and sometimes they don't sound like the thoughts of a line-man waiting to see if his friend scored a goal. Would he score? Shot! Oh, please ... Score! I think trimming the wording down a little bit better communicates the short period of time that you have to think while your friend is taking his shot. Just my opinion, though. "The loud roar filled the air Faces flushed with excitement Affectionate pats, grinning faces Plied, one on top of the other, on our hero who scored" I liked these lines. "Grinning" by itself just doesn't seem celebratory enough. Could just be me. "A smile came upon my face What a perfect thing to do on a bright sunny day!" The first line could be condensed to "I smiled" and, I think, have the same impact you line has as it is currently worded. Don't underestimate the power of concise wording. On the last line you may want to consider changing "a" to "this". Again, just my opinion. I enjoyed this poem, Kaile. It brought back some good memories. Try telling your story as one who is experiencing it as we read it. Put us in the player's head as he is dribbling up the field, almost loses the ball, regains possession of it, passes it to a friend, and watches his friend score. Maybe trim some of the language down a bit and try to communicate what the player sees in more detail. I'd love to know what happened to that striker you slide-tackled.  Even so, I liked this.Later. Jim |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Excuse me kaile for using your post, but i must just express my outrage at the idea of even OUR game being hi-jacked ... is nothing sacred ?? Lincoln Lions .. I ask you .. what kinda name is that ... !!! oh btw kaile this missile is of course on auto guidance towards our good moderator and in no way directed at you or your poem which have to say captured the essence of real soccer played on a REAL British soccer pitch very well indeed ..... Philip |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Are you unwell Jim? |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Philip: I'm fine, thanks for asking. I know, Lincoln Lions is pretty tacky. My high school team was the J.P. McCaskey Red Tornadoes and my college team the Crusaders. Any better? Jim P.S. Kaile, I really enjoyed your poem. Pardon Philp's & my banter. Feel free to jump in any time. |
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