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The Antique Shop
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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The Antique Shop |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563
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the shop was quaint, a squeaky old-fashioned spring held door led to rooms jammed to the rafters, the scent of a time long-past emanated from antiques of every sort imaginable. we had been there before, and it had not changed, it still held a charm and eccentricity all its own. we separated, as usual, and as I gently lifted a very old delicate, veined porcelain vase, I wondered why we did so, why we could not walk the congested aisles together, stopping when one of us spied a piece of interest, then sharing it with the other. focusing once more on the here and now, I felt the vase slipping from my fingers, And watched, as if in time frames, as it struck the floor, splintering, each fragment moving out from the point of impact, following it's own trajectory. I stood, staring at the shards, now at rest, and couldn't envision it whole again, then walked to the clerk, paid my due, and let the old, squeaky screen door announce my departure. Kristine < !signature--> Thoughts of a dry brain in a dry season ~ T.S. Eliot [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 02-13-2000).] |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hey Kris, "the shop was quaint, a squeaky old-fashioned spring held door led to rooms jammed to the rafters, the scent of a time long-past emanated from antiques of every sort imaginable. we had been there before, and it had not changed, it still held a charm and eccentricity all its own." VERY solid first stanza in my opinion. The only suggestion I have is the wording of "jammed to the rafters"...didn't give me a visual of cluttered. Also "antiques of every sort imaginable" I thought maybe could have been elaborated on and tied into as perhaps material things in the past of this relationship...just a thought. "we separated, as usual, and as I gently lifted a very old delicate, veined porcelain vase, I wondered why we did so, why we could not walk the congested aisles together, stopping when one of us spied a piece of interest, then sharing it with the other." I thought you made it too apparent or did it too quickly that this was about a relationship and as soon as you said you lifted the vase, I had a feeling of how the story would end. Perhaps consider writing the poem as a third person instead. "focusing once more on the here and now, I felt the vase slipping from my fingers, And watched, as if in time frames, as it struck the floor, splintering, each fragment moving out from the point of impact, following it's own trajectory. I stood, staring at the shards, now at rest, and couldn't envision it whole again, then walked to the clerk, paid my due, and let the old, squeaky screen door announce my departure." I thought the last three lines were excellent and wrapped up the story well. However I thought the story up until that point seemed a bit too forced, too contrived and the analogy a little too apparent, ie. "focusing on the here and now". I have a suggestion for one of the lines...hope you don't mind that I write it out....it was your words that inspired it so the blame is on you...like always  "And watched, as if in time frames," to maybe something like.... "And watched, as if visiting a gallery of framed time"....just an idea. ANyways, I liked the concept of the poem but I thought it wasn't subtle enough, thanks for the read and take care, Trevor the Canucklehead |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Kristine I have to say I didn’t have the same difficulty as Trevor, in fact in some ways I felt that you could maybe have made more than you did of the metaphor in this piece. “ a squeaky old-fashioned spring held door led to rooms jammed to the rafters, the scent of a time long-past emanated” started me thinking straight away that this was about more than just an old antique shop and that an ageing and tired relationship might be involved, and although i thought the language in both of the first two stanzas was very good I just felt that the second stanza seemed not to add very much to the progression. In essence you simply ponder the lack of togetherness and I just wondered whether something more could not be worked in at that point. The smashing of the relationship is well done and the impossibility of piecing it together again as is the penalty to be paid and the abrupt departure .. and yes I loved the ending. To sum up, I like the imagery throughout, but I just feel that you could perhaps “use” the metaphor a little more than you have done... Thanks Kris Philip |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
this reminds me of a relationship... can't really be imagined the way it was, you pay your dues, and leave. i thought the metaphors worked really well. to me, the wording in the first stanza is a little difficult to read, a little off balance. otherwise, i really liked the poem. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Canucklehead, I knew this would need some help, and I appreciate your input. I agee about it seeming a little forced, and also that the theme is too apparent. I'll work on it, and perhaps try it in the third person...see how it sounds. Thanks, Trev. Philip, I also thank you for reading, and for your comments. As I wrote to Trevor, I realize this needs work...still caught in that dry spell...nothing seems to be working. I will use your suggestion to expand the metaphor as I work on it. I'm glad the ending is decent, at least. Roxane, Thak you for reading and commenting. Sorry about the first stanza...going to rework the entire piece. Glad you liked the rest of it, though. Kristine Thoughts of a dry brain in a dry season ~ T.S. Eliot |
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