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My Hamlet
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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My Hamlet |
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Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA 
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My translation of a poem by V. Vysotsky. Just briefly, I’ll explain myself in verse, To tell you everything-- I do not have the might. I was conceived, the proper way, in curse, -- In sweat and tenseness of the wedding night. I knew, when separating from the earth. — The higher, the more harsh we got. I walked towards the throne that I deserved And acted like an heir in line of blood. I knew that everything would be just as I ruled. And I was never at a loss and never down. My mates of sword and those I knew from school Were loyal, like their fathers to the crown. I never gave my speech a bit of thought Into the wind, I threw my words without essence-- Like to a leader, trust to me was brought By noble and high-ranking adolescents. We made the guards feel restless in the night, From us, like from a pox, the time grew worse. I slept on leather; ate right off the knife-- With sirrups disciplined my wild, unruly horse. “Long live the King!” I’d hear the people cry And since my birth, I’ve worn the noble mark. Around chased harnesses, I would get high, Abuse of books and words I’d disregard I’d smile with my lips while being pestered. My mystic stare, which used to burn in fury, I’ve learned to hide, raised by a happy jester. And now the jester’s dead: “Amen!” Poor Yurik. And yet I disapproved of any sharing— Of gains, rewards and privileges one has. Then suddenly about life I’ve started caring And rode around the sprouts of grass, And I forgot the hunter’s thrill and passion, Began to hate the grayhounds and the steeds. And sped my horse away from all the action, I whipped the huntsmen to support my creed. I watched our games with every single night Turn more and more into disgrace of time And by the flowing rivers, I would hide And wash myself from staining filth and slime I started to perceive, while growing duller, I even missed my household’s affair. Towards the people of this era I grew colder, I’ve hid myself in books and lost all care. My brain, for wisdom, greedy like a spider, Grasped everything: and immobility and motion. But what is wit when one cannot apply it? When all around there’s an opposing notion? With friends I torn the tread and I was free-- The thread of Ariadne was but a scheme. I pondered on the words “to be or not to be,” A problem with no answer as it seemed. The sea of grief was splashing in diffusion We stood against it; we were sieving grain, And filtering the blurry resolution To a dilemma, which appeared inane. I heard my father’s call when clamor stopped, Walked forth, -- while lurking doubts gloomed. The weight of heavy thoughts would pull me up And wings of flesh would drag me to my tomb. Into a weak alloy, I’ve melted with each day, And barely cool, it’s started to diffuse. Like others, I’ve spilled blood and just like they I was incapable my vengeance to refuse. The rising before death -- was my collapse! Ophilia! My dear, I won’t decay... With killing, I have made myself, perhaps, An equal to one with whom I lay. I’m Hamlet, I despised injustice and abuse! I did not give a damn about the crown! But in their eyes, I hungered fame and I’m acused Of sending rivals of the throne into the ground. The striking splash appears as an illusion. And death through birth emerges from a side And we’re still asking a complex solution Not finding the question to abide. [This message has been edited by Master (edited 02-13-2000).] |
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doreen peri Member Elite
since 1999-05-25
Posts 3812Virginia |
Hi Master- Sorry it took me so long to get over here to CA.... had to fit in some much needed sleep. Since you asked me where I was stumbling when reading this poem, I went ahead and made a couple of what I would call "flow" edits, to show you what I meant. The stanzas not included here seem to flow very well. Some of these were minor changes, but I think if you read it aloud, you'll be able to see where I was stumbling and how these changes may help some. Let me know what you think, ok? Again, nice work and I congratulate you on your efforts to take on such a heavy subject as Hamlet. Let me know whether you think some of these stanzas read a bit smoother now... thanks for asking for my suggestions  -doreen-------------------------- edited verse: (added "ranked" and "that" to make the meter flow more smoothly. Also, "got" and "blood" are not perfect rhymes and I stumbled a bit there, so changed that some, too... although I don't remember whether Hamlet was the true blood heir or not.... LOL.... anyway, you get the idea... the changes I made have to do with meter & flow and how it sounds when reading it aloud) I knew, when separating from the earth. — The higher ranked, the more harsh that we got. I walked on towards the throne that I deserved And acted like the blood heir that I'm not. ________________________________________ edited verse: (the first two lines seemed too long to flow off the tongue with the last two lines. Changed "everything" to "all" in first line and removed a word in second line) I knew that all would be just as I ruled. And I was never at a loss or down. My mates of sword and those I knew from school Were loyal, like their fathers to the crown. ________________________________________ edited verse: (changed second line to make meter flow more smoothly) I never gave my speech a bit of thought. Into the wind, I spoke my very essence-- Like to a leader, trust to me was brought By noble and high-ranking adolescents. ________________________________________ didn't edit this one but....(the last line in this stanza seems off.... a syllable too long or something wrong with the accents of the words.... so it doesn't read as smooth as it could... no suggestion atm) We made the guards feel restless in the night, From us, like from a pox, the time grew worse. I slept on leather; ate right off the knife-- With sirrups disciplined my wild, unruly horse. ________________________________________ edited verse: (changed first word of second line to "e'er" instead of "all".... the last line, changed "abuse of books and" to "And delve in books whose". Also added period to end.  )“Long live the King!” I’d hear the people cry E'er since my birth, I’ve worn the noble mark! Around chased harnesses, I would get high, And delve in books whose words I’d disregard. ________________________________________ didn't make any changes but....Something's wrong with the tenses here. "I'd" is past tense..... "I've" is future tense. Take some time to go through and make sure tenses match throughout poem. I’d smile with my lips while being pestered. My mystic stare, which used to burn in fury, I’ve learned to hide, raised by a happy jester. And now the jester’s dead: “Amen!” Poor Yurik. ________________________________________ edited verse: same thing in the below stanza.... the tenses were off, so I edited the 3rd line to make them agree.... also made a change to the number of syllables in that same line to help with the flow. Also changed "sprouts" to "fields and reeds".... the line wasn't long enough in syllables. And yet I disapproved of any sharing— Of gains, rewards and privileges one has. Then suddenly for life I started caring And rode around the fields and reeds of grass. ________________________________________ edited verse: second line needed to be longer in # of syllables to flow correctly. Added the word "own". Third line, changed "towards" to "toward", removed the word "the" and changed "this" era to "my" era. Again, last line didn't match in the tense, so I changed "I've" to "I" to be in agreement with the past tense voice of the rest of the piece. I started to perceive, while growing duller, I even missed my own household’s affair. Toward people of my era I grew colder, I hid myself in books and lost all care. ________________________________________ didn't make any changes, but I think the second line needs editing. It is off somewhere in meter and number of syllables to make it flow right. I definitely stumble on the word "immobility".... sorry, no suggestion atm. My brain, for wisdom, greedy like a spider, Grasped everything: and immobility and motion. But what is wit when one cannot apply it? When all around there’s an opposing notion? ________________________________________ edited verse: (first line, changed "torn" to "tore". Third line, removed the words "on the") With friends I tore the tread and I was free-- The thread of Ariadne was but a scheme. I pondered words “to be or not to be,” A problem with no answer as it seemed. ________________________________________ edited verse: (third line, changed "doubts gloomed" to "doubts did ache and gloom") I heard my father’s call when clamor stopped, Walked forth, -- while lurking doubts did ache and gloom. The weight of heavy thoughts would pull me up And wings of flesh would drag me to my tomb. ________________________________________ didn't make any changes, but something about the last line doesn't work, I think, in regards to meter and flow.... it's too long. Also, the tense isn't right.... doesn't match and agree with the past tense voice. Into a weak alloy, I’ve melted with each day, And barely cool, it’s started to diffuse. Like others, I’ve spilled blood and just like they I was incapable my vengeance to refuse. ________________________________________ edited verse: (changed the apostrophe to an exclamation point to help the reader stop there, then go on.... minor point.... also added the word "have"... this verse moves the reader into the present tense..... prior to this, everything should match and agree in past tense) I’m Hamlet! I have despised injustice and abuse! I did not give a damn about the crown! But in their eyes, I hungered fame and I’m acused Of sending rivals of the throne into the ground. ________________________________________ edited verse: (edited third and fourth lines to help with meter and flow of syllables & stresses) The striking splash appears as an illusion. And death through birth emerges from a side. Yet we still ask for clear and deft solution Not finding answers which we can abide. |
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Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA |
Dori, thank you so much. THis was very useful to me and I've made many edits that you proposed. I can see that you've put a lot of time and thought into these suggestions. again thank you! |
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