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But Of This.. I'm Sure
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But Of This.. I'm Sure |
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shock gospel Junior Member
since 2000-02-02
Posts 33 |
"But Of This.. I'm Sure" Draw the juice from the sapling, of a young apple tree. The apple that should be.. will never be seen. If a seed left unplanted, from the Wind, gets no help. Will the souls of Gods loved ones.. end up in hell? Take the cry from a baby, and you'll never know, that the baby is hungry.. she needs food to grow. Take the Spirit of God.. and remove Him from earth, Would all made of flesh.. return to the dirt? When the cries of the poor, are no longer heard.. will that be the fulfillment.. of Gods mighty word! Give up your Life to save many souls.. Jesus cried Father.. is there another way to go. Give life to a dead man, and tell him it's free, will he say, thank you Jesus.. or criticize me. So many choices and decisions to make. But of this.. I'm sure, When I give God my spirit.. My spirit, He'll take. |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello, Though I'm not big on religious themes I'll try to be a little impartial. "Draw the juice from the sapling, of a young apple tree. The apple that should be.. will never be seen. If a seed left unplanted, from the Wind, gets no help. Will the souls of Gods loved ones.. end up in hell?" The first line seems more of a mild harvest then an actual destruction that seems to be hinted at in the following two lines. The "unplanted" line seemed to be ackwardly worded, perhaps something like, "If the Wind leaves a seed unplanted" or "If a seed, unplanted, by the Wind, receives no help.". Also the "..."s in the second last line don't seem needed. "Take the cry from a baby, and you'll never know, that the baby is hungry.. she needs food to grow." I liked the idea and metaphor that you used but I thought the wording could be a little tighter. Also once again I thought the "..."s could be chopped, might as well apply this opinion to all the "..."s in this poem. "Take the Spirit of God.. and remove Him from earth, Would all made of flesh.. return to the dirt?" Well from a religious perspective God has no Spirit nor soul so perhaps different wording is needed. The last two lines seem out of sync in length, consider something like "Would all flesh/return to dust?" or "Would all flesh be/returned to the dirt?", just an idea. "When the cries of the poor, are no longer heard.. will that be the fulfillment.. of Gods mighty word!" Kinda liked this part. However I think you overuse the word God and Jesus in this poem. We kinda already know who you are talking about after the first "God". Sometimes letting the reader know things without "flat out" telling them is more enjoyable. Give the reader the credit they deserve, you don't have to blatently spell out everything. "Give up your Life to save many souls.. Jesus cried Father.. is there another way to go. Give life to a dead man, and tell him it's free, will he say, thank you Jesus.. or criticize me." The meter seemed a tad off in this section also I thought the last few lines were confusing. It first sounds like God telling Jesus to raise the dead then it jumps to Jesus responding??? Who will they criticize, you or Jesus or God? Consider rewording to make the story more clear and the speaker more present. "So many choices and decisions to make. But of this.. I'm sure, When I give God my spirit.. My spirit, He'll take." So many "........."s, really distracting! Consider using line breaks and commas instead. The ending was actually pretty good and one of the stronger parts of this poem. All in all I gotta be honest, I didn't really like the poem. I think it was because there was no subtlty in the poem, it was all in the reader's face, no thinking really involved. Consider eliminating some of the direct mentions to God, though not entirely. Remember, one of the most effective ways of teaching is to make someone forget they are actually learning. ANyways, that ends my thoughts on the poem, thanks for the read, take care, Trevor |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Hey Shock: I, personally, don't mind religious poetry. The danger that I see many people fall into is an over use of "Christian-ese". These are words that you may hear in every service you attend that evokes any number of images for you but fails to do the same for non-Christians or non-Evangelicals. Camus said it best, I think (and Camus was an agnostic): "Let your message be loud and clear so that even the simplest man will be left with no doubt as to what you are saying." The quote might not be perfect but if you're interested in reading the transcripts an excellent speech by Camus email me and I'll give you the reference. "Draw the juice from the sapling, of a young apple tree. The apple that should be.. will never be seen." Trevor pointed out, rightly I think, that your use of elipses ("...") tend to be distracting. Furthermore your comma usage is sometimes either incorrect or unnecessary. "Draw the juice" immediately had me thinking of apple juice. Perhaps "Draw the sap" would make what you are trying to say here more clear or better yet "Take an ax to the apple tree ...". "If a seed left unplanted, from the Wind, gets no help. Will the souls of Gods loved ones.. end up in hell?" It seems to me that this could be condensed into one sentence: "If a seed is exposed to the wind without help will the soul's of God's loved ones be cast into hell?" I think this tightens up the meter some. What do you think? This portion is also an example of what I mentioned you should be cautious about when using Biblical allusion in your poetry. The "seed" could be a reference to any one of several of Jesus'' parables. To me the image is strong (I know what the seed represents). But to a reader who knows nothing of Christianity what clue do you give them that the "seed" is a metaphor for the Christian Good News? "Take the cry from a baby, and you'll never know, that the baby is hungry.. she needs food to grow." I liked this analogy. Just don't overuse those elipses and get rid of the commas.  Commas are usually used when there is either more than one modifier to a noun or verb or to set apart a clause from the rest of a sentence. As a general rule, when you use the commas to set a clause apart from the rest of the sentence you should be able to yank the entire clause out of the sentence and what remains should continue to read smoothly. "Take the Spirit of God.. and remove Him from earth, Would all made of flesh.. return to the dirt?" I understand Trevor's misunderstanding of the "Spirit of God" statement and I think it illustrates my point rather well concerning the use of Biblical allusion in poetry. I think this example is a relatively minor one but keep his misunderstanding of something as relatively "simple" like this in mind when you write a religious poem. "When the cries of the poor, are no longer heard.. will that be the fulfillment.. of Gods mighty word!" Again comma use and elipses. Perhaps rephrased: "When the cries of the poor are no longer heard that will mark the fulfillment of God's mighty Word." Remember "God's" possessive rather than plural and capitalize "Word" in the context you are using it. Again, be cautious of Biblical allusion. This is a somewhat vague reference to Evangelical Christian eschatology. You might want to be more specific ... there is nothing wrong with a poem doing a little teaching. "Give up your Life to save many souls.. Jesus cried Father.. is there another way to go." This is stacked with Biblical allusion. If I'm not mistaken this is a reference to Jesus' emotional struggle in Gethsemene shortly before his arrest, trial and execution in Jerusalem. I know this because I am familiar with the text. You may want to try to give the reader more to work with here. Again, commma and elipses use. "Give life to a dead man, and tell him it's free, will he say, thank you Jesus.. or criticize me." The answer to that depends on whether you can explain what you mean to the tough minded critic. If you asked someone "Are you saved?" and they answered "Saved from what?" what would you say? If "Jesus is the answer" what is the question? Try to explain more than allude, especially with a subject like this. It will have a greater impact. "So many choices and decisions to make. But of this.. I'm sure, When I give God my spirit.. My spirit, He'll take" Again comma and elipses use. Assume I don't know what it means to "give God my spirit" and see if you can reword this portion. There is nothing wrong with inspirational or devotional poetry. Just ask Milton, Donne and Pope. But we live in a different day and age where Biblical education is not something we can assume people have had. I suggest you keep this in mind when writing this kind of poetry. I agree with a good bit of the message but if I didn't have my education, research and training to tap into then I wouldn't know what you were saying here. Just my opinion. Later. The Whiffling JimBouderWocky [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 02-04-2000).] |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
"Education ... Research .. Training" ......... rotflmao !!!!!!!!!!  Brad (Ron) you've created a monster ... er .... oops ........ guess everyone's favourite jabberwock was one already ...... Later* P * I'm told (by a well educated, researched and trained personage) that this is the kewl and fashionable adieu PS I do have some things to say about the poem .... back later .... really [This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 02-04-2000).] |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
I hereby nominate Philip for the position of Court Jester of Critical Analysis. Any seconds? |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Hey .. foul ... I just added three more winky things .. and anyway i thought your critique was masterly ... ~smile~ P Since when has CA been a "court" your Majesty? Before I accept the inevitable ..lol please confirm that the office is more senior than that of Moderator .. [This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 02-04-2000).] |
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Drucilla Junior Member
since 2000-02-07
Posts 14 |
Regaurdless of the above opinions, I think that your poem is good. I am a bit of a religion goo-roo. I do, however, agree that the word God was a bit over used. But the message was powerful and rises above any errors. Keep up the writing and never let anyone's opinion discurage you! Drucilla |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
I love it, great job! |
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