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Combusting in Rain
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Combusting in Rain |
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Local Rebel Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-21
Posts 5767Southern Abstentia 
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Rain falls into the summer glade Night passing like a train yawning Whistles into mist You and I the fireflies dodging drops of dew dripping from lofty branches Lofty branches spreading thick across midnight stars Cloud obscured and moon waning behind dawdling vapors sprinkling down rain like teardrops Fireflies drifting in summer current beating wings against wind to reach brightly beckoning desires, thorax fires combusting in rain Rain drops between us like rivers Waiting for another fire burst to signal Beating against wind to beckoning thorax fires combusting in summer rain The night whistles on into the glade Fading fire Flies in the wind combusting in rain < !signature--> How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it. -Marcus Aurelius [This message has been edited by Local Rebel (edited 02-07-2000).] |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Very nice work, Rebel. The imagery is beautiful...and unique. You do have a talent with words, sir. Kristine |
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Local Rebel Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-21
Posts 5767Southern Abstentia |
Thanks warmhrt -- however, I'm not particularly satisfied with this one. It reads forced and flat. The fire in this one doesn't seem to ignite. It just kind of fizzles to me. Like -- well, combusting in rain.. LOL Twas posted here specifically to get sliced and diced -- so poets -- get out your cutlery and have me for dinner... please... [This message has been edited by Local Rebel (edited 01-31-2000).] |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Rebel, I would leave out the second "lofty branches", and combine those two stanzas. I don't care for "dawdling" and I know you can do better than "rain like teardrops". In the fourth stanza, lose "brightly". I'd also lose the fifth and last stanza, tightening it up...more impact. It's a great poem, as I said above, but this could make it even better. Kristine |
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faith Member
since 2000-01-31
Posts 89 |
Hey that was beautiful....excellent metaphors!  i love it! faith! |
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fc Member
since 2000-01-18
Posts 130 |
well, lol it does not ignite, but it fits the title perfectly... the emotion is there, the images, and it is wisfull, longing....not every poem has to ignite, this one still comes across very strong..... |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello Rebel, "Rain falls into the summer glade Night passing like a train yawning Whistles into mist" I really liked the first stanza a lot. It flowed well and the wording was veryt unique and interesting. "You and I the fireflies dodging drops of dew dripping from lofty branches" This too was a pretty good stanza. "Lofty branches spreading thick across midnight stars Cloud obscured and moon waning behind dawdling vapors sprinkling down rain like teardrops." Though you repeated "lofty branches" and started the next stanza with it, I still thought it really worked well for this poem. I think the first three lines of this stanza are excellent though I'm wondering if "Cloud" is supposed to have a capital or not? Intentional? "The moon waning" is kind of cliched as well as "rain like teardrops.". The confusing part about this stanza I found to be that you first mention the stars hidden by clouds then you say there is a vapour (which I'm interpreting as clouds again) sprinking down rain. Seemed an unnecessary repetition of ideas that were stuck there just for the wording. Perhaps combine the two thoughts on the same thing or completely eliminate one or the other., ie. "Lofty branches spreading thick across midnight stars obscured behind dawdling vapors sprinkling down rain like teardrops." Just an idea...I also liked "dawdling vapors". "Fireflies drifting in summer current beating wings against wind to reach brightly beckoning desires, thorax fires combusting in rain" This is a confusing stanza too. Don't get more caught up in descriptions so as to forget about keeping with a story line or theme (unless abstract or something like abstract). You say "Fireflies drifting in the summer current", then next line, "beating wings against the wind". The way it jumped from one to another I couldn't tell what you meant by it? Are these two seperate analogies or one large one? If its supposed to be one then consider eliminating the second line. "Rain drops between us like rivers" Short and simple yet layered enough to be very interesting. "Waiting for another fire burst to signal" I think that stanza is where the poem starts to "flatten out" a bit. "Beating against wind to beckoning thorax fires combusting in summer rain" To much of a repetition of an earlier stanza. Seemed unnecessary to repeat this. "The night whistles on into the glade" This also seemed to be a repeat. Consider trying to grab another description for the night continuing. "Fading fire Flies in the wind combusting in rain" The ending also seemed a bit "flat". It didn't seem to tie up the theme all that well. Almost seemed a repeat of what was said a couple of stanzas before. Anyways, I really liked the first half of the poem but the second half became too repetitious. Thanks for the read. Take care, Trevor |
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Local Rebel Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-21
Posts 5767Southern Abstentia |
Thanks for all the suggestions everyone... on further review though... I think the best thing I can do for this one is to allow it to rest in peace... Hate is a dead thing. Who of you would be a tomb? -Kahlil Gibran |
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patchoulipumpkin Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 196Bermuda |
I found this an up and down read. I was brought in by the first stanza, but then sidetracked at its end, with "whistles into mist". It seemed like something was being said, but then diverted, or not explained enough. Especially in the transition from the second to third stanza, it just seems to stop and start again. Considering you mention you will let this one rest in peace, i will stop any further comments, and if it is indeed your wish, hope it has a nice rest. |
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Shelley Member
since 2000-01-27
Posts 263Ohio, USA |
I found this very captivating up until "Rain drops between us like rivers. I love that line! But then it just left me hanging wanting to go higher. If that makes any sense. I liked the imagery. Quite unique! |
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Drucilla Junior Member
since 2000-02-07
Posts 14 |
I absolutely loved "Combusting Rain"! It conjured vivid pictures of the blurred memories. I could smell the rain as I read. I could see the fireflys vainly attempting to hide from the rain in the night. You may think that it is flat, but it has served it's purpose. It has made at least one person think and begin to remember a past that is still long forgot. Drucilla |
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