»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
A Thin Voice
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
A Thin Voice |
|
|
warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563
|
she wouldn't eat, she wouldn't talk, she was without insulation in her cold world. taut skin mounted, stretched across a bony framework, thin dry epidermis the only buffer for her heart and soul, keeping them from being ripped out of her by that which she so feared. her family said that she was but a shadow of the woman she'd been. cast on these hallway walls, she hung silently, or disappeared in the darkness of her room, resolute in her chosen path, it seemed, unreachable, untouchable, shrieking at any violation of her safety zone. I heard she had begun to eat, tiny portions with a spoon. she stood in the hallway, the vacuous look gone from her eyes, I approached, seeing no apparent fear, and said, hello. barely audible, in a voice as thin as her body, she said, hello, in reply. I asked how she was feeling, and, amazingly, a story began to pour out of this vessel of skin and bones, the voice seeking and finding a reserve of strength, as she told me how it felt to lose a child. she ended with, you smell like fire, and then walked quickly away. as I walked to the desk, I felt my cigarettes in my pocket, and heard her words echo in my head, I wanted to know more. in her chart, history finally filled, I read, stunned, of a woman being pulled from a house up in flame, unscathed, but they could not reach her only son. Kristine "We of the craft are all crazy..." Lord Byron |
||
| © Copyright 2000 warmhrt - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Powerful ending and your build up reminds me more of Coleridge than Byron (Yeah, I read the signatures as well you know). Still, I felt a certain distance that I think can be alleviated by dropping some of the comments in the beginning: by that which she so feared. -- don't think that's necesary her family said that she was but a shadow of the woman she'd been. --I think this gives the wrong implication hear and thought you were heading in an anorexic direction. cast on these hallway walls, she hung silently, or disappeared in the darkness of her room, resolute in her chosen path, it seemed, unreachable, untouchable, shrieking at any violation of her safety zone. --your telling us what she's doing but not really showing us and since it is from the doctor's point of view, how does he know all this. I think if you just stuck with description here, you can create a more poignant effect. Anyway, stuff like that. I loved 'you smell like fire' Thanks, Brad |
||
|
Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello Kristine, "she wouldn't eat, she wouldn't talk, she was without insulation in her cold world." Perhaps consider changing the "wouldn't"s to "would not", might give a more absolute feel to it. Also consider eliminating "was" from the third and adding a line change and comma... "she would not eat, she would not talk, she, without isolation in her cold world." Just a suggestion to help inspire change if you felt that it might need some...either way, that part of the stanza does work. "taut skin mounted, stretched across a bony framework, thin dry epidermis the only buffer for her heart and soul," Maybe consider using something other than "heart and soul". That's been used so many times that to even say that phrase is cliched, is cliched  "keeping them from being ripped out of her by that which she so feared. her family said that she was but a shadow of the woman she'd been." Personally I thought "ripped out" was too harsh a description for the subtle and softness of the poem, but maybe that's what you were going for? "cast on these hallway walls, she hung silently, or disappeared in the darkness of her room, resolute in her chosen path, it seemed, unreachable, untouchable, shrieking at any violation of her safety zone." I'm going to have to agree with Brad on this part and also add that I thought the wording on this was confusing. "I heard she had begun to eat, tiny portions with a spoon. she stood in the hallway, the vacuous look gone from her eyes, I approached, seeing no apparent fear, and said, hello. barely audible, in a voice as thin as her body," Pretty good section, the only suggestion I have is maybe put "thin as her body" in parenthesis and give it a seperate line. Might help to increase a reader's feeling of hearing a "thin voice"..... "and said, hello. barely audible, in a voice as (thin as her body)," or "and said, hello. barely audible, in a voice; (thin as her body)," Dunno...just an idea. "she said, hello, in reply." "in reply" seemed unnecessary since the reader can easily pick up on the fact that it was a reply. Perhaps consider changing it to "she replied, hello", maybe even give "hello" a line to itself. "I asked how she was feeling, and, amazingly, a story began to pour out of this vessel of skin and bones, the voice seeking and finding a reserve of strength, as she told me how it felt to lose a child. she ended with, you smell like fire, and then walked quickly away. as I walked to the desk, I felt my cigarettes in my pocket, and heard her words echo in my head, I wanted to know more. in her chart, history finally filled, I read, stunned, of a woman being pulled from a house up in flame, unscathed, but they could not reach her only son." The last stanza and a half of this poem really shines. I thought it to be excellent....and the ending...tied it all up so wonderfully. The only suggestion I have...and it's so minor that I almost hate to mention it (add up a lot of minor things and eventually ya get a major), but consider another line break after "stunned" and eliminate the "of" on the next line... "I wanted to know more. in her chart, history finally filled, I read, stunned: a woman being pulled from a house up in flame, unscathed, but they could not reach her only son." Just an idea...probably not a good one at that but hey, what do I know?  Anyways to cap off this critique I'd just like to say that this is a great poem that ya might be able to tweak up a little. Thanks for the read and take care, Trevor |
||
|
jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Kris: This was remarkably moving. I suppose when you have a child (or children) the fear of something like what you describe happening to you is enough to stun you momentarily (you had me thinking of my own little boys for a minute there). You painted a vivid picture in the first stanza; it provided me with a good introductory picture. But, "by that which she so feared" I think could be shortened to "by what she feared". All the extra words sound off like a sticcato to me and I think the shortened phrase reads easier and tells as much. "her family said that she was but a shadow of the woman she'd been." This, together with the first stanza, led me down the anorexia path. I disagree with Brad that this is a "wrong implication". I believe the anorexia is certainly something that contribute to the woman being a shadow of what she had been; the rest of the picture is yet to be revealed. "she ended with, you smell like fire, and then walked quickly away." Excellent transition. And now the rest of the picture: "I read, stunned, of a woman being pulled from a house up in flame, unscathed, but they could not reach her only son." Very good job with this, Kris. Very moving poem. Thanks. Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Kris, I see our esteemed moderators have already disected this one, so I won't try (actually I rarely attempt to make critical comment on such works anyway) but you did paint a vivid picture. Gads, it seem like I just keep telling you the same thing over and over. You probably get tired of that but I guess that's what I usually see in your poetry. Your descriptions are so good and fluent (is that the right word? probably not but I hope you understand) that the picture is what always stands out for me. Like Brad, I first thought you were going toward anorexia. Then I caught "to lose a child" and was somewhat mentally lost until the surprise ending. Very good turn there. Thanks. Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
||
|
warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
T H I S W A S A T E S T O N L Y A T E S T Seriously, thank you all three of our esteemed moderators, for reading and commenting. Interrresting...hmmmmm... Pete, I thank you so very much, as I feel that is what a poet should do, paint a picture with chosen words. If I'm doing that, I'm thrilled. I appreciate your kindness. Kristine < !signature--> "If I can ease one life the aching, Or cool one pain,... I shall not live in vain" - Emily Dickinson [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 02-03-2000).] |
||
|
roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
this is incredible. i have to say that this is the best of yours that i have read. i really love the ending, but i think that the rest of the poem is so wonderfully strong that it just gives me chills reading it. i think the line about "she hung" is kind of confusing, because at first i thought that you were saying she hung herself. i did reconsider it thinking that it was way too early to possibly have the main character die. this is a wonderful poem though. you might want to put "you smell like fire" in quotes though. i want to also say how glad i am that this is not a poem about anorexia. it was refreshing, but still intensely sad. |
||
kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
hi there,i am new to poetry so i won't even think of analyzing your poem.instead i shall just tell you how i felt... you painted a picture of this woman who was sheltered in her own world--not even her family could penetrate.....and ended with the reader knowing that she had lost her son to a fire----my heart soft of skipped a beat when i read that(you get what i mean?) i like poems which allow me to picture the scenes and attempt to experience the complexity of emotions for myself...and i think u did a great job") |
||
|
Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Hi Kristine .. sorry its taken so long to get here .. I agree with Roxane, this is one of the best poems I have seen from you, very poignant. The phrase "ripped out" I actually thought was appropriate, I do not see the poem as soft at all .. in fact the total effect is to convey the pain and anguish of life and its losses. Furthermore I liked: "cast on these hallway walls, she hung silently, or disappeared in the darkness of her room, resolute in her chosen path, it seemed, unreachable, untouchable, shrieking at any violation of her safety zone." On a first reading I admittedly did not immediately grasp the meaning, but who wants to always see everything on a first reading? However I liked the phrase "cast on these hallway walls, she hung silently," and I came back to it again and the vision it conjured for me was of a shadow haunting (hanging in) long hallways listless, wan, alone. Very nice. Also the fact that this was a "doctor's" view didn't bother me at all. A sensitive practitioner could, it appears to me, easily conjecture along the lines you write. perhaps more importantly the whole piece came over to me as having been written a "first hand" .. in my view the power of it suggests strongly that this is an experience that the writer has actually had. I have only one small concern and it is not really a concern so much as a query. The final line of the first stanza “by that which she so feared”. stands out because it comes early in the poem and it immediately provoked the query in the reader’s mind ... what is it that is feared? I think that it is important that, if you are to leave that line in, then by the end of the poem the question is answered in some form or other .. I was going to say unambiguously but on reflection perhaps an ambiguous answer might be even better. As it is I THINK that the answer is that she fears fire .. is that what you had in mind? Kristine this was good .. thank you Philip |
||
|
warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Roxane and Kaile Thanks so much for you're kind comments. I'm pleased that you liked this, and that it relayed it's picture and feeling. Philip, I'm flattered that you think so highly of this, especially after reading your poem from Open#5. This was first-hand, but not a doctor, but by a therapist. I used hung because in the two lines previous, I had described her as a shadow, then "cast on...", still attempting to use the shadow image. That which she so feared was life itself...perhaps I could add something to make that clearer. Later on, I also had "resolute in her chosen path", meaning choosing to die, as the pain of living had become too great for her; she was very deeply depressed. She really touched me, though, and she did recover enough to return home. Thanks again, Philip, Kris "If I can ease one life the aching, Or cool one pain,... I shall not live in vain" - Emily Dickinson |
||
|
Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Kris very foolish of me to miss the fear of life itself it was of course well "signposted"  and thanks for the rest of your explanation P |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
