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The Light
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The Light |
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sweet_angel New Member
since 2000-02-01
Posts 1 |
The little girl steps into the light outstretching her hands towards the sky she pleads to the Heavens above "Oh Lord, please, bring me home, I do not want to be here anymore" There is just sorrowing silence in response She turns to her dark, desolate world she grows The adolescent girl staggers into the light Thrusts the bottle towards the sky and rages to the Heavens above "WILL YOU TAKE ME NOW, OH LORD?! I do not wish to stay another moment in this cruel world!" she hears a distant cry of sorrow but still the response is silence She cries again to the Heavens above "Oh Lord, if you shall not love me then I shall not either. I will poison my body inflicting all the hatred I feel toward myself. Oh Lord if you shall not take me now. I WILL TAKE MY OWN LIFE!!" Still she hears nothing..... Now a blossoming woman strolls into the light looks up at the sky and prays to the Heavens above "Oh Lord forgive me for my sins, love me, for my love flows for you freely Care for me and guide me with your amazing strength For I am ready to follow you." She listens, but hears nothing she turns to leave but feels a strong hand rest upon her shoulder and for the first time the girl inside her smiled. hearing the birds sing and smelling the sweet scent of the crisp cool air She turns to step out of the light but this time the light did not leave her it followed and she new her life had begun. |
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| © Copyright 2000 sweet_angel - All Rights Reserved | |||
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Sweet: Welcome to Passions and welcome to Critical Analysis. I must forewarn you that this particular forum encourages constructive criticism and discussion and we all sometimes hear things we don't want to here about our poetry. Furthermore, none of us are the final authorities on poetry in here. We are just trying to help. That said, there were many things I liked about this writing. It was certainly inspirational. But I think it would read much better in a paragraphical prose format than in the free-verse poetry format you chose. This is my suggestion: "The little girl steps into the light, outstretching her hands towards the sky, and, pleading to the Heavens above, "Oh Lord, please, bring me home. I do not want to be here anymore" "There is just sorrowing silence in response She [returns] to her dark, desolate world. She grows. "The adolescent girl staggers into the light, thrusts the bottle towards the sky and rages to the Heavens above, "WILL YOU TAKE ME NOW, OH LORD?! I do not wish to stay another moment in this cruel world!" "She hears a distant cry of sorrow but still the response is silence. She cries again to the Heavens above, "Oh Lord, if you shall not love me then I shall not either. I will poison my body inflicting all the hatred I feel toward myself. Oh Lord if you shall not take me now I WILL TAKE MY OWN LIFE!!" "Still she hears nothing. "Now a blossoming woman strolls into the light, looks up at the sky, and prays to the Heavens above, "Oh Lord forgive me for my sins, love me, for my love flows for [You][realy] care for me and guide me with your amazing strength. I am ready to follow you." "She listens, but hears nothing she turns to leave but feels a strong hand rest upon her shoulder and for the first time the girl inside her smiled. Hearing the birds sing and smelling the sweet scent of the crisp cool air, she turns to step out of the light but this time the light did not leave her. It followed and she new her life had begun." You are certainly free to disagree with me here. This seems, though, to have more of the characteristics of prose than of poetry. There may be those who disagree with me in here but I tend to think that there is more that separates free-verse from prose than line breaks. Just my opinion. Welcome, again, to Passions and to CA. Jim [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 02-02-2000).] |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
i can't believe that you didn't get any replies on this. the only thing that i didn't like was the use of "shall", because it seems kind of out of place with the rest of the poem. otherwise i think that it was a very realistic interpretation of faith in god, and very moving. |
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Ted Reynolds Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331 |
The flow of poetry through this site is so rapid that few of us can see everything, or have something meaningful to say to everything. Our silence (like God's in that way) doesn't mean we don't care, or appreciate. Your writing is clear and sincere. Jim's right, it may be prose, but putting things in categories is secondary. Look through the forums, and see which have the kind of writing you'd most like yours nestled in with. And welcome. |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
hi there,i am new to poetry,so there is still a lot of things i have to explore for myself.... i intrepreted this poem as a girl who grows up hating the world(don't we all face this stage to some extent or otner?)and being disappointed in God.this young lady grows up, matures and all her anger mellows a bit--her faith in God grows too... is my intrepretation right??do enlighten moi if you intended this poem to have a different intrepretation.... regret to say i can't give you a warm welcome cos i am a new member here myself..Ha!")  |
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