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shock gospel
Junior Member
since 2000-02-02
Posts 33


0 posted 2000-02-02 01:31 PM


             "What's a Woman For"
What's a woman for? in Gods eyes she's surly adored.
She's soft and gentle, merciful and kind, when God made woman, what was on his mind?
What's a woman for, have men screwed it up once more, reducing Gods young ladies, in their hearts, to nothing but common whores.
What's a woman for, what did God whant men to see?
Was it mercy, that men would sell for silver, or compassion so deep, even a strong man would quiver.
What's a woman for? what part of God's displayed?
And if God took woman back from man, to get them back, what would men trade?
What's a woman for? come on guys we gotta get this straight, 'cause any guy facing God, for beating
down a woman, well hell, what more need I say.
What's a woman for? well I've pondered this question in God and when he shows me in his spirit, all that woman was to be, I can't help but stand there in awe!
What's a woman for! she was made to be a queen, whose beauty could sway the decisions of kings, whose love was so sought men offer up rings, and don't forget through their wombs, Gods creation he brings.
God show me please what a woman's for, and don't let me ever forget..
For to live on this earth, without the love of a woman, is something I'm sure men regret.



© Copyright 2000 shock gospel - All Rights Reserved
Trevor
Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700
Canada
1 posted 2000-02-02 03:01 PM


Hello and welcome to Critical Analysis,

I have to say that I liked the concept and theme of the poem, even the seldom used format however I thought the wording could use tightening and be careful of typos.

"What's a woman for? in Gods eyes she's surly adored.
She's soft and gentle, merciful and kind, when God made woman, what was on his mind? "

Pretty good opening couple of lines. I think that"surly" might be spelled "surely". The flow is nice but the rhyme didn't seem to fit perfectly with the meter...or perhaps the format.

"What's a woman for, have men screwed it up once more, reducing Gods young ladies, in their hearts, to nothing but common whores."

I found that "Gods" (should probably be "God's") seemed unnecessary to have in there again at this point. You've already established twice that they are "God's" women. Also this section should probably end with a question mark.

"What's a woman for, what did God whant men to see?
Was it mercy, that men would sell for silver, or compassion so deep, even a strong man would quiver."

"whant" should probably be "want", minor stuff but typos often distract the reader from the poem. I really liked how the theme came out in this section....what would men do to posess these "heavenly creatures", what would they sacrafice to know and have a woman? Also I liked the use of "God" in this section, seemed to fit more than the last one.

"What's a woman for? what part of God's displayed?
And if God took woman back from man, to get them back, what would men trade?"

You might want to consider changing "God's" (the posessive) to "God is" (the something else term which I forget...passive??? dunno the tech. name). Once again I liked how the theme rang through on this section. I thought the second use of "God" could have been changed to perhaps "He or She" and you might want to consider changing the double use of the word "back" seperated only by a few words.


"What's a woman for? come on guys we gotta get this straight, 'cause any guy facing God, for beating
down a woman, well hell, what more need I say."

Again I like the message of this part, but I thought the wording didn't suit the rest of the poem. Perhaps it's because you used "gotta" and "'cause" and "beating down" and "well hell". It seemed more slang'ish then the rest of the poem. Now I think slang is an excellent tool in poetry (and writing in general), however, I didn't find its use here added anything to your poem.

"What's a woman for? well I've pondered this question in God and when he shows me in his spirit, all that woman was to be, I can't help but stand there in awe!"

To fit with the style of the poem you might want to consider capitalising "well". I thought the flow was a bit "off" in this section, though it could just be the way I was reading it. Once again, like most of this poem, I really liked the message you are conveying, however, once again, I thought the wording could've been tightened. Perhaps consider eliminating "in God" and capitalising "he", I think by now the reader knows who you are talking about. Also consider a line change after or before "and" to give the reader a little breathing space.

"What's a woman for! she was made to be a queen, whose beauty could sway the decisions of kings, whose love was so sought men offer up rings, and don't forget through their wombs, Gods creation he brings."

I'm curious if the first statement is rhetorical or a question...if rhetorical then the exclamation mark works, if not then consider changing it to a question mark. Also maybe capitalize "she". "Gods" might be "God's" unless you are talking in plurals also to suit the biblical theme you might want to consider capitalising "he". I really liked the flow and rhyme in this section.

"God show me please what a woman's for, and don't let me ever forget.."

This part didn't really make sense all that much to me because you already said that God had shown what women was to be and now you are asking after the fact to show you again? Perhaps a conflict in continuity?

"For to live on this earth, without the love of a woman, is something I'm sure men regret."

Not a bad closer, however consider adding the word "would" in after "men". "I'm sure men (or man) would regret." Might be more appropriate with the idea of God taking back all the women. Just an idea.

Now since this is your first post here I'd just like to add that this critique is about your poem and not really directed towards you personally. Our goal here is to help each other grow as poets and to encourage discussion between author and reader and reader and author. Also I'd like to add that there is a "courtesy clause" here and that it might be not only courteous to respond to other people's work while you post your own but might also be in your best interest....I've always found that the best way to get my back scratched was to first scratch someone else's back   There is more info on the "mission statement" of Critical Analysis at the entrance to the Forums....just click the hard to find little question mark that coincides with CA on the right hand side of your screen.

Anyways, once again welcome to CA, glad to have read your poem, really enjoyed the theme but thought the wording could use some "tightening", take care and I look forward to reading more of your work in the future.
Trevor

Poertree
Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359
UK
2 posted 2000-02-02 03:06 PM


SG Hello

A first post in the Critical Analysis Forum is a brave thing to do, even more so with quite an "unusual" poem about what could be quite a "hot" subject.

This is Critical Analysis .. we aim to critique the poetry not the poet in the hope that we can thereby engender a helpful and useful discussion which will assist us all in becoming better poets (have I got that right Moderators    ?).

I'll come straight out and say that I didn't much like the format of this piece I think it could be improved by breaking the lines more frequently.  At the moment it seems to read on in one continuous stream which despite the rhymes feels more like prose.

For some reason the very frequent mention of God got a little jarring after a while perhaps a few edits might be in order.

As to the message you are putting over .. I believe you are sincere, but from a personal point of view I just find poems addressing women like this slightly patronising somehow.  I stress that this is entirely a personal view and i'm sure the last thing on your mind was to be patronising, but did you ever think that maybe the woman might in fact not be the "queen" but the "king" and rather than "swaying" the decision might she in fact be MAKING it !!!!!!  

.... just my view of course ..... and once again thanks for posting here ..

Philip

PS I see Trevor got to your poem 5 minutes before me ..lol My firm revised advice is for you to take notice of him not me  



[This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 02-02-2000).]

jbouder
Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash
3 posted 2000-02-02 03:09 PM


Hello Shock:

Welcome to Passions.  I see you've already met Trevour so I won't reiterate the specifics of his comments.  He is right that typos tend to detract from a poem. The reader ends up focusing on the errors moreso than they focus on the poetry.

Normally I would have a problem with a sentence like "What's a woman for?" because of the grammatical problem of ending a sentence with a conjunction.  But in this poem I think the question seemed almost charming written the way it was written.  I, personally, wouldn't recommend correcting the grammar in that particular sentence.

You may want to reconsider your format.  Either shorten the lines of aline everything along the left margin of the page.  I found it somewhatt difficult to read in it's current form.

I enjoyed this.  Again, welcome to Passions.

 Jim

"If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther


Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
4 posted 2000-02-02 03:48 PM


Well, you've already met our new moderators and escaped rather well, so to speak. So I'll just add my welcome and it's good to meet you. I'll also echo the already stated advice to watch the typos.

Thanks for the read.

And Jim, I agree that ending a sentence with a conjunction is problematic but, FOR is a preposition. Which is another situation up with which we should not put.


 Pete

What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity --
sufficiently sublime in their simplicity --
for the mere enunciation of my theme?
Edgar Allan Poe



jenni
Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478
Washington D.C.
5 posted 2000-02-02 08:39 PM


shock gospel--

i agree with everyone's comments on the format here.  

and *sigh*... although this piece has several provocative and interesting moments, your answer to "what is a woman for" is a little disappointing.  woman are queens whose beauty sways the decisions of kings; we are creatures who love men (who, in turn, give us rings, but nonetheless, presumably, don't quite know what we are "for"); and we bear children.  believe me, i appreciate the sentiment that we are not to be treated like 'common whores' (though aren't they women too? why treat even a 'common whore' like a common whore?), and mercy, kindness and compassion are surely excellent qualities for which to be praised.  thank you, really.  but is that it?   this is what you stand in awe of?  we show mercy and compassion, have decision-swaying beauty, we love, and we bear children?  sorry, i don't mean to get on a rant here; perhaps i'm reading too much into it, an unstated implication that that is ALL women are good for.  i just think there was alot more you could have done with the piece, alot more you could have said.  

anyway, at least you're thinking about things, a step in the right direction, lol.  maybe you should try writing next "what's a man for?"  or is that a silly question?  

jenni

Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
6 posted 2000-02-03 01:34 AM


I agree with Jenni and want the sequel.
warmhrt
Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563

7 posted 2000-02-03 01:18 PM


Shock,
First, let welcome you to CA.

Technically, the others have given you sound advice. You have done some nice work in that area, but for the areas they pointed out.

Oh, I could say so very much about how you dealt with this subject, but I am only a woman, and will hold my tongue. You have the right to deal with any subject as you prefer.
I agree with Brad and Jenni about a sequel.

Shock, I mean to cause no animosity...I am only saying that I disagree with your view.
I hope you will have a long and enjoyable stay in CA. You will surely learn here.

Kristine

 "If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,...
I shall not live in vain" - Emily Dickinson

Trevor
Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700
Canada
8 posted 2000-02-03 02:43 PM


Hello everyone,

Just thought I'd add in my opinion on the theme of the poem, or my interpretation of the theme.....even though the author SHOULD stand up for his own work and RESPOND to comments made on his work and not let that responsibility fall onto someone else.
My interpretation of the poem was that the author was trying to convey the thoughts that he feels that women are mistreated and taken advantage of by men and not that this is actually all that women are good for. Perhaps he was trying to also say that men should be sacraficing all they have for women because it would be a small price to pay for their company (yes that's kind of patronizing and melo-dramatic but also kinda sweet and romantic at the same time). Also with all the references to God in the poem it came across to me that he was trying to say that the reasoning for the creation of women is such a splendid and beautiful one, that man doesn't know it nor appreciate it, and therefor he is in disgust that women are abused, beaten and treated poorly (as if their existence was based on keeping Mr. Johnson warm). I don't think this poem was intended to demean the equal role of women in society but to rather praise it and demean the idea that women aren't always treated equally (nor are men for that matter). I personally thought this more of an ode to women than a list of what women are good for. I don't think there is really a problem with the theme (that is if I'm correct on my assumptions), only the wording which doesn't always accurately reflect the thoughts behind them. Perhaps you all are reading into this a bit too much...but then again it could be I who isn't reading into it enough. Well that's my thoughts on the whole ring-a-lingo. Take care everyone,
Trevor

PS....I think it would be interesting to read a sequel as well.

[This message has been edited by Trevor (edited 02-03-2000).]

shock gospel
Junior Member
since 2000-02-02
Posts 33

9 posted 2000-02-03 02:57 PM


Sir Trevor, Thankyou for your understanding on "Whats a Woman For", ladies relax, no cut intended, God and I hold you in the highest esteem.
                         shock gospel

 

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
10 posted 2000-02-03 03:13 PM


Yes, I think maybe the soft spoken Trevor (I believe Jim called him) bailed you out this time  
< !signature-->

 Pete

     What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity --
     sufficiently sublime in their simplicity --
     for the mere enunciation of my theme?
          Edgar Allan Poe




[This message has been edited by Not A Poet (edited 02-03-2000).]

shock gospel
Junior Member
since 2000-02-02
Posts 33

11 posted 2000-02-04 01:06 AM


Yo, Not a poet, I don't need to be bailed out. When you understand that, biblical poetry, like the bible,is reviewed with either,the knowledge, or in some cases the lack of knowledge, of God. As well as an individuals relationship, or lack of , with the above mentioned, you'll be able to, not only read it with the eyes of understanding, but with the absense of pride, you might just learn something about yourself. But thanks for your concern, toward my assumed disposition.
                  shock gospel

Drucilla
Junior Member
since 2000-02-07
Posts 14

12 posted 2000-02-08 12:24 PM


This is an excellent poem!  You have restored my faith in men, or at least some of them.    I was under the impression that they were all insencitive jerks.  I think that it raises a lot of questions that deeply probe the soul of a man, and even a woman too.  Not only can the poem be applied the the men in this world, it also makes the reader evaluate the relationships that he/she is in.  Thank you for writing this poem.  I think that with Valentine's Day so quickly approaching, your poem should be mailed to the masses!

Drucilla  

Ted Reynolds
Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331

13 posted 2000-02-08 07:07 PM


As far as I've been able to figure out so far (parts of two centuries, like most of you) women are good for birthing babies and nursing them

AND for everything else that men are good for

EXCEPT impregnation.

Have I missed anything?

Trevor
Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700
Canada
14 posted 2000-02-09 04:32 PM


Zoweeee, this was incedible!!!!
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